Molvania Read online

  travel guide

  Molvanîa

  A LAND UNTOUCHED BY MODERN DENTISTRY...

  First published in 2003

  by Hardie Grant Books in conjunction with Working Dog Pty Ltd

  Hardie Grant Books

  12 Claremont Street

  South Yarra Victoria 3141

  Australia

  www.hardiegrant.com

  text © Working Dog Pty Ltd 2003

  photos © photographers 2003

  maps & illustrations © Working Dog Pty Ltd 2003

  All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, performed in public, communicated to the public, adapted or otherwise dealt with in whole or in part, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the publishers and the copyright holders.

  The moral rights of the authors have been asserted.

  National Library of Australia Cataloguing-in-Publication Data:

  Gleisner, Tom, 1962-

  Molvania : a land untouched by modern dentistry.

  ISBN 1 74066 110 9.

  1. Parodies. 2. Travel writing. I. Cilauro, Santo. II. Sitch, Rob. III. Title.

  A827.4

  JETLAG ™ Molvania ™

  www.molvania.com

  This publication is a work of fiction and any reference to real events or persons is purely coincidental. The representation of any real person in a photograph or otherwise is meant in good faith without any intention to embarrass or cause offence, and does not constitute an endorsement of this publication by that person.

  10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

  Written by Santo Cilauro, Tom Gleisner & Rob Sitch

  Edited by Martine Lleonart

  Cover and text design Trisha Garner

  Maps by Trisha Garner

  Illustrations by Kim Roberts

  Printed and bound by Tien Wah Press (PTE) in Singapore

  PHOTOGRAPHY:

  Giuseppe Albo (deceased); Bill Bachman; Margherita Cilauro; Santo Cilauro; Emmanuel Santos; Tom Gleisner; Pauline Hirsh , inside back cover (‘Surviving Moustaschistan’, ‘Sailing the Syphollos Straits’); Lonely Planet Images; Working Dog inside back cover (‘Viva San Sombrero!’, ‘Aloha Takki Tikki’, ‘Let’s go Bongoswana’, ‘Getting Round the Tofu Islands’).

  THE AUTHORS WOULD LIKE TO THANK:

  The family of G. Albo, Liam Bradley, La Canna family, Mr & Mrs A. Caruso & family, Debra Choate, Ciccarone family, Cilauro family (especially Vito and Nonno Santo), Kate Cody, Rees Cornwall, Frances Forrest, Sandy Grant, David Herman, Michael Hirsh, Pauline Hirsh, Jane Kennedy, Simon Kuszninczuk, Luisa Laino, the town of Licodia Eubea, Lost Dogs Home, Simone Martin, Susannah Mott, Billy Pinnell, Marianne Raftopoulos, Amanda Seiffert, Greg Sitch, Julie Thomas, Polly Watkins.

  Contents

  The Authors

  Introduction

  MOLVANÎA – GETTING STARTED

  LUTENBLAG [Lutnblaag]

  THE MOLVANÎAN ALPS [Alpj Molvanjka]

  THE EASTERN STEPPES [Stjppka Orjentlka]

  THE WESTERN PLATEAU

  THE GREAT CENTRAL VALLEY

  A Poem of Farewell

  Map Legend

  Map

  Conversions

  Lutenblag Transport System

  Other Titles in the Series

  THE AUTHORS

  Rick

  Rick van Dugan Born in Missouri, Rick always dreamed of travelling the world and, at the age of 18, begged his folks to let him spend a year overseas. So enthusiastic about the concept were his parents that they agreed to send him for three. Since that time Rick has been wandering the planet earning his living as a travel writer and freelance photographer. He has worked on numerous guidebooks, including Baltic Europe, Czech Mate! and Kazakhstan on a Dollar a Month.

  Philippe

  Philippe Miseree A professional traveller since his youth, there is not a city or town Philippe has not recently been disappointed by. No matter how obscure the destination you can bet he has been there before you and found it not half as good as it was in the 1970s. His earlier works include Turkey Before it was Spoilt, India the Hard Way, South-East Asia on Less Than You Need and Unnecessarily Tough Travel. Philippe helped compile our ‘Complaints’ section.

