Molvania Read online

  These days Lublova is perhaps best known as the location of Molvania’s largest university (Unjverstad Nazjonal). Students and researchers come from all over Europe to study at its prestigious medical school, drawn by its reputation for academic excellence, coupled with liberal attitudes towards embryonic stem cell research.

  Research facilities at Lublova’s medical school are amongst some of the finest in Eastern Europe.

  Star Pupil!

  Lublova University’s most famous son, Antonin Vlatvja, studied here from 1491 to 1495. A keen astronomer, he would gaze at the heavens through a long tubular device he called a tojlet rol. Vlatvja has been widely acknowledged as the first scientist to hypothesise that, rather than the sun revolving round the earth, the earth in fact revolves around Neptune. Of course, such outrageous claims did not exactly go unnoticed and in 1496 Vlatvja was called before a Papal inquiry in Rome where charges of heresy were dropped. He was, however, condemned to death as an idiot.

  HISTORY

  Lublova enjoys a long history as an important frontier town and the cultural centre of eastern Molvania. Originally inhabited by Illyrian and Celtic tribes, it later came to serve as an important commercial centre, a role maintained today with over 80% of Molvania’s illegal arms trade being conducted within the city. In 1396 Lublova was conquered by King Svardo III (‘The Dwarf King’) of Croatia, who later gave the town to his son and daughter-in-law as a wedding present. They decided to exchange it for a fortified village further north and Lublova remained without a clear ruler for several hundred years. Between 1603 and 1622, in response to a threat of invasion by the Tatars, the whole city was enclosed within a 2.4km-long wall. Unfortunately, the builders left a 1.8km-wide gap at the back and the entire town was razed by foreign invaders, before being extensively rebuilt during the 18th century.

  With its story-book streets, Renaissance arcades and enchanting architecture, Lublova is one of the few Molvanian cities to escape devastation by Hitler’s armies during World War II. Tragically though, much of the city was subsequently destroyed by fire in 1945 when an Armistice Day celebratory bonfire got out of hand. However, many landmarks remain unscathed and Lublovans hold great pride in their historic past. Nowhere is this more evident than on the beautifully preserved Svej Rojal or ‘Royal Way’, a magnificent promenade that is walked each year by the Prince of Lublova on the anniversary of his coronation. These days the incumbent Prince is forced to make the trip in a fork-lift due to chronic gout, but the locals’ love of pomp and pageantry remains as strong as ever.

  Philippe writes...

  “The fact is, you see nothing from a motorway, and I’m always bemused by tourists who think they’re experiencing a country when all they’re doing is heading down a highway in some luxury coach. I once travelled from Lublova to Dzrebo along a disused goat track that wound its way right over the Jikbenmar Mountains. The journey took us through some of the most spectacular and beautiful landscapes in the world and, had the heavy blanket of fog ever lifted, I would have had some pretty special memories.”

  P.M.

  SHOPPING

  Lublova’s oldest department store Uzkro has a monumental staircase, Art Nouveau stained-glass windows and elaborately decorated counters. Sadly, it is virtually devoid of merchandise, unless you’re after socks or storage jars. Uzkro is, however, one of the few places in Molvania to still sell the locally manufactured Vzoykcle computer systems. Designed and built right here in Lublova at the height of the 1980s IT boom, the Vzoykcle struggled to capture a large share of the home computer market due, in part, to its excessively noisy internal fan that, at levels of 120db, meant the unit could only be safely operated by those wearing hearing protection. To further complicate matters, the hard-drive also had a clutch. But complete systems (computer, software, ear-muffs) are still available at quite reasonable prices.

  The other bargain to be found in Lublova is dental work, provided at cut-price rates by students from the local university. This service is very popular with Romanian tourists who come across on specially organized ‘bridge and crown tours’, so it’s worth booking ahead.

  HOW TO GET THERE

  Bus The trip by bus from Lutenblag to Lublova can be a bone-jarring experience, thanks not only to the poor quality of the roads, but also the somewhat curious tendency of local transport operators to save money by cutting back on the amount of air used in their tyres.

