Molvania Read online

  Four days As above, plus a night out enjoying a show at the famous Concert Hall (Konkerthausj).

  Five days Good opportunity to get your washing done.

  Six days And write a few postcards.

  SHOPPING

  Many visitors to Molvania will want to take something home to remember their trip and Lutenblag certainly offers a wide range of options for the keen souvenir hunter. Of course, you want to be certain what you’re purchasing is a genuine product and to this end the Molvanian government has established a network of shops selling handicrafts to tourists under the banner Uzrec ej Molvania (‘Made in Molvania’). If you find any item bearing this sticker, you can be assured that it is both authentic and marked up by 62%.

  HOW TO GET AROUND

  Car A car is a good way of getting around, although like most cities, peak hour can get busy. Things weren’t helped when the long-awaited Lutenblag Ring Road (Kirklbaan) was built directly through the centre of town. Most freeways have a transit lane open to motorcycles, taxis and livestock. Car-pooling is also popular, with incentives for more than 15 people on a tractor. Unleaded petrol is freely available; look for the word Bleifrei (‘methylated spirits’) at any outlet. Speed on Molvania’s only autobahn is technically unlimited, although the numerous pot-holes and stretches of unsurfaced road make anything over 70kmh unlikely, if not hazardous. The blood alcohol limit is .12 (.15 on weekends), but drivers should not be unduly perturbed as results from the Traffic Police’s Russian-made breath-testing units are inadmissible in a court of law.

  Life in the transit lane! This Molvanian worker heads off early for another day at the Stock Exchange.

  Taxi Lutenblagian taxi drivers have unfortunately developed a reputation for dishonesty which, coupled with a lack of commitment in the personal hygiene department, has led to fewer people taking cabs around the city. Common sense is the key here – simply insist that the driver switches on his meter at the start of any trip and always be on the look-out for signs you may be taking the long way round, such as one reading ‘German Border – 20kms’.

  Train The rail system around Lutenblag is cheap and efficient, although visitors can find it a little on the complicated side. There are basically four types of train, although one no longer runs, which leaves three: Express (EzprezzFast (Rapijd) and Passenger (Commutken). Reservations are compulsory on all Express trains and Fast Trains except Intercity Fast Trains for which you can purchase a ticket on board provided the trip is outbound and not taking place during a public holiday. Passenger trains have no reserved seating in first-class and no seating at all in third-class unless you count the roof. Most rail and bus companies will offer a discount to passengers with disabilities, however, a recent court ruling has declared that being drunk is no longer a recognized handicap. Senior citizen discounts (20%) also apply to all passengers over 90, however ID may be required.

  Bicycle An English-language brochure entitled ‘Seeing the City by Bike’ is available from most bookstores as well as the casualty ward of the Lutenblag Public Hospital.

  WHERE TO STAY

  Lutenblag offers a wide range of accommodation options, the best of which are listed below. Prices are cheap by European standards and if you look around it’s possible to find lodgings for under 100 per night. Of course, these will be pretty basic and travellers wanting a few more creature comforts should be looking to pay 200–260 per night; at this level you can expect all the usual features such as private bathrooms, TV, air-conditioning and spittoons.

  $$$ Accommodation Luxury

  At the top end you can’t go past the Rojal Palatz Hotjl which, as its name suggests, is built directly opposite a particle board factory. ‘The Palace’ is generally regarded as one of the finest hotels in Molvania, combining modern service and facilities with olde worlde charm and plumbing. Rooms here are luxurious, to say the least, with full continental breakfast (i.e. a bread roll and orange lemonade) included in the tariff. Prices are understandably high, although you will save by booking a room during the winter off-season when the hotel is closed.

  192 Sv Nazjonal

  19 1196

  19 1197

  [email protected]

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  The extensively refurbished Art Nouveau mansion U Tri Hradjna was recently voted ‘Most Beautiful Hotel’ by the readers of Vision Euro magazine, a quarterly publication catering for the visually impaired traveller. Though the rooms are a little on the small side, clever design features such as fold-down beds and a combined fax machine/trouser press mean there’s still plenty of space to move.

  233 Sv Nazjonal

  12 2531

  12 2555

  [email protected]

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  Note: The complimentary chocolates left on your pillow are purely decorative. If accidentally swallowed immediately contact the Lutenblag Poisons Hotline on 03-77633310.

  Those seeking something a little more ‘chic’ might try the luxurious Trybekka, a newly-renovated boutique hotel that is modern, stylish and so minimalist that they’ve even done away with fire escapes. The ‘Tryb’ is one of the few gay-friendly hotels in Molvania and same-sex couples should have no trouble getting a room, provided it’s not shared.

  Av Busjbusj

  10 5836

  10 5835

  [email protected]

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  $$ Accommodation Mid-Range

  Pensjon Zegmar is a cosy boarding house in a quiet residential haven close to the Museum, which makes a nice alternative to the big chain hotels. Some rooms afford stunning views out over the Old City; unfortunately these are reserved for staff only.

  Note: The owners are reasonably friendly and speak English, but may charge for this.

  22 Av Busjbusj

  14 3805

  14 3806

  [email protected]

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  The entrance to this stately, brick residence is all about muted style and comfort. In the lobby of Jze Petra a grand piano player greets guests with Molvanian show-tunes while discretely armed security guards move about keeping gypsy beggars at bay. The Petra is big on historical ambience (Emperor Vladzjic III’s son Rzemec is said to have used the toilets here in 1856) and numerous antiques are on display including paintings, sculptures and the hotel’s computer reservation system.

  47 Sv Maj 1

  19 6097

  19 6098

  [email protected]

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  Known for its 24-hour casino and popular discotheque, Zizjkov has long been popular with visiting rock stars and EU officials. The hotel has spacious, well-appointed rooms all with private bathroom and bar facilities.

  Note: Two rooms are set aside for travellers with disabilities – though, strangely, these are in an attic reached only by several sets of stairs and a ladder.

  52 Sv Maj 1

  17 1884

  17 1885

  [email protected]

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  Situated across from the railway station in a rather rundown section of Lutenblag, Hotjl Oljanka has developed a somewhat seedy reputation as a meeting place for criminals and shady characters. However, the oftexpressed fears about room security are much exaggerated and with the fitting of time-delay door locks, grille mesh windows and metal detectors in the lobby there hasn’t been a kidnap or serious assault here since 1999.

  72 Sv Androk

  13 1636

  13 1639

  [email protected]

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  Another good mid-range accommodation option is the many private rooms available in Lutenblag. For as little as 50 you can share a flat with an invalid pensioner or local resident serving a home detention sentence.

  $ Accommodation Budget

  Lutenblag is a backpackers’ delight with numerous hostels and pensiones offering budget-priced rooms. The Diagzop Hostjl oppo
site the railway station is popular, despite the sometimes surly attitude of its heavily tattooed staff. Dorm beds in rather crowded rooms can be found here for as little as 25.

  Note: There are no shower or bath facilities but you will find a discount car wash across the road.

  73 Sv Androk

  14 7791

  14 7792

  [email protected]

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  Another equally cheap hostel is the Majkvic Jverzte, which is located in a peaceful neighbourhood, well away from traffic, noise and crowds. On the downside, it’s a three-hour bus ride to the city outskirts – but at least the rooms are neat and regularly fumigated. Facilities are understandably basic with shared bathrooms and dormitory-style bunks. During the low-season there’s also a 10% discount for students, although this status must be proved with an official ID card or some form of body-piercing.

  14 Sv Jabba

  19 7828

  [email protected]

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  Philippe writes…

  “ After years of travel I’ve learnt a simple fact: you are never going to meet anyone truly interesting in a five-star hotel. To really experience a country you have to be cold, uncomfortable and woken at dawn by the sound of a local artisan clearing his throat and expectorating. You can keep your clean white sheets and air-conditioned lobbies – give me the unserviced cellar of alocal pensione any time. ”

  P.M.

  Guests staying at Hotjl Oljanka are picked up in the hotel’s own courtesy truck.

  HEALTH ALERT

  BEDBUGS CAN OFTEN BE FOUND IN MOLVANIA’S CHEAPER HOTELS BUT ARE LESS LIKELY TO BE A PROBLEM AT HIGHER PRICED ESTABLISHMENTS WHERE CIGAR SMOKE NATURALLY FUMIGATES THE ROOMS.

  WHERE TO EAT

  Lutenblag’s dining scene is vibrant and ever changing, with new establishments opening every month or so and older ones regularly being closed down by sanitation inspectors. Sadly, some restaurants, particularly the tourist-oriented ones, often fall into the habit of ‘embellishing’ tourists’ bills. Authorities have cracked down on this practice but many unscrupulous operators still exist and it pays to closely check the various added ‘cover charges’ before paying. Typical entries include ‘service provision’ (having a waiter), ‘additional napery realignment’ (folding your serviette), ‘incendiary supplementation’ (candles on the table) and, in one inner-city bistro, a departure tax of 12%.

  Of course, the further you get out of town, the more limited your dining options, and often the only place to eat will be a tavernja (traditional tavern). In these establishments cutlery is often not available and food should be eaten with the right hand (never the left, which is reserved for washing and greeting members of the royal family).

  We Were Wrong!

  The publishers wish to make it clear that Lutenblag’s Jhahmim Restaurant features Lebanese food and dancing, and not –as our previous edition described –lesbian food and dancing. We apologise for the error. However, on a positive note, the proprietors of Jhahmim inform us they are booked out for the next three years.

  Folk musicians are often used by Molvanian restaurateurs as a means of encouraging diners to leave at the end of a meal.

  $$$ Dining Luxury

  The wrought-iron tables, vaulted ceilings and crisp white tablecloths of Zvermej Kval make this exclusive eatery the ideal place to enjoy a sophisticated meal. Why then the owners decided to turn the establishment into a karaoke bar remains a mystery, but it doesn’t seem to have deterred the many eager patrons who flock here each night to eat, drink and drone.

  131 Sv Nazjonal

  19 0245

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  Romjaci is a cozy, elegant wine bar and restaurant that serves excellent food in a stylish setting. The menu has something for everyone – provided you like pork – and the service is good, if a little slow. Special touches include a popular outdoor garden (often closed due to wasps), a complimentary red rose for all female diners and a 5L carafe of house wine for the men.

  5 Sv Nazjonal

  17 3865

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  Those seeking a slightly more lively dining experience should book a table at Alic’s Kabaret, one of Lutenblag’s most popular and entertaining dinner theatre restaurants. Flamboyant owner and chef Alic is something of a showman and inclined to get diners involved with his cooking by tossing eggs, twirling plates and spinning all manner of utensils past their ears. Don’t even think about refusing to take part, because not only is Alic very persuasive, he has quite a temper.

  Note: Bookings are essential, as is protective clothing and headwear.

  140 Sv Nazjonal

  17 3199

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  Foodies searching for the ultimate ‘upmarket’ place to eat in Lutenblag might care to visit the famous Revolving Restaurant (Gastrodizzi) where diners can sample fine food whilst enjoying a panoramic view of the city. Due to intermittent power supply the restaurant itself does tend to revolve rather slowly (a full rotation can take up to six months), but the stunning vistas from three floors up make the wait truly worthwhile.

  140 Sv Maj 1

  12 4656

  [email protected]

  Traveller’s Tip

  Many restaurants and hotels in Lutenblag are described as ‘smoke-free’, meaning that patrons are free to smoke throughout the premises.

  $$ Dining Mid-Range

  Bright and spacious, Kaça Napoljtana is a buzzing pizzeria that serves up good meals along with salads and large carafes of house wine. It can get quite loud when full, as can the chef.