  Olga

  Olga Stryzki Born in California, Olga got the taste for travel early when as a young child her parents took her to Europe and left her there. She then found her way to Israel where she worked on a kibbutz for several weeks before being exchanged as a hostage with the PLO. A graduate in Political Science at UCLA, Olga lists her interests as Women’s Studies, Women in History and Ice Hockey. She contributed to the sections on Molvanian women and spent the rest of her time complaining about the lack of disabled facilities.

  Trudi

  Trudi Dennes Trudi has lived and worked in Japan for over 10 years. She now works in the department of classical history at Tokyo University. Trudi has never visited Molvania and was assigned to this guide due to a staffing error.

  Recz

  Recz Jzervec A native Molvanian, Recz was born in the country’s north and grew up there, only leaving at the age of 12 in order to avoid active military service.

  Andy ‘The Animal’

  Andy ‘The Animal’ Wilson A native of Brisbane, Australia, Andy’s first taste of overseas travel was an end-of-year trip to Bali with his amateur football team. What was supposed to be a two-week holiday turned into a year away, most of that time being spent in a Denpasar prison on charges of setting fire to a monk. By the time he was released the travel-bug had bit and Andy set out across South-East Asia on an alcohol-fuelled odyssey. After returning to Australia he decided to write a book about his experiences overseas but discovered he couldn’t remember any. Since then Andy has had his visa cancelled in over 30 countries and can speak seven languages fluently when drunk. At last report he was in Afghanistan fighting with the Taliban. Andy helped compile the sections on nightlife and Molvanian beer-halls.

  Horst

  (photo courtesy Horst)

  Many of the photographs in this book were taken by Horst von Fluegel, a keen traveller who only took up photography a few years ago. Despite the lack of any formal training, Horst has approached his work with enormous focus, a quality somewhat lacking in much of his pictorial output.

  INTRODUCTION

  Despite being one of the smallest countries in Europe, the Republic of Molvania has much to offer the discerning tourist. Panoramic scenery, magnificent neoclassical architecture and centuries of devotion to fine culture are, admittedly, all in short supply. But the intrepid traveller will still find plenty to enjoy within this unique, landlocked nation state – from the capital Lutenblag, with its delightful gas-powered tram network, to the heavily-forested Postenwalj Mountains in the south, where visitors can share a glass of locally brewed zeerstum (garlic brandy) while watching a traditionally-dressed peasant labourer beat his mule.

  Molvania, the world’s number one producer of beetroot and the birthplace of whooping cough, is a country steeped in history and everywhere here the past is beautifully preserved, such as in towns like Gyrorik where you’ll find one of the oldest nuclear reactors still operating in the world. As far as buildings and public monuments go Molvania is doubly blessed, having experienced two architectural golden ages: a Gothic period under Holy Roman Emperor Charles IV and the late 1950s during which its Soviet-inspired love affair with non-reinforced concrete left an indelible mark on the urban landscape.

  For the environmentally-minded, Molvania has enthusiastically embraced the concept of eco-tourism and, at the time of writing, numerous ‘green lodges’ were under construction, many deep within the fragile temperate forests of the country’s north-east from
whose timber they are also constructed.

  The Royal Molvanian Folk Ensemble perform their traditional ‘Biljardjig’ (‘Dance of the Billiard Cues’).

  A Molvanian peasant laboriously applies expiry dates to an egg at a local supermarket.

  Of course, Molvania is also a country very much in touch with its modern side and cities like Lutenblag boast one of the hippest nightclub scenes in Europe. Here you’ll see trendy, young Molvanian students dancing the night away to the sounds of a fzdari band (described by one visitor as ‘techno-trance meets the mazurka’) or perhaps take a tour of the massive automotive plant in Bardjov, where proud workers produce Molvania’s national car, the Skumpta, with its distinctively stylish plywood interior trim.

  Food lovers will be well catered for on any trip to this part of the world and Molvanian cuisine has certainly come a long way from the time when you could only find a few greasy, dimly-lit and over-priced cafes in the centre of Lutenblag. Nowadays such establishments have sprung up everywhere throughout the country.

  Whatever you’re looking for, chances are you’ll find it in Molvania. All you need is this guide plus a few vaccinations* and you’re ready to go!

  * For cholera, typhoid, diphtheria, hepatitis A, hepatitis B, polio, tuberculosis, hepatitis C, meningitis, malaria, tetanus, dengue fever and tickborne encephalitis. Those planning to travel into the countryside might also consider an anthrax shot.

  MOLVANÎA – GETTING STARTED

  HISTORY

  Although Slavic tribes probably occupied what is now Molvania in the 5th century, the first recorded reference to the country came in AD721 when the Prince of Molvanskia, Nikod I, declared himself lord of an empire taking in not only his own country, but Prussia, Germany and much of Scandinavia. It was an ambitious claim from a ruler who had just turned 12 years old and his expansionist reign lasted barely a few weeks.

  The Middle Ages saw Molvania invaded by numerous armies, including the Goths, Tatars, Turks, Huns, Balts, Lombards and even a surprisingly militant band of Spanish nuns, before Molvania’s first king and patron saint Fyodor I, set about unifying his country by killing off as many of its citizens as he could. Those not murdered or imprisoned were forced into teaching.

  The empire converted to Christianity with the arrival of the missionary St Parthag in AD863 but reverted to paganism as soon as he left the following year. During the Dark Ages Molvania enjoyed a short period as a Muslim country, but the Koran’s strict teachings against drinking, violence and extra-marital sex never caught on with the local population.

  A baptismal font featuring one of Molvania’s earliest martyrs, St Stripa (born AD 829 – excommunicated AD 863).

  Molvania experienced a brief flowering of Renaissance culture, with some historians putting the actual period down to about three weeks towards the end of 1503. But there is certainly evidence of a renewed interest in art and culture beyond this time and during the 1520s one of Europe’s most enlightened universities was built in the country’s north at Motensparg, which offered courses in ancient Greek and Latin as well as wrestling scholarships.

  In 1541 a peasant army attempted to turn on the landowners but the uprising was suppressed and the leader Gyidor Dvokic burned alive on a red-hot iron spike, giving rise to the modern Molvanian witticism ‘eich zdern clakka yastenhach!’ (literally ‘my rectum feels as if a great heat is being applied’). During this time the country consisted of numerous semi-independent principalities and city-states preoccupied with internal quarrels. In 1570 an attempt was made to bring these separate regions together but no-one could agree on a place to hold the meeting and the country was eventually plunged into the Twenty Years War, a conflict that actually ran for only six months.

  The 17th century saw Molvania divided into various fiefdoms, each under the control of a despotic ruler who would ruthlessly crush the slightest sign of unrest; this was considered one of the country’s most enlightened periods.

  HISTORICAL OVERVIEW

  PRE-HISTORY 10,000 BC

  Molvania emerged from the Iron Age when certain tribes in the north began hunting animals with weapons made entirely of unripe potatoes. Over the next 2,000 years the population dwindled to a mere 680 until legend has it that the warrior-king Zlag found a new, less starchy substance with which to construct utensils, thus dragging his country into the Cork Age.

  CLASSICAL TIMES 50BC – ROMAN INVASION

  Under the rule of Julius Caesar, most Roman expansion was perceived to be westward. But as General Maximus led his troops through Gaul, Iberia and Britain, another feared general, Hortensius Clarus, led his legions east through the Balkans until he got to the outpost known to the Romans as ‘terra Mulvania – populus insanissimus’. His advance was stopped when, upon taking the city of Jraftrwok, he demanded the king’s daughter as a concubine. She bravely slit his throat after he insisted she shave her armpits. When the retreating army brought back the general’s decapitated body and a description of Molvanian women, Rome vowed never to set foot in Molvania again.

  GOLDEN AGE AD720–988

  While most of the western world went into decline during the Dark Ages, Molvania seemed to flourish during this period under the Gladbaag Dynasty. It was during this period that the greatest of all Molvanian poets, Ezrog, composed the epic tragi-comedy Jzlakkensklowcza, 20,000 verses based on the bawdy exploits of all the characters depicted in Tarot cards.