  Train There is a ‘scenic’ train from Bardjov to Lublova that passes through the panoramic Jzerckev National Park; however, visitors keen to enjoy the views should be warned that for much of this section of the journey the train travels through an underground tunnel.

  Air Whilst there is an airport in Lublova it is classified by civil aviation authorities as ‘Category D’, making it suitable for emergency landings only. Built on less than a hectare of land it actually features one of the only curved runways in the world.

  HOW TO GET AROUND

  Taxis used to be a nightmare throughout the Eastern Steppes region but are now properly regulated. In Lublova all cabs must be licensed and fumigated at least once a month. Drivers are also obliged to have their photo ID on constant display, showing name, licence number and proof they’ve recently attended an anger management class.

  Trollejbuses (trolley buses) run frequently and are the fastest means of public transport, since they are not affected by traffic hold-ups. They are, however, affected by armed hold-ups on a depressingly regular basis and commuters should be wary about carrying large sums of money or young children.

  WHERE TO STAY

  Choices of accommodation in Lublova have been a little more limited since the opulent Tvorz Grand Hotjl burnt down in 1998 after a trouser press caught fire. However, there are several good options still available in a variety of price categories.

  $$$ Accommodation Luxury

  Just off the main square in the Old Town you will find the impressive Hotjl Fzor Ztejl, a grand establishment of some six storeys. The ‘Ztej’, as it is affectionately known, has everything you’d expect from a luxury hotel with the possible exception of reliable plumbing and a lift. Most of the rooms feature sweeping views of the apartment block next door.

  Note: There is also a roof-top garden where guests can relax next to a large display of Molvanian thistles.

  12 Av Busjbusj

  62 3524

  62 3525

  [email protected]

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  Just on the northern outskirts of the Old Town you’ll find Djabgor Lodge, a large hotel popular with business travellers and tourists alike. Despite its somewhat ‘olde worlde’ appearance the building is not all that old and was only turned into a hotel in 1997. Prior to that it was used as a refugee detention centre and a lot of the security staff from those days seem to have stayed on (don’t even think about stealing a bathrobe).

  Note: The Lodge has its own Italian-style restaurant called ‘Bella Vista’, an interesting name given it is located in a basement.

  104 Sv Vladko

  62 5830

  62 5830

  [email protected]

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  Hotjl Pensjon Echzo on Sv. Strezmo promotes itself as a ‘family’ hotel, which is somewhat at odds with its round-the-clock gambling hall, topless bar and complete absence of non-smoking rooms. Echzo is, however, one of the few hotels in Lublova to offer a babysitting service, with children taken care of by the hour, evening or entire year, depending on your needs.

  132 Sv Strezmo

  61 7905

  62 5830

  [email protected]

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  Creepy-Crawly Alert!

  Visitors to the far east of Molvania should keep an eye out for the horn-tailed spider, an eight-legged pest unique to this part of the world. These highly venomous creatures are attracted to cold, damp conditions where they can hide beneath rotting wood, which means you’ll often find them in Lublova hotel room
s.

  $$ Accommodation Mid-Range

  A short walk from Lublova’s main railway station will take you to the modestly-priced Cborej Bcej hotel. There’s nothing wrong with this large, modern 80-bedroom complex except for the fact it only has 14 beds. It also boasts a ‘Conference Centre’, although one business traveller reported this amounted to little more than a trestle table, five chairs and a broken overhead projector.

  98 Sv Frortunju

  61 1196

  61 1197

  [email protected]

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  Despite being a little out of town, Hotjl Kjonopist offers good basic accommodation in a relaxed atmosphere. As a bonus the owner even speaks a few words of English (he grew up in Glasgow) and the rooms are large enough to contain a bed, armchair and desk, provided they’re stacked on top of each other.