  152 Sv Nazjonal

  14 7593

  The American-owned, Japanese food servery The Sushi Train has branches all over the world. Sadly, its Lutenblag operation was forced to shut a while back after a mechanical fault saw one diner lose several fingers reaching for a nori roll. Following an out-of-court settlement, The Sushi Train is now open for business again, but don’t expect completely authentic Japanese food; most of it is deep fried, even the sashimi.

  74 Sv Androk

  19 5738

  Despite its out-of-the-way location, Nenja Olgja’s (‘Aunty Olga’s’) is a perennial favourite among those looking for genuine country cooking. Built like an old style tavernja, Olgas resembles a typical Molvanian kitchen: chains of garlic dangle from the low wooden ceiling above tables set with stained red-and-white gingham cloths, while in the corner several chain-smoking old men will be getting violently drunk. The meals here are typically rustic: goose liver in paprika sauce, black pudding with cabbage and creamed lambs’ brains, sausage-in-a-pot and, of course, entrail soup (a Molvanian standard from the days when Stalin tried to starve the population).

  Note: Many cab drivers will refuse to pick up diners after a meal at Olgja’s due to the high incidence of passengers vomiting inside the vehicle.

  Ul Hoxha

  11 6499

  The Lutenblag Tavern offers traditional folk-dancing performances. Dinner & Show –50. Dinner only –75.

  $ Dining Budget

  Kisjipja is run by a married couple (if the arguments from within the kitchen are anything to go by) and specializes in light meals served at cafe-style tables. Keep an eye out for the specials board featuring interesting salads and the chef’s ‘Fish of the Month’. During summer, diners can eat outdoors at picnic-style tables in the large courtyard garden.

  Note: Bring a can of insect repellent, which will not only keep the mosquitoes away, but can also be sprayed onto your food to improve the taste.

  129 Av Busjbusj

  15 4729

  Yes, the ubiquitous American burger bar McDonalds has infiltrated Molvania, although, it should be said, not without a fight from local restaurateurs who fought long and hard against the arrival of this fast food establishment, fearful that its combination of high-fat, sugar-laden food served in a sterile, soulless environment would drive standards up.

  75 Av Busjbusj

  12 9038

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  Bi
stroj Vjo Dzar is a 24-hour cafe not far from the railway station. The food is cheap, if a little bland, and the waiters can’t be faulted as they’re armed. Their thick soups are good value and the bottomless cups of coffee are a further drawcard, especially for members of Lutenblag’s homeless community, several of whom took up the offer in 2001 and have been occupying the same table ever since.

  78 Sv Androk

  15 5328

  Conveniently located not far from Lutenblag University, Sadjevcis cafe caters for the city’s academics and intelligentsia and, as a consequence, is generally empty.

  13 Sv Maj 1

  19 3470

  Lutenblag market remains one of the best places to pick up bargain-priced carp in all of Central Europe.

  ENTERTAINMENT

  CLASSICAL MUSIC

  You should pay at least one visit to the Lutenblag Concert Hall (konkerthausj to hear some music and enjoy the ambience of this unique building. In 1946 Molvania’s most respected architect Petjka Schovjen was given the job of designing a venue that would embody the city’s rich cultural heritage. His controversial tee-pee structure was finished in August 1948 and, while it successfully reflected his passion for the American Indian culture, it failed to reflect certain principles of tensile strength in metals, and collapsed two months later during a mild storm. It was extensively re-modelled in the 1950s and is now home to the Lutenblag Symphony Orchestra, who give regular recitals. Works from the National Opera of Molvania are also performed here, but less frequently due to their complexity, length and lack of recognisable melodic form. Most works also require the use of up to a dozen Molvanian bashken horns that, whilst extraordinary in mountain valleys, are considered a hearing hazard in closed spaces.

  FOLK & TRADITIONAL PERFORMANCE

  Many venues cater for folk music and the Kzamailkia Cultural House (Jignstumpf) also presents traditional Molvanian puppet shows each evening at 7pm. These highly-stylised wooden marionettes are used to reenact simple morality tales – except on Saturdays when an 11pm late show features an adults-only performance.

  PUBS & CLUBS