Molvania Read online

  Though generally a tolerant organization, Molvania’s police will not hesitate to issue fines for misdemeanours such as speeding and public drunkenness, regardless of whether the offender is a local or a tourist. Jail terms may result from more serious breaches of the law such as assault, theft or breastfeeding in public.

  Philippe Miseree writes…

  It’s pathetic, tourists complaining about pickpockets and worrying that they might get mugged if they go into a certain section of town. For me, being the victim of minor crime is an essential part of the overall travel experience. Once, in a seedy “ Lutenblag hotel room, I woke to discover that thieves had stolen my wallet, camera and a kidney –it was a trip I will never forget! ”

  P.M.

  Sadly, underworld influences have taken over even the egg trade.

  WOMEN TRAVELLERS

  Women travelling alone through Molvania should expect few problems aside from the usual assault, armed robbery and stalking that one sees in most Eastern European countries. A wedding ring (worn on the left hand) has one advantage in that it may help prevent you becoming the subject of amorous advances. On the downside, it will make you a certain target for gypsy thieves.

  DISABLED TRAVELLERS

  Molvania prides itself on its attitudes to the disabled and in 1985 it passed legislation allowing them to beg without a permit.

  GAY TRAVELLERS

  Although conservative, Molvanians have taken great steps forward over recent years and in many parts of the country it is no longer compulsory for men to grow a moustache. Some of the bigger cities even permit cologne. Of course, visitors are officially free to do as they wish, although one has to weigh up the right to display open affection with the probability of being publicly beaten.

  Gay travellers are welcome in most parts of Molvania but care should be taken not to stand out.

  Fakin’ It !

  Like many Eastern European countries, Molvanian currency has its fair share of forgeries and visitors should be alert to avoid getting ripped off by counterfeit notes. When passed a Molvanian strubl, be on the look out for poor quality paper, smudged ink and spelling errors; notes displaying these features are likely to be authentic.

  USEFUL FACTS

  ELECTRICITY

  Supply to all but the most outlying areas of Molvania is now fairly reliable; however, the electrical current is a rather unusual 37 volts, having been chosen using numerology charts. If you plan on using appliances manufactured outside Molvania a transformer will be required.

  Note: Make sure the appliance is well earthed and there are no flammable liquids within 3m.

  CURRENCY

  1 strubl ( 1) = 100 qunts (100q)

  In times of war or economic crisis garlic is often accepted as legal tender. Since deregulation the strubl has had a rocky ride on international markets and has been significantly devalued in recent years, but with the official inflation rate now well under 28% some stability has been restored.

  During times of severe economic recession garlic may be accepted as legal tender.

  CREEPY-CRAWLIES

  Insect repellent is a must, preferably extra-strength, to cope with Molvania’s range of insect life: mosquitoes (January—March), wasps (February—May), midges (April—August), earwigs (August— October) and leeches (year-round).

  PHOTOGRAPHY

  With picturesque villages and stunning scenery Molvania is a great place for shutter-bugs. In general, people are pleased to be photographed, but please ask first.

  Note: Never photograph gypsies without explicit permission and a clear escape route.

  PASSPORTS

  Remember, a valid passport is required at all border crossings and certain undesirable visitors may be refused entry, such as convicted felons, those with links to a terrorist organization or vegetarians.

  HOW TO GET THERE

  Air The national airline of Molvania is Aeromolv, the subject of much press coverage back in 2000 when its pilots went on strike in protest over government plans to prohibit them drinking alcohol within two hours of a flight. Aeromolv’s fleet consists mainly of older B-717 aircraft; passengers board through the nosewheel hatch. There are also several ‘no-frills’ carriers for those prepared to travel without the luxury of in-flight dining or navigation equipment.

  Aeromolv’s Chief Pilot, Capt. Jelso Vrboska, completes pre-flight safety checks.

  Bus Most major European cities have bus routes that take in Lutenblag and other provincial cities. Government-run companies are generally the best and most reliable. Avoid cut-price private transport operators in places like Slovenia and Poland as their ‘budget’ services will often involve crossing the border inside a sealed shipping container.

  HOW TO GET AWAY

  The departure tax is 3000 – one of the highest in Europe, but most visitors agree it’s well worth the price. You’ll also have to fill out a Departure Card. Many readers have pointed out the intrusive nature of the last few questions, involving sexual contacts and phone numbers.

  Note: Answering is not obligatory, but much appreciated by the immigration officials.

  HOW TO GET AROUND

  Car is the most popular form of transport; however, many Molvanian roads struggle to cope with the traffic demands placed upon them. Lutenblag and Svetranj are linked by one of the only cobblestone autobahns in all of Europe. Remember that Molvanians drive on the right, although around Christmas and national holidays this rule can get a little blurred. Cars must still give way to tractors, and children under 12 years of age must ride in the back seat. (The same rule applies to livestock.) In major towns parking spaces are marked with a blue line and a sign denoting time restrictions. ‘No Parking’ areas are marked by a sign with a red circle around a skull and crossbones symbol.

