Molvania Read online

  Across the blasted plain...’

  Outside the cities there is also much to recommend this area in the way of natural beauty, such as the magnificent wild lake lands of Mzaukera, where each year wild teal geese return from their 10,000km migratory voyage to nest and be shot at. Meanwhile, a little south are the beautiful Pucjicj Hills where keen hikers can walk for miles without seeing so much as a road or electricity pylon, provided of course they do it at night.

  Because of its isolation, the east of Molvania has developed a unique culture that is reflected in a variety of ways. Its folk music, for example, with its emphasis on volume over melody, is heard nowhere but here. The local cuisine is also distinctive, drawing heavily as it does on the silverbeet. Even the regional dialect remains exclusive to the east, with simple greetings such as ercj Djeum a vrozem-krum (literally, ‘may God inseminate your wife’). But, of course, it is these very differences that make a visit to the exotic east so worthwhile.

  Traveller’s Tip

  Whilst the younger generation are less concerned with traditions, in outlying areas of the east the people are noticeably conservative and care should be taken to avoid offence by wearing skimpy clothes, displaying open signs of affection or referring to the earth as being anything other than flat.

  Eastern Molvanian men play Rubrav a popular card game similar to ‘strip poker’ except that, instead of removing clothes, losing bidders must don table napkins.

  BARDJOV

  Bardjov (pronounced ‘Bardy-ce-jzoff’) is one of the largest and most vibrant cities in eastern Molvania. Apart from being a cultural and historical capital, 70% of the country’s cement is quarried here. Situated on the exposed plains of the Molvanian tundra, Bardjov suffers frequently from the strong Bora winds that sweep in from the east. Ever resourceful, the local government decided to capitalize on this year-round phenomena by setting up a wind farm on the city’s outskirts. However, regrettably, three of the four massive turbines actually blew over, preventing the ambitious project from ever realising its full potential. Due to these winds and poor farming practices the entire area is virtually devoid of vegetation, yet it is this very barrenness that lends a special charm to this provincial outpost.

  HISTORY

  Inhabited at various times by a mix of Slovak, Croatian and Hungarian tribes, it was Zjabdre I (1609–1665), the first Duke of Bardjov, who realized that the only way to bring peace to his kingdom would be by uniting the various warring factions through marriage. To this end, he arranged for his half-Prussian son Leostk to marry the grand-daughter of Slovakian Emperor Theuzdo and his Budapest-born wife Zzagma in the hope they would produce an heir to unite the region. Instead, Zzagma poisoned her husband at the wedding feast and stole the gifts before declaring war on the city. Internal conflicts continued to rage for decades before Bardjov fell under the control of the Zvetmir dynasty. Although at times cruel, this ruling family introduced stability to the region (as well as late-night shopping) and are still remembered with an annual holiday on which locals enjoy elaborate picnics, and municipal jails are thrown open.

  SHOPPING

  Bardjov, due to its position as a regional centre of contraband, is a wonderful town to engage in a bit of ‘retail therapy’ and, as you wander through its many shops and market stalls, you will regularly hear the familiar tap-tap-tap of chisels on brass. Often this is just a dentist plying his trade, but sometimes you will be lucky enough to come across a genuine artisan applying the finishing touches to an ashtray, name-plate or set of drinking goblets. Stylish clothes are the other big seller in Bardjov and the savvy shopper can easily come home with an entire wardrobe of last year’s fashions. Leather goods are also a great surprise – not only are they cheap, they’re made from vinyl.

  HOW TO GET THERE

  Although not technically a stop, the main Lutenblag–Bratislava train regularly breaks down in Bardjov, affording the intrepid traveller a marvellous opportunity to explore the city. You can also drive from Lutenblag on the Cvweta Highway, although be aware that this is a very rough road and because of its many narrow, exposed curves and steep sections it should only be attempted in a well-maintained vehicle driven by a safe, experienced driver. This pretty much rules out all Molvanian buses.

  HOW TO GET AROUND

  The public transport system in Bardjov can best be described as ‘challenging’ with buses and trains notoriously unreliable. Without doubt the best means of getting around is taxi. By law, cab drivers must use their meters. Unfortunately, no such obligation relates to them using their indicators or deodorant. On a reassuring note, all cabs operating in the Bardjov city region are fitted with security screens that completely surround the driver and make it virtually impossible for passengers to be attacked by him.

