Molvania Read online

  6 Sv B.Manilow

  82 0024

  We Were Wrong!

  We have recently been informed that our previous edition’s advice about belching loudly and breaking wind at the end of a meal in western Molvania as a means of showing appreciation is apparently not accurate. The contributor responsible has been sacked.

  HIGHLIGHTS – IN TOWN

  The Old City of Sasava is not large and if you get an early start you can complete a leisurely walking tour of all its highlights in a day, allowing plenty of time for meals and getting mugged.

  Note that beggars are a major problem in the city and as a rule they should be avoided; many of their skin diseases are exacerbated for the benefit of gullible tourists and handing over money only encourages them to lose further limbs.

  From the centre of town take a 10-minute stroll to the Muszm Antjkq (‘Old Museum’). Follow the Sv. Etxuc past the gardens and turn left at the cathedral. Inside the museum you will find a wide range of exhibits including an agricultural display featuring advances in Sasavan slaughtering techniques over the years. Admission is free, but there is a small charge for leaving.

  The Badjazcev is a large villa built as a holiday residence for one of Sasava’s wealthiest families, the Czroyjes, who made their fortune in gold. A more recent move into Internet publishing saw much of this wealth eroded and the now crumbling facade and cracked roof of this massive residence clearly hints at better times long past. Further concerns over rising damp and asbestos forced the Czroyjes family to finally abandon Badjazcev as a residence in 2001 and it is now used as an old-age accommodation facility.

  The Crkja Kirczula is a beautifully preserved baptismal chapel of great architectural significance. A cross-shaped baptismal font stands in the centre decorated with a bronze figure of John the Baptist, the only known representation of this holy figure trimming his beard.

  A typical Sasavan building, featuring its distinctive brown brick and bullet-hole facade.

  The Ponj Vredjico (Frederick’s Bridge) spans the old canal above Sasava and was designed in 1895 by Grior Bzeulka, a brilliant Czech architect who came to the attention of city officials when he pioneered a new and far cheaper style of construction that did away with massive buttresses in favour of a delicate interlocking lattice structure. By having city officials send him traffic numbers he was able to carefully calculate the maximum weight of vehicle, foot and livestock traffic and arrive at a version that used half the materials of conventional designs. Unfortunately, he failed to account for the average weight of Molvanian women and the bridge collapsed soon after completion when two milk maids attempted to cross. The Ponj Vredjico has subsequently been re-built but it is closed to all vehicular traffic and pedestrians over the age of 12.

  The picturesque Ponj Vredjico.

  Directly opposite the chapel is a beautiful Baroque villa surrounded by imposing stone walls dating from the 13th century. It’s actually a convent, run by Molvania’s own Little Sisters of the Poor, as you will see from the sign on the gate reading Zzermcej Ur Barjez (‘Beggars Will Be Prosecuted’).

  A Tale of Two Bears...

  The woods surrounding Sasava are one of the last places in the country where visitors might expect to catch a glimpse of the Molvanian brown bear. One of the friendliest bears in the world, and highly sought-after by shooters, these gentle giants have been hunted almost to extinction. Recently the government introduced a ‘closed season’, making it illegal to shoot any bear on a Sunday, but this has failed to fully redress the problem. Of more hope is a breeding program being run at the Sasava zoo that has already seen several young bears born in captivity. It is hoped that within a few years these beautiful creatures will be old enough to be released back into the wild so that future generations may have the opportunity to shoot them.

  HIGHLIGHTS – OUT OF TOWN

  For all the attractions of its city, Sasava also provides an ideal gateway to some stunning countryside and a trip out of town is well worth the effort. Just make sure to wear good walking shoes and remember that ticks can be quite a problem in outlying areas of Sasava. If a bite becomes infected the sufferer may experience fever, headache, extreme fatigue and neck stiffness, which are – coincidentally – also the symptoms of a night listening to the Sasava Symphony Orchestra.

  About 30km south of Sasava in the Cherzjov Forest you’ll find a magnificent 17th century hunting lodge. It was here that members of the Molvanian Royal Family used to holiday and inside there’s a large collection of stuffed animals – rather macabre monuments to the Archduke of Molvania’s obsession with hunting. The lodge is now open to the public who, for a small price, can also stay here and blast away at a range of specially bred animal targets.

