Molvania Read online

  Note: The friendly staff all speak a range of languages and it’s worth asking for a room with a balcony; you won’t get one but it will give them a chance to practise their English.

  6 Platka dj Busjbusj

  90 1196

  90 1197

  [email protected]

  50

  DC, MC, V

  Watch out!

  Due to erratic water pressure, guests in Vajana’s top hotels are advised against using the bidets (frekljsqirtz). As one recent visitor pointed out, ‘There’s a fine line between personal hygiene and colonic irrigation.’

  The Vajana Ritzzz Hotjl – what it lacks in old world charm it more than makes up for in concrete.

  $$ Accommodation Mid-Range

  The Hotjl Ozjecmet is nothing special to look at but you’ll find good, comfortable rooms here for quite reasonable prices. The service is efficient if slightly on the ‘forceful’ side. One guest recently reported telling a housemaid they didn’t want their bed turned down, only to have her return with several colleagues and forcibly remove the duvet. They then refused to leave until the complimentary chocolate was eaten.

  78 Av Busjbusj

  91 1961

  91 1962

  [email protected]

  34

  MC, V

  For the stressed-out traveller, consider booking a room at Club Spza, a funky new boutique hotel with an emphasis on relaxation. In addition to hot tubs and sauna rooms, a full range of massage services are offered, including remedial (non-sexual), deep tissue (non-sexual), sports injury (non-sexual) and erotic double lesbian topless (non-sexual).

  54 Av Molvanja

  94 8686

  94 8687

  [email protected]

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  DC, MC, V

  $ Accommodation Budget

  In summer the Vajana University’s dormitories are fumigated and opened up to visitors, providing a cheap alternative to hotels. Good value and hearty meals are also served in a temporary cafeteria set up at the rear of the university’s veterinary school.

  212 Sv St Fyodor

  92 9575

  92 9555

  [email protected]

  302DC

  Another good budget option is Olga’s, a small private hostel run by the feisty Olga Kramcesvki, a Polish immigrant turned hotelier. Rooms here are small and facilities pretty basic but the prices are low and there’s space to chill out in a shady terrace garden that, like the owner’s armpits, is delightfully overgrown.

  45 Av Molvanja

  99 0343

  [email protected]

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  Traveller’s Tip

  In many of Vajana’s less expensive hotels the breakfast facilities are self-serve. If planning to use the toaster, guests are advised to make sure they are wearing well-insulated footwear.

  WHERE TO EAT

  If you’re after truly traditional Molvanian cooking then Vajana is the perfect place to enjoy a meal out. Here you’ll find local specialities such as the popular liver and giblet combination hercmec (often served as dessert in a waffle cone), as well as kvorvecz, a thick, rich soup named after a former Vajana mayor who shared similar qualities. It’s worth remembering that, whilst most restaurants in Vajana are licensed, several ‘BYOs’ are starting to spring up. At these establishments diners may bring their own wine but should expect to either pay a 20% corkage fee or, alternatively, allow the waiter to drink 20% of the bottle.

  $$$ Dining Luxury

  Close to the Town Hall you’ll find Tozi Rzal, an old brick building with vaulted ceilings and terracotta floors. It is said that Prime Minister Busjbusj once threw up here. The emphasis is on elegance and the set menu includes a choice of several sumptuous main courses followed by a fruit sorbet, designed to help cleanse the palate in preparation for dessert which, unfortunately, also happens to be fruit sorbet.

  10 Platka dj Busjbusj

  94 6866

  DC, MC, V

  The Vebrizic Bistroj is one of Vajana’s most famous eateries and for years diners have packed this busy first-floor restaurant to enjoy the spectacle of watching chefs prepare the local favourite, venison cooked in a flaming cognac sauce, served flamboyantly at the table on a sizzling plate. Sadly, the building burnt to the ground last year, but there are plans to re-build.