  141 Sv Vladko

  69 6776

  69 6777

  [email protected]

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  $ Accommodation Budget

  Opened in 1995 and just under a kilometre to Lublova’s city centre, the Trizcejem Dormitorj is actually run by a peasants’ cooperative, and from the look of the rooms it has been decorated by one too. The carpets and walls are a uniformly drab brown with the only splashes of colour coming from the odd blood stain on the ceilings.

  Note: Although the hotel claims to offer ‘disabled access’, one visitor reported that the wheelchair ramps on offer were so steep that anyone attempting to use them, if not completely disabled, would soon be rendered so.

  87 Ul St Gzemgrjo

  67 4038

  [email protected]

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  The medium-sized Pensjon Slobzan is conveniently located near the museum and is popular with travellers who have limited budgets or expectations. This hotel has a family feel – it’s crowded, noisy and there are frequent arguments about whose turn it is to put the rubbish out – but its central location means it is often booked out. The rooms are snug and clean, with wooden floors and pillows.

  64 Sv Rojal

  65 3937

  [email protected]

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  Private chatas (cabins) may be rented in any of Lublova’s many camping grounds; however, guests are advised to make sure that all rooms have been thoroughly sprayed for scorpions before moving in.

  WHERE TO EAT

  On 1 January 2002 the Lublova City Council introduced a non-smoking policy in all city restaurants. This was repealed at 7.30pm the following day in the wake of widespread civil unrest and has been replaced with a more relaxed and popular set of guidelines that basically permits diners to smoke provided that their chef is also doing so.

  $$$ Dining Luxury

  At the culinary top end of town you can’t go past Zjez Zjez, one of Lublova’s oldest and most prestigious dining establishments. The owners of this famous restaurant proudly boast that it was once visited by British Prime Minister Tony Blair. While this is technically true, they fail to mention he was visiting as part of an EU Parliamentary Delegation looking into the likely sources of the 2001 foot and mouth disease outbreak.

  42 Av Nazjonal

  63 6937

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  Bistroj Dezjamic is an older-style establishment on the main street. It was purchased in 2002 by a French restaurateur and food-lover whose first move was to close it down. (It is expected to re-open within 12 months.)

  76 Av Busjbusj currently closed

  Backing onto the busy town square you’ll find Vadjroza, a popular bistro that offers good food in what they describe as ‘a relaxed, unhurried atmosphere’ – meaning that there’s only ever three waiters serving up to 100 diners. Dancing is popular here on weekends with exuberant male patrons showing off their prowess by making athletic leaps, slapping their heels in midair and rupturing ligaments in a frenzied display of misguided machismo.

  6 Platka dj Busjbusj

  69 3757

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  Top Tip!

  Many visitors to Lublova are keen to eat at its famous Revolving Restaurant but are unable to do so due to the high cost of this luxurious establishment. A good alternative is Cafe Bgokcez, where, after a few glasses of their house wine, you’ll at least feel like you’re in a revolving restaurant.

  $$ Dining Mid-Range

  Two blocks back from the museum on Sv. Strezmo you’ll find the Kaujcec Kjem, a moderately-priced ground floor restaurant serving traditional and modern dishes. Very few of the underpaid and overworked staff here speak English, which is just as well, as much of their cursing is best left untranslated.

  88 Sv Strezmo

  67 7437

  Walk into Kafe Udzrum diagonally opposite the Post Office and you’ll be immediately struck by the ornate light fixtures, so duck your head. Garishly bright tablecloths add to the complete mish-mash of interior decorating styles. But if the decor seems over-the-top, wait for the food. Large serves of heavily-salted meat floating in fat make this dining establishment a weight-watcher’s nightmare. Described as ‘hearty and heavy’, the ‘Udz’ is one of the few places in Europe where it’s possible to order a deep-fried salad.

  67 Sv Vladko

  61 9077

  For those after authentic Lublovan fare, try the Tzabian Jceje. At this rustic-style establishment cooks from around the country prepare an amazing assortment of delicious vegetarian dishes, and then add pork to them.