  Ooh-la-la! Bardjov fashion designers specialize in jackets made entirely out of recycled car seats.

  WHERE TO STAY

  The adoption of a standard accommodation star rating system has not been uniform across Molvania and here in Bardjov it can be particularly misleading. For example, a rating of ‘five’ could well indicate luxurious features combined with elegant surrounds, but is just as likely to be a reference to the number of working toilets in the hotel. The best advice is to inspect any establishment before booking a room. Outside the city your accommodation options are a little more limited, although there are quite a few new B&B’s (Bed and Brandy) establishments open for bookings.

  $$$ Accommodation Luxury

  At the top end you can’t go past Hotjl Palfvi on the north-west corner of Szerti Platka. It’s a 250-year-old Carmelite convent that has been tastefully restored with a real eye to period detail. For example, each room features a large wooden crucifix that opens to reveal a fully-stocked mini-bar. All the luxuries you’d expect from a five-star hotel are here, such as air-conditioning and cable TV, although caution should be exercised when using the electric spa-bath as much of the wiring is visibly faulty. In fact, a small sign above the pumping mechanism warns it must not be operated without a uniformed member of the local fire brigade in attendance.

  55 Sv Rojal

  74 3805

  74 3815

  [email protected]

  46

  DC, MC, V

  Another centrally-located hotel is the large Istvan Hozceski, opposite the Bardjov Museum. The foyer is clean and bright with freshly-cut flowers and plenty of light. Unfortunately, it’s all downhill from here as the rest of the place is decorated in dull shades of brown and green which, while not offering much in the way of visual beauty, at least match the colour of the water in the hotel’s swimming pool. Staff are attentive, although the service can be a little brusque. One traveller reported asking the concierge where he could find a non-smoking room, only to be informed ‘Austria’.

  78 Sv Rojal

  71 4021

  71 4022

  [email protected]

  56

  DC, MC, V

  Visitor’s Note Due to the extraordinary amount of building work and refurbishment currently being undertaken in and around Bardjov, municipal officials have taken the unprecedented step of declaring the entire city a construction site and visitors are required to wear a hard hat at all times.

  $$ Accommodation Mid-Range

  A good mid-priced option is the recently-opened Vja Zac. The rooms here are plain and simple, as are most of the staff, and there are good stand-by rates if you’re prepared to wait for a cancellation or sudden death. Being so close to the centre of town, traffic noise in some rooms can be rather intrusive when the windows are open, but fortunately this is not a major problem as very few of the windows actually open.

  12 Sv N.Kruscev

  78 9696

  78 9690

  [email protected]

  20

  DC, MC, V

  Opposite the bus station is one of Bardjov’s newest hotel complexes, the six-storey Holidaj Injn. Like the US chain, the emphasis here is on consistency, and management have made sure that all the
rooms feature thin walls, nonfunctioning toilets and a lingering smell of stale cigar smoke. The hotel also boasts a ‘Leisure Club’ (‘Klub Lezur’) but this would appear to be little more than a partially carpeted room with a half-sized billiard table and a deck of cards.

  123 Sv E.Van Halen

  74 2123

  74 2122

  [email protected]

  90

  DC, MC, V

  $ Accommodation Budget

  Bardjov offers a wide range of budget-style accommodation, perhaps the best of which is a small, private hostel at 10 Zzagma. There are no signs outside except a small one on the doorbell reading Bzekevak (‘Condemned’) and, like much of the accommodation in Bardjov, rooms can be rented here by either the day or the hour, depending on your risk profile.

  10 Sv Zzagma

  79 7050

  12

  MC, V

  The Bardjov Youth Hostel is popular with backpackers and students or those seeking to chat them up. The dormitories here are all single-sex (meaning you can only have sex once a day) and there is an aggressively enforced 10pm curfew.

  32 Sv Rojal

  76 6023

  [email protected]

  98

  DC, MC, V

  Camping is not recommended in Bardjov due to the difficulty of keeping a tent upright in high winds; however, small cabins can be rented in the Tzeodram Kravci, a tourist park some 3km north-west of town. The accommodation is pretty basic but it’s cheap – S120 per night ( 150 with a roof) – and the park provides good views out over the adjacent limestone quarry.