  63 Av Busjbusj closed due to fire

  $$ Dining Mid-Range

  A slightly more casual eating institution is Valgzos, a tavernja-style bistro specializing in local dishes. Typical meals contain onion, garlic, chilli, paprika, cabbage and red lentils. Bookings are essential, as is a window seat.

  32 Sv Puffnstuff

  93 6934

  $ Dining Budget

  Visitors on the go might wish to grab a bite at one of Vajana’s popular Subwayz outlets. Based heavily on the similar-sounding US chain (in fact, proceedings are still before the courts), these sandwich bars offer a wide range of filled rolls including a ‘weight-watchers special’ advertised as containing less than 600g of fat.

  34 Sv Puffnstuff

  23 Av Busjbusj

  75 Sv Pinochet

  HIGHLIGHTS

  Many visitors come all the way to Vajana simply to visit its famous outdoor zoo, and a quick stroll around this impressive facility will soon show you why. Set amid four hectares of lush gardens and ringed by electric fencing, the Vajana Zoo contains one of the largest collections of animals and birds in Eastern Europe. In fact, there are 2500 animals and 400 species in just over 65 cages, officially recognized as one of the highest densities of animal incarceration in the world. The zoo is open daily 9am–4.30pm weekdays and on Fridays you can hear a talk from the resident veterinary pathologist explaining how each animal died that week.

  One of the many exhibits at the Vajana Zoo is the Molvanian Spotted Tern, the only water bird in the world capable of breathing through its own anus.

  Directly opposite the Town Hall is Vajana’s Museum of Medieval Dentistry (Muszm Dentjk Medjvl). Tours of this fascinating, if somewhat macabre, facility are available weekdays and there is also a sound and video presentation that takes you through the history of early advances in oral hygiene. One visitor reported it was very informative but, at just over 150 minutes, perhaps a little too detailed, especially in the area of inflammatory gum disease.

  To the north of the city you’ll find the tranquil waters of Lake Debrizca, an impressive 134 hectare impoundment popular with local boat owners and families enjoying picnics. Tour buses also frequently stop here to pump out their onboard toilet facilities but, while you have to be careful, little can take away from this truly splendid setting. Various watersports are offered at the lake, including water-skiing, windsurfing and parascending, which has been described as a cross between hang-gliding and suicide.

  Lake Debrizca was originally formed by glacial activity during the Ice Age (65 million years ago) and was then further enlarged during the Hydro-Electric Age (the 1950s).

  Many people come to Vajana keen to purchase products made from Molvanian cedar, a highly sought-after wood, widely used by local craftsmen in furniture. Buyers should be advised, however, that whilst strong when first cut, Molvanian cedar easily splinters and cracks without warning. It is also the only timber in the world that rusts.

  Vajana is an historic wine-growing region and produces the world’s only red Riesling. The most popular wine is a type of claret made out of a grape variety unique to this area called Soursavignon. Many wine writers struggle to describe the taste of this grape but most liken it to fermented lemon rind. The grape has an extremely tough skin and for many years could only be crushed by rifle butts. The grape juice from this crush is extremely astringent and must undergo a filter press. The first run-off is used in premium cuvees and the second juice is used to tan saddles.

  Vajana’s famous Chateau Stencchberp.

  Back to School...

  When most people think of alternative teaching methods they think of Montessori or Steiner; however, Molva
nia has also pioneered its own system of early-learning, based around the writings of Vajana-born visionary V.Z. Vzeclep (1823–1878). Vzeclep Instjtuts, as they are known, can be found throughout the country and are built around an educational philosophy known as Ne Drabjovit Vard Szlabo (literally, ‘don’t beat the donkey too hard’). This system of teaching places a great emphasis on both posture and breathing, and children at Vzeclep Schools spend the first six years of their student life strapped in specially-designed harnesses.

  The class of ’52. Happy pupils of the first Vzeclep School enjoy their weekly recess break.