  45 Sv Rojal

  69 6637

  $ Dining Budget

  Those looking for a quick drink in a stylish setting could do worse than pop into Tzabani’s near the northern gates to the Old Town. Here you are guaranteed to get a cool drink, even if you order coffee. A violin–piano duo sets a romantic mood, although several female diners have reported that the fiddle player can get a little ‘liberal’ with his hands.

  55 Sv Vladko

  66 3237

  If you fancy a bit of ‘club action’, why not visit Lublova’s hippest adult nightspot, Ur Verbkriej (‘The Firetrap’)? Here you can dance to the latest Euro beats thumping out from the club’s 100-watt cassette deck while sipping expensive beers in a sophisticated, smoke-filled atmosphere.

  Note: Monday is their ‘Over 40s’ night, referring not to age but the number of weeks since any of the club’s patrons have had sex.

  56 Av Nazjonal

  63 5437

  HIGHLIGHTS

  While the outlying suburbs of Lublova have little to offer in the way of beauty, the Old Town remains relatively unscathed by modernisation. This area is closed to all traffic except buses, taxis, motorcycles, cars, bikes and army tanks on military manoeuvres, and a walk round its cobblestone streets is well worth the effort.

  Start at the tumbledown main square (right), now usually filled with peddlers selling everything from cheap sunglasses to Ukrainian brides. A small lane leading off the main square takes you to the 120m Romanesque tower of the Gzemgrjo Church. This would be the oldest standing structure in Lublova, if it were still standing, but unfortunately the upper spire toppled over a few years back when a satellite TV dish was ill-advisedly attached. The church itself is often closed, but keys may be obtained from the parish priest, Fr Gromzjot, who can usually be found opposite at the Lublova Toplesh Tavernja.

  No visit to this part of Molvania would be complete without popping into the Old Lublova Gaol (Torturak) on the western outskirts of town. Here you can take a guided tour through one of Medieval Europe’s most gruesome places of punishment, where you can see stocks and torture chambers, execution yards and holding cells. The displays are all very realistic due, no doubt, to the fact that the gaol still operates as a penal facility. Because of this, visitors should be prepared for a quite thorough strip-search on the way in.

  On the outskirts of town is the famous sandstone bluff Zjkelcziz where, in 1965, a giant image of former Prime Minister ‘Bu-Bu’ was carved into the rock. It remains a striking feature, despite the fac
t that in 1974 portions of the moustache fell off, crushing the visitor’s centre below.

  Molvanian Moonshine!

  The local drink in these parts is jzornflek, a fierce liquor usually made from juniper berries and brake fluid. It is traditionally served before funerals (about two weeks before as a general rule, depending on the skill of the intensive care doctor) and it is considered quite an honour to be offered a glass. Rather than cause offence, the polite thing to do is accept a small amount and pretend to drink. If any of the liquor is accidentally swallowed there is no need to induce vomiting. This will happen quite naturally.

  For years young lovers visiting Lublova would pay a visit to the ornate Aquatz Jcejlezic [right] off Sv. Frortunju where they would make a wish before tossing in a coin. Whilst this magnificent fountain, built in 1465, still exists, the practice of throwing money has sadly been banned after well organised gangs of gypsies, many equipped with scuba equipment, began raiding the facility.

  Bird on the Wing...

  Ornithologists come from all over the world to catch a glimpse of the Molvanian thrush, a small, dun-coloured bird unique to this region. Whilst nothing special to look at, the Molvanian thrush is famous in bird-watching circles for making the shortest migratory journey ever recorded. Each October these birds take off from their nesting grounds 50km south of Lublova and travel 2.5km east. Remarkably, this epic voyage can take some of them anything up to a year to complete and many thousands fly off course or collapse exhausted, far short of their destination.

  Opposite the town hall is an interesting art gallery, the Studja, specializing in both classic and modern works. A permanent exhibit of paintings by local pseudo-realist Bvorj Gcecvej is permanently closed.

  Paws for Thought!

  Apart from being a bustling modern metropolis Lublova also happens to be the birthplace of the country’s national dog, the Molvanian mastiff. According to the official breed standard: