Molvania Read online

The Lutenblag Private Language Academy (the Linguistikprivatakademikalutnblaag

  USEFUL PHRASES

  COMMON EXPRESSIONS

  Zlkavszka Hello

  Grovzsgo Goodbye

  Vrizsi Please

  Brobra Thank you

  Wakuz Dro Brugka Spazibo Good luck (literally ‘May God send you a sturdy donkey’)

  Sprufki Doh Craszko? What is that smell?

  Dyuszkiya trappokski drovko? Does it always rain this much?

  Kyunkasko sbazko byusba? Where is the toilet paper?

  Togurfga trakij sdonchskia? What happened to your teeth?

  LESS COMMON EXPRESSIONS

  Frijyhadsgo drof, huftrawxzkio More food, inn-keeper.

  Ok hyrafrpiki kidriki What beautiful children!

  VERY RARE EXPRESSIONS

  Krokystrokiskiaskya See you again soon.

  Tongue-Twisting...!

  The US State Department ranks languages by the time it takes their operatives and trainees to learn them. Spanish is listed at five months while North Korean and Arabic take 24. Molvanian is officially classified as 16 years and hence is considered at the difficult end of the spectrum. The official State Department guide lists several reasons for this, including the ability for the same word to be both complimentary and insulting depending on the key in which it is vocalised.

  HEALTH ALERT!

  DUE TO THE ABUNDANCE OF GUTTURAL PHONETIC SOUNDS FOUND IN THE SPOKEN LANGUAGE, NON-NATIVE MOLVANIAN SPEAKERS ARE WARNED ABOUT THE RISK OF LARYNGEAL DAMAGE THAT CAN ARISE FROM ATTEMPTING ANYTHING MORE THAN A FEW SHORT PHRASES.

  FOOD & DRINK

  Molvanians love eating out – preferably in France or Germany – but those dining within the borders of this unique country will find it a vibrant and exciting culinary experience.

  Only in Molvania can one sample traditional fare such as horsflab (the local pickled meat delicacy) washed down with a glass of zeerstum, a liqueur one reader described as tasting like ‘a mixture of vodka and Avgas’ – quite understandable as both are common ingredients.

  Most Molvanians also have a sweet tooth – often the only one left after a lifetime of overly sweetened food – and national desserts here are a gastronome’s delight, with a surprisingly wide variety given that so many of them are based on the parsnip.

  American-style coffee shops are common throughout the country but, of course, old habits die hard and most mornings around 11.00am you’ll see many elderly Molvanians, propped up in a zvadovar bar, drinking cups of this heavily-sugared chicory extract through cork filters.

  Horsflab is a popular local delicacy.

  Traveller’s Tip

  Zvadovar cafes are a great way to soak in the atmosphere, but remember that sitting at a table outside can be costly. A better idea is to join the locals standing up inside the cafe, although be warned – you will be charged extra if your elbow comes into contact with any part of the bar surface area.

  Molvanian wines are exported all over the world – and for good reason. No-one at home is prepared to drink them.

  Those in need of a fast-food fix will notice several Burger Kings, McDonalds and KFC stores have opened up in the main centres, though not without a fight from many local groups who opposed the arrival of such US-based restaurant chains. In the end a compromise was reached and all products sold at these outlets must contain 12% local cabbage, except for the milkshakes, which require just 10%. There are also home-grown fast-food franchises such as the popular Zitz Pizza restaurants, where the owners advertise an attractive ‘second helpings are free’ policy, safe in the knowledge this offer will rarely be taken up.

  As a rule, eating out in Molvania is quite cheap, especially compared to other parts of Europe, but take care to check the menu prices for added extras such as a 10% service fee (20% if you want cutlery), which can bump the cost up. In some of the larger cities you may also be expected to pay extra for a waiter with a moustache.

  Alcohol can easily be purchased throughout Molvania in most bars, restaurants, cafes, supermarkets and churches.

  The Local Drop...

  One of the most popular drinks in Molvania is turpz, a white wine flavoured with oak resin. This fruity drop is an acquired taste, but once tasted, it’s hard to give up, due in part to the fact that it contains nicotine.

  Fishy Business!