  CUSTOMS & DUTIES

  Strict rules govern what may and may not be brought into Molvania. Visitors are permitted to carry a maximum of 2500 cigarettes for each adult (children can carry 1500). There are technically no limits on the amount of alcohol one may bring in to the country, but customs inspectors will often demand you open a bottle so they can test its contents before letting you through. As for exporting alcohol, there are no restrictions on the amount of Molvanian wine that may be taken out of the country – in fact, the government offers cash incentives for those prepared to take two dozen bottles or more.

  HOSPITALS & PHARMACIES

  Gone are the days when it was necessary for visitors to come equipped with personal first-aid kits and their own blood supplies.* Pharmacies exist in most major cities and can prescribe drugs for common complaints (diarrhoea, sore throat, syphillus) and also sell Immodium, Tampax, Aspirin and a locally manufactured contraceptive pill so effective that one dose will rule out the possibility of falling pregnant for the next five years. In outlying areas of the country, medical supplies can generally be obtained from the local stock agent, although visitors should be warned against purchasing unusually cheap medications bearing the phrase ‘zve crojezn ub’ (‘animal use only’).

  Clinics and doctors’ surgeries are also widespread throughout Molvania and most of the major cities have at least one hospital. The Lutenblag Public Hospital not only provides a full range of out-patient facilities, it is one of the few medical centres in Europe to offer a 24-hour autopsy service.

  REST ROOMS

  Public rest rooms (urinjaztkis) are more common and cleaner than they used to be in Molvania. You’ll generally have to pay 40–50 to an attendant who will, in return, hand you some toilet paper and a form to sign indemnifying the owners for any long-term physical or psychological damage resulting from your visit. Of course, in outlying areas public toilets are all but non-existent and locals ‘caught short’ will simply use a tree, stone fence or civic monument.

  Molvanian Rest Room Signs

  HOT & COLD WATER

  Molvanian plumbing can be a little complicated, especially as it changes depending on which part of the country you are in. In the capital Lutenblag and mos
t western cities you’ll find the hot water tap on your left and cold on your right, with both being turned on in a counter-clockwise direction. However, in the east and some mountainous regions of the south this layout is reversed and the taps are operated by a lever located to the left of the hot tap or right of the cold, depending on which way you’re facing.

  DRINKING WATER

  Despite recent improvements in Molvania’s water supply system, concerns still exist over the quality and safety of most tap water. Boiling the water before you drink it will get rid of most bacterial contamination, but the heavier than recommended lead levels still pose health risks (see the section on ‘Molvania’s Royal Family’). Bottled water is readily available and a sensible alternative.

  One glass of Molvanian tap water contains 80% of your annual requirements of trace metals and e-coli.

  TIPPING

  In Molvania it is not generally necessary to tip, unless of course you want something done. However, as a gesture of goodwill it is common to reward anyone who has been of assistance, whether they’ve driven you, carried your bags or simply performed a minor surgical procedure.

  Most restaurant and hotel bills include a small service charge (10–15%) as well as a smaller charge (3–5%) for including the first charge. At the end of a meal, round your bill up to the next multiple of 10 (if the bill comes to 73, give the waiter 80). Porters who bring bags to your room should be given about 30, or as much as it takes to get them to leave. Don’t forget to tip the maids who clean your hotel room or there is a strong chance they will return and mess it up again. Taxi drivers should be tipped at least 10%, unless you’re prepared to exit a moving vehicle. It is also not unusual for air passengers to tip their pilot following an incident-free landing.

  In many country areas, people will be offended if you offer a tip – but accept it nonetheless – and, in fact, demand to be offended if you forget.

  CASH MACHINES

  Automatic teller machines are becoming more common throughout Molvania, although few ever contain money. Due to the country’s erratic electrical supply it is often necessary to complete withdrawals with the aid of a mechanical winch handle located on the side of most machines.

  Traveller’s Tip

  Remember, when shopping in Molvania, be careful not to throw away your VAT receipts. There is no effective refund scheme but littering is an offence.

  FIREARMS

  Strict laws governing firearms apply throughout Molvania and the list of those who may carry hand-guns is limited to police officers, soldiers, members of sporting shooters’ associations, customs officials, parking officers, veterinary surgeons, postal workers, dental nurses, primary school teachers, anyone in regular employment and nuns.

  SHOPPING

  Molvanians love their traditional markets and street stalls; however, there are a few modern western-style supermarkets springing up. Despite appearances these establishments can be rather poorly-stocked and the service excruciatingly slow, especially the so-called Ezprezz 10 items or less check-out aisles, where it is not uncommon to see extended Molvanian families, each member clutching 10 items, painstakingly carrying up to 180 individual purchases.

  VAT REFUND

  Remember that upon leaving you are entitled to a value-added tax (VAT) refund on new goods valued at 5000 or more. To claim your refund, look for the brown Zcajajac counter in the departure lounge of any Molvanian international airport. Show the official customs officer your purchase (and receipt!) and he will get you to fill in a refund form, which must then be stamped by another official at the opposite end of the terminal who will direct you to the nearest authorized VAT credit agency. Unfortunately, all refunds may only be given in local coins, the weight of which may, in turn, land you with an excess baggage fee.