  MODERN HISTORY

  After centuries as a kingdom Molvania eventually declared itself a republic in 1834 and its leaders set about drawing up a modern constitution. The resulting document vested all executive powers in a Grand Wizard whose decisions could only be overruled during a full moon. Further attempts modernized the structure even further, forming the basis for Molvania’s current democratic system of government. The first popularly elected Prime Minister was Czez Vaduz who ruled until his death in 1871. Such was this charismatic leader’s popularity he was re-elected the following year.

  The 20th century saw Molvania emerge as a semi-industrial powerhouse, one of the biggest parsnip- and liquorice-producing countries in the world. In 1940 the Nazi Party rose to power and Molvania was drawn into World War II as a German ally. Fifty years later many Molvanians are yet to fully accept this shameful period in their recent history, including the formation of a secret military police so brutal that occupying SS officers were afraid to have dealings with them. Sadly, even today there is a strong right-wing element in Molvanian politics, represented by the popular Jsalter Party (founded by popular nightclub singer turned statesman Igor Ztubalk, known to his fans as ‘the Singing Neo-Nazi’).

  MOLVANIA’S POLITICAL STRUCTURE

  After the war Molvania found itself under Soviet control and endured many years of hardship and authoritarian rule. The turning point came in 1982 when the famous Lutenblag Wall collapsed, not due so much to democratic reform, but just shoddy construction. However, removal of this hated symbol of communist control led to Molvania holding its first democratic elections in 1983. These elections were won by a former military commander General Tzoric who scored a landslide victory – quite literally – when all members of the opposition party were buried by a freak landslide while out campaigning. Tzoric and his Rzelic Party ruled for the next decade before eventually being ousted in 1989 by the newly-formed Peace Party, who immediately declared war on Slovakia and Poland. A truce was eventually drawn up but, regrettably, Molvania entered a period of steep economic decline, culminating with the Thirteen Year Strike in which factory workers walked off the job for 4745 consecutive days over management plans to cut back on holiday bonuses.

  In 1997 Molvania applied to become a member of the European Union but full membership has been slow in coming due, in part, to Molvania’s refusal to allow biological weapons inspectors into the country.

  Today Molvania is a country caught between the old world and the new, and the contrasts are many. It has provisional NATO membership and healthy IMF ratings, but is yet to declare witch-bu
rning an indictable offence. Public services such as health care and education are woefully under-resourced yet there are nine government-funded TV networks. Despite these contradictions, or perhaps because of them, more and more people are visiting each year to experience the unique charm that is Molvania.

  Prime Minister V. B. Tzoric congratulates the joint winners of the 1987 Young Despot of the Year Award (several weeks later, the one on the left killed the one on the right).

  Molvania’s much-loved Royal Family-in-exile.

  THE FATHER OF MODERN MOLVANIA

  You don’t have to travel far in Molvania to come across the name Szlonko Busjbusj (1891–1948). Known as the Father of Modern Molvania, or more affectionately as ‘Bu-Bu’, this pioneering statesman has roads, bridges, statues, rivers and even a communicable disease named after him. And it’s little wonder considering his numerous achievements as Prime Minister for several terms during the tumultuous 1930s. During that period Busjbusj managed to:

  Szlonko Busjbusj (‘Bu-Bu’)

  * de-regulate the country’s tractor industry

  * shorten the alphabet by 33 letters

  * re-introduce the wheel

  * reduce the maximum working weekend from 18 to 16 hours

  * tie Molvania’s currency (the strubl) to the Latvian lit

  * establish the ‘Balkan 7’, a loose regional confederation of land-locked republics

  * amend the Constitution to include a Bill of Rights guaranteeing all citizens the right to bear a grudge

  But for all these extraordinary reforms ‘Bu-Bu’ is perhaps best remembered for his visionary economic guidance during the 1932 Great Depression. These were dark days for the world and Molvania; hyperinflation forced people to walk around with wheelbarrows full of money simply in order to make basic grocery purchases. In a move that out-foxed the global financial community, Szlonko Busjbusj dealt with the problem by declaring wheelbarrows legal tender.