  264 Ul St Rzorci

  71 1236

  6

  WHERE TO EAT

  Don’t expect gastronomic delights in Bardjov as the choices, especially in outlying regions, are usually limited to roast pork with parsnip and dumplings. If this fare gets a little monotonous after a few weeks and you want a real change you might try asking for no dumplings – but do expect to pay extra. Another feature likely to inflate any restaurant bill is the high cost of quality imported wines, which are very expensive in Bardjov due to the fact that they are taxed as luxury items, along with tobacco and antibiotics.

  $$$ Dining Luxury

  For many years the most popular dining establishment in Bardjov has been Zoycvejs, a meat and seafood bistro opposite the city’s cathedral. The signature dish here used to be the flaming grill in which a variety of meats were cooked at the table on a portable gas stove. Sadly, it burnt down in 1999, but a replacement Zoycvejs II is now operating. (Open Tuesday–Sunday, closed Monday, Wednesday and days of total fire ban.)

  51 Sv Rojal

  79 2692

  MC, V

  Another centrally located eatery is Cafe Dragjec. Locals claim this is the best place to dine in Bardjov. Avoid it at all costs.

  89 Sv Rojal

  74 9898

  A short walk from the post office down Bzecvec Ulijca will take you to Bistroj Zjekl, a cosy, relaxed restaurant that specializes in game dishes. Try the rare roasted pork, stewed hare in cream sauce or the squirrel terrine.

  42 Sv Zzagma

  73 2834

  Mule testicles hang from a tree. Once dried, they will be either turned into a child’s toy or served as luncheon meat in one of Bardjov’s many restaurants.

  $$ Dining Mid-Range

  Try soaking in a bit of local colour at the popular and often crowded Wjikic bar and bistro just off Sv. Marji. The atmosphere here is casual, as is the staff’s approach to personal hygiene, but the meals are generally good. Described as ‘nouveau Molvanian’ the emphasis is not so much on freshness or flavour but quantity. Try their famous herring in mushroom sauce – one of the more unusual desserts you’re likely to encounter.

  We Were Wrong! Our last edition contained a reference to a popular local cafe that should have read ‘Bardjov diners are always welcome in Maria’s Brasserie’. They are not, to the best of our knowledge, welcome in her ‘Brassiere’. We apologise to Maria for any offence, hurt or overcrowding this error may have caused.

  64 Sv Busjbusj

  71 3211

  $ Dining Budget

  ‘Pitsa Parlours’ are becoming increasingly popular in downtown Bardjov and one of the newest is Zjippy’s, a relaxed eatery popular with students and homeless men. Although a limited delivery service is available to surrounding hotels, due to unreliable transport vehicles your order may often arrive the following day. But don’t despair – even cold, the pizzas here are delicious!

  4 Sv Busjbusj

  77 0938

  Just off Bardjov’s main square you will find the surprisingly affordable Vjed Jbec bistro. There is an extensive menu and you can’t go wrong with the food here, unless you try eating it. Some of the meals can be a little on the heavy side but, one way or another, they’re not likely to be in your stomach for long.

  21 Sv Busjbusj

  78 5246

  Not for the Faint-Hearted!

  Visitors to Bardjov will at one point or other be offered a piece of muczecl, a traditional shepherd’s cheese produced from goat’s milk. What makes this delicacy somewhat unique, apart from its pungent aroma and repugnant flavour, is that the cheese itself is infested with live maggots. Many travellers find this feature somewhat off-putting, if not downright shocking, but after a few weeks of dining in Molvania, it’s a phenomenon you’re likely to become well and truly acquainted with. One word of caution: muczecl is not recommended for anyone with diabetes or a heart condition. It’s also been known to induce women to go into labour – even those who weren’t pregnant.

  HIGHLIGHTS

  A popular pastime for visitors to Bardjov is taking a zwak (Molvanian gondola) along the Styzmer Kanal, Eastern Europe’s largest inland sewerage channel. A leisurely trip from the city centre through to the holding ponds takes about three hours, depending on flows at the water treatment pumping station.