  One of the most sought-after delicacies in Molvania is ovza, the local caviar made from the eggs of freshwater carp. Slightly sour with a bitter aftertaste, the fish roe is generally salted, boiled, tenderized and then preserved in oil for several years before being served as a decorative garnish.

  Despite being a land-locked country, Molvanians love their seafood.

  Here a fisherman from Lake Vjaza checks his catch for mercury levels.

  MUSIC

  FOLK

  Molvania has a rich musical heritage, the origins of which stretch back to the Middle Ages when shepherds would carry a kvkadra (a simple brass horn used to drive away wolves). Unfortunately this instrument had a similar effect on audiences and, during the 16th century, it was modified into what we now call a zjardrill (a sort of goat-skin bagpipe played by pumping the bellows with one’s left elbow whilst moving a series of valves and reeds up and down a finger board). For all this technical complexity, the zjardrill was only capable of producing three notes, but despite this limitation a rich folk tradition soon developed around it. Even today these instruments can still be heard, especially in outlying areas where people gather to enjoy traditional dances such as the mzazeruk (in which a trio of young women perform an energetic jig whilst a circle of men attempt to fondle them).

  CLASSICAL

  Classical music has also played a large part in Molvania’s cultural history and the great Tzozar Czevkel (1772–1821) is still recognized as one of the most prolific composers of his time. Born in Gyrorik just a few years after Beethoven, this Molvanian maestro shared a lot with his German contemporary. Both men battled poverty and, like Beethoven, Czevkel was deaf – or more accurately, tone-deaf – but despite these difficulties he produced an enormous body of work encompassing chamber and orchestral music, masses and dances. His Concerto for Tuba and Triangle in E flat minor remains one of the most distinctive, if rarely-performed, works in symphonic history.

  On Air! Although there is no FM-band, pop music can be heard on the AM-band or the more popular CB-band.

  The other great figure of Molvanian classical music was Azmon Dirj (1856–1879) who is generally known as ‘the father of the semi-quaver’. Dirj composed several operas that perfectly captured the essential joy, dignity and power of the human condition. That he was able to do this within the musical framework of the polka says much for the depth of his talent. Many of Dirj’s works are still performed by the world-renowned Molvanian Opera Company. This neoclassical ensemble performs nightly at the Lutenblag State Theatre where headphones can be hired to provide simultaneous translation into English. Alternatively, they can simply be used to block out the music.

  CHORAL No visit to this part of the world would be complete without experiencing the haunting harmonies of the Molvanian Boys Choir. Despite recent negative publicity surrounding their choirmaster’s ‘extra-curricular’ activities (all charges were actually dismissed by a Swiss court), the young vocalists continue to delight. Here’s a tip – catch them now before proposed anti-castration laws are formally passed.

  Spatzal!

  Two girls, one guy and a transvestite make up Molvania’s most successful pop music act, the award-winning Spatzal!, who made it to fifth place in the 1998 Eurovision Song Contest with their catchy dance tune ‘Vlarsh ei Czolom’ (‘Your Boogy I am Shaking’). Sadly, the group split up in 2001 (bass player Vron Gzapaov reportedly has a solo album in the works) but such was their influence that there are numerous Spatzal! tribute bands still touring the Baltic region.

  Following the success of their previous L.P.s ‘Im’ Ready From Yuo! ’ (1993) and ‘Hey Beutifulls! ’ (1994), Spatzal’s ‘Let’s Ro
ck!’ (1996) proved to be an historic album, described by Rolling Stone as Molvania’s first ever correctly-spelt English language release.

  THEATRE, ART & LITERATURE

  In the 1920s Molvania was the theatrical capital of Europe, and its most famous practitioner was the Marxist poet and playwright Jurzse Vepcojat (1897–1946). Vepcojat revolutionised the dramatic arts by inventing a new form of theatre in which the writer deliberately set out to alienate his audience – a philosophy he pursued with considerable success, and one that has influenced all Molvanian playwrights since.

  Even today Vepcojat’s plays can clear a packed opening night theatre audience within minutes.