  THE POSTENWALJ RANGES

  One of the most famous tourist attractions in southern Molvania can be found just a few hundred kilometres east of Svetranj, the beautiful Postenwalj Ranges. This heavily-wooded mountain region, popular with hikers, skiers and those searching for unmarked graves, was declared a national park in 1965. A few years later it was declared a disaster zone after an agricultural fertilizer spill upstream on the River Vzintga threatened to wipe out all wildlife – but since that time extensive efforts have gone into restoring the area to its original beauty. Being so popular, the park naturally gets a little crowded, especially on weekends when members of the Svetranj Gun Club take to the hills for target practice. During these times visitors are advised to wear bright clothes and avoid looking like a moose or gypsy labourer.

  Since the installation of extensive snow making facilities, the Postenwalj Ranges have become a ski lover’s paradise, offering extensive, well-groomed runs on a firm base of basalt.

  Lights, Action, Camera!

  As any local will tell you, the Postenwalj Ranges almost reached world prominence a few years back when producers of the American reality TV program ‘Survivor’ decided to film a series here. What was hoped to be a major boost for tourism turned sour, however, when taping was cancelled after several members of one tribe accidentally stood on an unexploded land-mine during the first immunity challenge.

  GETTING THERE

  The Ranges are linked to Svetranj and Vajana by local buses; however, their frequency depends on the season and mood of the drivers. There is also a tunnel through the mountains to Hungary, although it’s often closed for repairs or rescue efforts.

  Important road signs in the Postenwalj Ranges

  WHERE TO STAY

  Just past the main entrance to the Postenwalj National Park is a magnificent 17th century chateau that once belonged to the Duke of Svetranj (who went on to become King Prablik the Quarrelsome). It’s now open to the public as a hotel and also contains a small cafe where light meals are served. In addition there is a ‘museum’, although one reader advised us this establishment was little more than an over-priced gift shop whose only antiquities appeared to be its selection of pastries as well as a few old fridge magnets. You enter the chateau across a bridge which spans a pit holding several bears. A sign warns visitors of the danger of getting too close to these bears – they have no teeth or claws but do carry a highly transmittable form of mange.

  11 Sv Busjbusj

  99 9996

  99 9997

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  On an even more opulent scale is the magnificent Vilja Posten where former Prime Minister Busjbusj once hosted numerous members of European royalty. This historic residence, set on six hectares of gardens at the foot of the Ranges, was converted into a boutique hotel in 1983 and became part of the World Luxury Hotels Association in 1985. It remained so until 1992 when it was discovered no such organization existed.

  Note: Rooms are large and have a good range of facilities, including hair-dryers and large safes that could, at a pinch, double as a child’s room.

  63 Sv Busjbusj

  99 6427

  99 6428

  [email protected]

  50

  DC

  On a slightly less opulent note, visitors planning to base themselves in the Postenwalj region might consider a night or two at the Jzuckblec Manor. This cosy B&B was originally a farmhouse, which could well explain the smell of animal dung permeating the rooms – but it remains a delightful alternative to the more upmarket accommodation on offer.

  59 Sv Busjbusj

  99 6623

  [email protected]

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  DC

  WHERE TO EAT

  Not far from the entrance to the Postenwalj National Park in the delightful hamlet of Arjenspak you’ll find Gostinka Lec, a traditional trattoria-style restaurant where everything served is grown in the proprietor’s very own vegetable garden. Start off with a bowl of hearty zucchini soup followed by zucchini roulade served on a bed of zucchini fritters and washed down with a glass of sparkling zucchini beer. Or, for a change, try the ‘pork surprise’ (it’s made out of zucchini).

  11 Sv Liski

  99 0996

  Meanwhile, in the neighbouring village of Tzujek you’ll find Mzino, a friendly bistro popular with travellers en route to the mountains. The house speciality here is black pudding and turnips, while many enjoy the Mzino plate, a mixed platter of barbecued meats served on rice. There is also a children’s menu, consisting of pretty much the same fare to which brightly coloured food dyes are added.

  51 Sv Liski

  99 8535

  Philippe writes...

  “ Why pay for a bland, westernized meal in an overpriced tourist cafe when, for half the cost, a street vendor will sell you a piece of salted cod and a bag of lemon rind?”