  The Bardjov Museum is a large building near the centre of town featuring a significant collection of Molvanian treasures and relics. You could easily spend a day here: one or two hours touring the exhibits and the rest of your time queuing for the museum’s one and only toilet. Don’t be discouraged though – this museum is well worth your effort and inconvenience.

  Roll Up! Roll Up!

  The Royal Molvanian Circus features jugglers, trapeze artists, goat-tamers, performing rats, strippers (evening sessions only) and the spectacular barefoot horse riders of Lublova. All this, capped off by the drunken antics of Molestov the Klown, makes it one of the most memorable experiences you’ll ever have under canvas.

  Despite being a little out of town, the Crkja St Rzorci (Church of St Rzorci) is a must-see for any visitor to Bardjov. The church itself is an interesting mix of Gothic, Baroque and fibro-cement building styles and houses numerous works of major artistic merit. The ceiling of the church features barrel vaulting and is covered in panels depicting various biblical events. Sadly, the city-founders ran short of money and these panels were never completely finished; however, visitors can still marvel at the intricate brushwork contained in such significant scenes as The Two Wise Men and Christ Praying with his Nine Apostles.

  Party Time! A local Barjovian celebrates National Fertility Day, marking the date Viagra was introduced into Molvania as an over-the-counter drug.

  The massive bronze Freedom Gates (Libertjolkas) at the entrance to Bardjov’s main square bear the inscription ‘Peace, Harmony and Love’ and were presented as a gift to the city by occupying Nazi forces in 1942.

  Star Struck!

  A few kilometres to the north of the city you’ll find the Bardjov Observatory (Observaltrisko), a 140m radio telescope facility capable of detecting faint signals from deep space. Up until the 1980s this observatory was part of NASA’s SETI program. Sadly, these days, due to funding cut-backs, it is used mainly to pick up and re-transmit the EuroPorn cable TV network across eastern Molvania.

  A real attraction for visitors to Bardjov is the Old Palace, which can be found just no
rth of the Styzmer Kanal. First built in 1431, then expanded over the next 400 years, the Palace was badly damaged by fire in 1864 and then re-built, only to suffer a direct hit from German artillery during World War II. Fortunately, the Palace’s carvings, chandeliers, antiques and artwork had all been removed for safe-keeping. Unfortunately, they’d been removed to Russia and have not been seen since.

  Automotive Excellence

  Visitors to Bardjov will no doubt wish to visit the extensive automotive factory to the north of town where Molvania’s national car, the Skumpta, is manufactured. This functional vehicle may appear unorthodox to western eyes, with its single headlamp, three cylinders and candlelit interior, but the proof is in the pudding and it has proved remarkably durable, so much so that owners are required by law to install odometers that record up to 10,000,000 kilometres. The Skumpta has scored well in recent safety tests that involved four leading European car models being driven into a wall at 60kmh. The other three suffered extensive front-end damage whereas the Skumpta emerged unscathed, having broken down every time during the run up.

  A Survivor’s Tale...

  For many people Bardjov will forever be associated with the remarkable story of Lt Vladko, a Molvanian soldier who, in 1945, was found by Russian soldiers in the forest south of this remote village. Thinking World War II was still going, Vladko gave himself up to his captors. It was still going and he was shot for collaborating with the enemy.

  LUBLOVA

  Lacking the stark natural beauty of villages to the west, Lublova still has much to offer the intrepid traveller prepared to negotiate the difficult journey across the barren plateau to this fascinating frontier town. Here you’ll find yourself back in the Middle Ages, certainly in terms of transport and accommodation, surrounded by olde worlde charm at every turn. Yes, parts of the modern city are less than attractive, with their jumble of factories and high-rise apartment blocks, but the funny thing about Lublova is that just when you’re about to despair you’ll come around a corner and see a church or hidden town square that will take your breath away. Speaking of pollution, the city authorities have gone to considerable lengths in their battle to improve Lublova’s general air quality. To this end, diesel generators and coal stoves may now only be operated between the hours of 6am and midnight. Despite these drastic measures the Old Town’s face has been irreparably stained by emissions from the nearby steelworks in the outlying suburb of Drabb.