  Molvania has many outstanding works of art, most of them plundered from Italy during the 17th century wars. As far as home-grown talent goes, one need look no further than Molvania’s most famous artist, the enigmatic Jzacol Rebljeten (1583–1611). Rebljeten was a dedicated craftsman who had a detailed knowledge of anatomy that came from hours spent dissecting corpses. Interestingly, this knowledge proved of little direct benefit to his art as he only ever painted landscapes, but Rebljeten still managed to produce some of the most important works ever to come out of central Europe. A strong feature of his painting was the way he deliberately distorted the proportions of his subjects in what many scholars believe was an early attempt to abandon Naturalism in favour of the Mannerist style. Others have suggested he just wasn’t very good at drawing, but whatever the case, Rebljeten’s works are proudly displayed in galleries throughout Molvania.

  One of the strongest movements in Molvanian art was pioneered by a group of people called the Sverkj Krempzes (‘Courtroom Artists’), who emerged during the 20th century when local Mafia figures would commission them to capture on canvas their major courtroom appearances.

  With a long and rich history of literature it’s hard to pick any one author who best typifies Molvanian writing. Many would argue it is the acclaimed nationalist Bratislav Demkjo (1734–1789), a peasant by birth, who wrote plays, novels and satiric verse. His most famous work was the epic poem Gorzenmko ur Turj (‘My Beating Heart’), 12 volumes of densely allegorical, highly-stylised verse depicting the fortunes of a working class Molvanian family. It has been described by scholars as one of the most significant works never read.

  HUMOUR

  Molvanians are often described as dour, humourless people, but the truth is they enjoy a laugh as much as the next Eastern European. Molvanian comedy can, however, take a little getting used to. A typical joke would be: ‘A man is shooting deer in the woods when he comes across a chest full of gold coins. “This must belong to someone very wealthy” he thinks and decides to sit in wait for the owner to return so he can rob him of the wealth!’ (The joke, of course, being that he could have just taken the coins, thus avoiding the need for a lengthy wait and subsequent criminal act.)

  Molvanians love a laugh – preferably at someone else’s expense.

  NEWSPAPERS, FILM & VIDEO

  There is one English-language newspaper published in Molvania, the touristoriented Lutenblag Today. However, this comes out monthly, with the result that some of its listings may be out of date.

  Molvanians are avid film-goers and there are numerous cinemas throughout the country showing a wide range of movies, from Hollywood blockbusters through to independent releases from local directors such as Jzan Zetwiski. Widely regarded as a cinematic auteur, Zetwiski describes his films as ‘modern fables, exploring the themes of morality and beauty in a random universe’. Others call them ‘cheap Euro porn’, which only serves to highlight the multi-layered brilliance of this young visionary’s work.

  If you want to see a film in Molvania remember that most of them are dubbed or sub-titled, sometimes both. It’s worth avoiding dubbed films as all character’s voices seem to be supplied by the same two actors, both men, one of whom has a noticeable stutter.

  For those after in-house movie viewing there are plenty of video hire outlets to be found, the only drawback being that Molvania firmly embraced the Beta system of video recorder in the 1980s, declaring it ‘the way of the future’. Fortunately, Beta video players are also available for hire, as are eight-track audio tape players and ‘Space Invaders’ consoles.

  There is a newly opened multiplex in Lutenblag featuring eight screens, although at the time of writing it only had the one projector.

  TV

  Molvanian TV is not good. There are three state run channels: Telemolva 1, Telemolva 2 and the premium network Telemolva Plus, which is in colour.

  All channels feature a mixture of tawdry Slovakian soaps, football matches, badly dubbed films and a home-produced news program ‘Molva Tuja!’, that features information about which members of the government have been arrested that day.

  Whilst very little programming is broadcast in English it is still possible for visitors stuck in a hotel room to glean a few cultural insights by tuning in. A typical day’s viewing looks like this:

  6.30am Good Morning Molvania!

  (including news, views and death notices).

  8.30am Ctvrtek Listek.

  Slovakian drama series. Putlo realizes the mule may be lying. Stand-over man Standova makes Ziva an offer he can’t understand.

  10.30am Station closed

  for technical repairs.

  3pm Nejbors (Neighbours).

  Australian drama series featuring sunburnt teenagers. Sparks fly when Zarlin (Charlene) shows Zcott (Scott) her tulbok (toolbox).

  3.30pm Molvanian Family Feud.

  Two families, a long-standing grudge and numerous concealed weapons make this the country’s most popular game show.

  5pm Dj Bradj Bunj (The Brady Bunch).