  P.M.

  When dining in certain parts of southern Molvania it is considered rude to ask for cutlery.

  HIGHLIGHTS

  Hiking is enormously popular in the Postenwalj Ranges and there are numerous places of interest for the intrepid traveller to explore.

  The Vzintga Gorge was cut between precipitous cliffs by the powerful River Vzintga, which flows down numerous pools and waterfalls. There is a marked trail to the top of the gorge where the views are quite outstanding. Sadly, the spectacular cable-car that once carried visitors across the gorge no longer operates, but you can still see the old pylons and engine-house as well as view a memorial plaque dedicated to the service’s last 23 passengers.

  Bzejenko Lec (Lake Bzejenko) is nestled within a rim of mountains and surrounded by spruce forests, with a castle on one side and a promenade beneath stately chestnut trees on the other. Standing by the water’s edge it would be easy to imagine you were back in the 17th century, were it not for the regular presence of the Postenwalj Jet Ski Club who hold numerous events on this inland waterway.

  We Were Wrong! In a previous edition the forests to the north of Lake Bzejenko were described as being one of the ‘least explored’ regions in southern Molvania. This was a typographical error; they are, in fact, one of the ‘least-exploded’ regions.

  Soaking it in...

  If all this hiking, skiing and riding sounds a little energetic, don’t forget that the ranges are also home to one of the most magnificently situated spa resorts in Europe. The healing powers of the thermal springs at Drypp have been known since the Middle Ages and even today visitors come to enjoy the benefit of these miraculous waters. These unusually acidic springs are particularly renowned for their dermatological effect, curing ailments of the skin by stripping much of it from the body. Many of the thermal pools in this region are privately owned and the best way to enjoy them is by booking into a spa complex such as the Jredvej Thermjka, where you can soak in a therapeutic pool for hours. One fee covers your admission, towel, locker and complimentary fungal foot powder.

  During the winter months the Postenwalj Ranges attract skiers from all over Europe. The most popular resort is located on Mount Zacwcej, which offers a good range of slopes to suit beginners and veterans alike. A special feature of Mount Zacwcej is the fact it offers night skiing, courtesy of large floodlights originally installed to prevent disgruntled Slovakian resort staff from escaping back to their families.

  Many well-established cycling paths pass through the lower ranges, h
owever, finding a place to hire a bike can be difficult. The Ztumcej Tavernja in nearby Tzujek will rent you one but the owner insists on accompanying all riders and he’s quite heavy.

  Holy Water!

  Visitors to the Postenwalj Ranges will at some time or other be offered a glass of Karolcyi, a sweet liqueur produced by local Brigidine Monks and manufactured to a secret recipe purportedly dating back to the Middle Ages. However, this claim was called into question recently when a former member of the order, Brother Vedjuz, confessed on a national current affairs program that the drink was largely made from ethanol and cough mixture. Strangely, this revelation has not affected sales.

  Despite being just 700m high the Postenwalj Ranges attract skiers from all over Molvania.

  The price of using ski lifts can be greatly reduced by carrying several family members on the one ticket.

  THE EASTERN STEPPES

  [Stjppka Orjentlka]

  THE REGION

  Perhaps the first thing that strikes visitors to Molvania’s eastern districts is the colours: lush greens, earthen browns and bright, rich yellows all burst in dazzling glory from the teeth of local residents tucked away in this isolated part of the country. Whilst the east of Molvania may not abound in natural beauty or civic treasures there is much here to enjoy for the savvy traveller prepared to look beyond the bleak post-war cities and de-forested hills. Indeed, each year more and more people are visiting the Eastern Steppes region – either on organized tours or as part of refugee resettlement programs – and discovering hidden gems amongst the drab Communist-era architecture and pockets of heavy pollution. There are beautifully historic cities like Bardjov, thought to have once been mentioned by Shakespeare himself:

  ‘Curs’d dominion foul poxen lair

  Where misery meet with fortune grim

  And drab spirit doth blight the soul