  Traveller’s Tip

  Many tourists visiting dining establishments worry about Molvania’s reputation for overcharging foreign patrons. Our advice is not to worry. You most probably will be over-charged but don’t be offended. This sort of low-level fraud is not meant personally; in fact, it’s usually done with a smile. The truth is, many travellers arriving from Greece and Turkey are pleasantly surprised at how little they’re over-charged.

  There’s no disputing the fact that Molvania is a shopper’s paradise.

  COMMUNICATIONS

  TELEPHONE

  The country code for calls to Molvania is 372. Lutenblag numbers with seven digits do not require an additional area code. Six-digit numbers require the area code 2. Eight-digit numbers beginning with 09 generally involve pre-recorded messages of a largely sexual nature.

  Within Molvania most towns can be dialled directly, although in some cases you will require the assistance of an operator. Simply dial 01 and wait for a buzzing tone, which will generally be followed by the sound of someone clearing their throat loudly and cursing. This is the operator.

  Most hotel rooms have telephones but using these can be quite expensive. A cheaper, if slightly less convenient, method of making calls is to visit a public phone office or Cweveskid Make sure you are carrying plenty of coins and wait for a booth to become available. Then it’s just a matter of placing a 10q coin in the slot before lifting the receiver and waiting for a dial tone at which point another 10q needs to be inserted. Dial your number and then as soon as it is answered put the remainder of your coins in. Alternatively, you can purchase a fornikarta (phone-card) at any post office.

  MOBILE PHONES

  Mobile phone coverage outside the capital Lutenblag can be a little patchy and SMS text messaging – where available – still involves Morse code. However, Molvania operates one of the most extensive walkie-talkie networks in the world. These useful devices, many small enough to be carried in a modest day-pack, make communication possible in all but the most remote areas of the country.

  INTERNET

  Internet access has been slow in coming to Molvania and, at a top rate of just 17bps, many visitors still find that postcards actually arrive quicker than their emails. Despite this, numerous e-cafes have sprung up in most of the larger cities; however, these facilities attract a somewhat disreputable crowd of Web users who spend many hours logged onto Molvania’s most visited Internet site www.nudigurlz.com.mv

  In Case of Emergency…

  The emergency telephone number throughout Molvania is 00990. Callers will be asked to give clear details of their situation and state whether they require police, ambulance or the arson investigation squad. Do not expect an immediate response as you will be speaking to a recorded message service; however, the tape is checked quite regularly.

  * In areas of northern Molvania this part of the process can often take several days.

  * Although it still wouldn’t hurt.

  LUTENBLAG

  [Lutnblaag]

  LUTENBLAG

  Lutenblag was once viewed by other European capitals as something of a backward, provincial outpost, but if there was ever any truth to that, there certainly isn’t today. Since playing host to a string of major international events, including the 1998 World Petanque Championships and 2001’s Stverska! Folklorique Dance Expo, Lutenblag has developed into a bustling, cosmopolitan city with a lively nightclub scene, a busy cultural calendar and a fairly reliable electricity supply to all but the outermost suburbs.

  The city is not without its problems, pollution being one of the major drawbacks – many visitors have been struck by the thick blanket of smog that hangs over much of the town. But things are looking up, with Molvania recently signing the Kyoto Protocol and announcing plans to phase out brown coal as an energy source. By 2010 all power generation will be diesel.

  According to its motto, Lutenblag is the ‘city of growth’, a claim that could be applied equally to its mushrooming suburbs as well as its current crime rate.

  HISTORY

  Lutenblag is situated in the centre of Molvania, on the banks of the River Uze and was originally made up of two towns, Luten (‘place of many hills’) and Blag (‘municipal tip
’), which joined in the 12th century. With the advent of more peaceful times, Lutenblag flourished as a city of merchants and craftsmen, becoming one of the great adult book printing centres of Europe.

  In fact, the world’s first ever pornographic lithograph was published here in 1506. After a fire in 1654 much of the town was rebuilt in the baroque style. After another fire in 1951 it was rebuilt in concrete.

  TOURIST INFORMATION

  Your best source of information about Lutenblag is the National Tourist Office (Offij Turizm Nazjonal), which you will find at Av. Busjbusj ( 31769800). They’re open Monday–Friday and, while very few of the staff speak English, they’re very good at charades. In addition to stocking the standard range of maps and brochures, the office can arrange accommodation, car rental and, for a small additional fee, high-class adult escorts.

  Traveller’s Tip

  Lutenblag is generally a very safe city to visit; however, New Year’s Eve celebrations are best avoided as they are organized and run by the military who have a tendency to treat the event as a Research and Development opportunity. This practice reached its peak during the 2000 millennium festivities when they unveiled the world’s first long-range skyrocket that took out an entire village in nearby Romania.

  SUGGESTED ITINERARIES

  Depending on the length of your stay, you might want to see and do the following things:

  One day Visit the Royal Palace (Palatz Rojal) and check out the Old City.

  Two days Take an extended tour of the Old City before exploring the many Roman ruins upstream along the River Uze.

  Three days One more really good look at the Old City and perhaps a picnic in the Botanical Gardens (Jardn Botanjka).