  Re-make of US comedy. A widower with three boys marries a widow with three liquor licences. Much mirth ensues. (Repeat)

  7pm Telenewz. All the latest from the live eye news centre in Lutenblag.

  7.30pm Molva Tuja!

  In depth current affairs program (features Lotto Draw 4113)

  8.30pm Marszalkowska.

  Medico-legal police drama. Tempers fray when Zep, Jerv, Marta, Theodor and Bruc realize there are too many of them working on the case.

  9.30pm The Late Show with Brashko Vedev.

  Music, laughter and chat from Molvania’s Mr Entertainment. Tonight’s guests include local soccer legend Viordar Czervkle and comedy duo ‘Vatsak’. Featuring Brashko’s ‘Wheel of Torture’.

  11.30pm Epiloj. Fr. Jzerco Mzemet (below) offers a prayer to end the day.

  11.32pm All night Adult Movie marathon.

  Lesbian Nurses at Home (XXX) and more!!!

  WHEN TO GO

  Depending on what you want from your trip, any time can be good to visit Molvania. As a general rule, spring and autumn tend to be wet, winter is bitterly cold and in the summer the heat can be oppressive. The busiest season is, naturally, July when much of the country is deluged by Slovenian tour buses. Those wanting a quieter, less-crowded experience might consider visiting in the ‘off-season’ periods such as winter or during the Lutenblag Jazz Festival. Many travellers find it useful planning their trip to coincide with one of the many public holidays or feast days Molvanians love to celebrate. Some of the major ones include:

  CALENDAR OF EVENTS

  *2 FEBRUARY St Fyodor’s Day. The birth-date of Molvania’s patron saint is marked by a public holiday featuring parades, masses and a huge international arms fair.

  *MARCH Visit the picturesque hillside town of Lublova for the traditional Running of the Bulls in which a frightened herd of cattle flee from a group of heavily-armed young men. A large BBQ feast follows.

  *MARCH/APRIL Easter is a major event in Molvania and in every town and village locals will dress up, often in traditional costume, and celebrate the resurrection with music, dancing and each others’ wives.

  *APRIL In most towns the festival of Spiegleglaz traditionally involves villagers dancing and singing as they welcome in the spring: unfortunately the ceremony is often cancelled
due to rain.

  *1 MAY Opening of the hunting season which runs until 30 April. Shooting is a very popular pastime in Molvania with duck, quail and pheasant all on the endangered list.

  *JUNE The Lutenblag Film Festival invites filmmakers from all over Europe, but generally only receives acceptances from Bulgaria and Romania.

  *6, 7 or 14 JULY Molvania’s National Day of Unity celebrates the anniversary of the country coming together as a unified nation-state. Unfortunately there’s still some disagreement over precisely what date this event should be celebrated on.

  *AUGUST The Molvanian Military Tattoo is staged each year in the grounds of the Lutenblag Palace. Highlights include a performance by the famous Royal Skidding Horses whose ‘slide and dismount’ demonstration is a real crowd-pleaser, especially when the ‘screen’ comes out.

  *OCTOBER For those staying in Lutenblag this is the big one – Swinefest (starting the last Sunday of October, ending when the blood congeals).

  *DECEMBER Christmas in Molvania is celebrated on 27 December, a date that gives locals the opportunity to cross the border to take advantage of cheap gift-buying sprees at Boxing Day sales abroad.

  CRIME

  Even in a relatively safe country like Molvania, travellers must still be aware that the possibility of theft or violence exists. Pickpockets are active around many of the major railway stations and you should keep a close eye on your belongings. If something does go missing the best thing to do is look for a Guarjda Civilje. Chances are he will be the person who stole it.

  Another area worth avoiding is the Sklertzen precinct of inner-city Lutenblag, where elements of the Molvanian Mafia are known to operate. At night this becomes a red-light district, featuring seedy strip joints where local businessmen can be seen stuffing US dollars into the garter belts of some of the oldest sex workers in the Balkans.

  Should you find it necessary to report a crime, remember there are 17 different branches of Molvanian polizi, each with their own specific area of responsibility. For example, a motor vehicle accident requires the Polizi Autzo (tel 133), while a violent crime calls for the Polizi Hzuomo (tel 128). In the unlikely event you suffer an act of international piracy, the Polizi Aquza (tel 142) are the ones to call.