  Everywhere you travel around the outskirts of Sasava you will see grape vines as this is one of the biggest wine-producing regions in Molvania. The most commonly grown grape variety is the plavec, a small dark fruit with enormous pips unique to the area. Wine made from these grapes is often used for sacramental purposes and as a major ingredient in poultry food pellets. Those interested in tasting a glass or two may do so at vineyards such as Tleojczeks. This is a family-run affair and visitors are welcome to sample their produce at a small cost. The place can get pretty busy on weekends with scores of visitors lined up at the wooden bar, quaffing mouthfuls of wine and then spitting it out into a large, centrally-placed spittoon. For those on a tight budget it is possible to wait outside and sample the contents of the spittoon for a slightly reduced cost. Bottles can also be purchased, though be aware that plavec wine has a slightly higher-than-usual alcohol content (47%) and is best left to breathe after opening, preferably for about six months.

  The hills of Cherzjov Forest make an ideal place to enjoy a picnic, undisturbed by large numbers of people or trees.

  SJEREZO

  Once considered the capital of Molvania’s ‘wild west’, the bustling city of Sjerezo has long since shed its image as a rough, brawling industrial town. No doubt the imposition of martial law in 1998 has helped speed this process up, and these days visitors who make the effort to cross the bleak tundra surrounding this western frontier city will find a huge range of attractions to enjoy.

  Without doubt the best known of these would have to be the recently reopened East Euro-Disney Theme Park, which remains a popular drawcard despite negative publicity involving last year’s roller-coaster derailment and subsequent inferno.

  Sjerezo is also famous as permanent host city of the glamorous Miss Molvania beauty pageant in which the country’s most stunning young ladies parade before the judges on a specially reinforced stage in a range of dress categories, including evening gowns, swimwear, peasant costumes and – a recently added category – nurses’ uniforms.

  Sjerezo’s East Euro-Disney Theme Park continues to draw visitors with its high tech rides and cosmopolitan atmosphere.

  But for all its modernity, the past is very important to Sjerezo. Nowhere is history better celebrated than at the famous Ethnographic Open Air Museum, where the local Historical Re-enactment Society brings to life many of the great battles fought in this city with a real eye to detail that can only come from a combination of authentic uniforms and live ammunition.

  Sjerezo’s magnificent Old Town is among the most extensive in Europe, occupying a total of 240 hectares. Among the highlights is a structure believed to be the oldest working public lavatory in Molvania. Built from stone, it was constructed in 1329 – coincidentally the year it was last cleaned.

  HISTORY

  The village of Sjerezo first came to prominence in the 9th century when the disgraced Bishop of Lutenblag, Karzj Wenlecze, was caught in a compromising position with a parishioner’s mule and, as punishment, exiled to this western outpost for the term of his unnatural life. Bishop Wenlecze immediately set about attempting to unify and protect the town. Fearing attack from Turkish invaders, he commissioned his best artisans to build a massive wall around the entire city, 25m high and 6m thick. This task was so
on completed, but for some reason they forgot to put in a gate and the residents of Sjerezo were cut off from the rest of Molvania for almost a year before a small entrance (known by locals as the ‘katflaap’) could be carved out.

  Try This One On For Size!

  The father of Molvanian haute couture, Haut Ketur Sr. (1911–1967), was without doubt his country’s most distinguished fashion designer. Obsessed with high collars, robust belts and heavy fabrics, he is credited with inventing the straight-jacket.

  During the 14th century Sjerezo came to be known as a spa town, with thousands of travellers coming from all over the country to take of its healing waters. These days Sjerezo still boasts some 140 mineral springs. Most of these are used for treating diseases of the kidneys and respiratory tracts, although one, currently the subject of scientific investigation, is claimed to increase the size of the male genitals. It is currently booked out until the winter of 2012.

  The 20th century was a turbulent time for Sjerezo. After World War II its government was faced with massive unemployment, hyper-inflation and growing breadlines. In 1982 a new governor, Claujz Vernkiz, (right) was elected as head of the DPP (Democratic People’s Party). His first move was to cancel all future elections and declare himself supreme leader, a position he has held with often ruthless determination ever since.

  Governor Claujz Vernkiz (Photo courtesy CIA)

  Water Watch

  Due to several years of below average rainfall the entire city of Sjerezo is in the middle of severe water restrictions. At the time of writing, residents were prohibited between 9am and 5pm from watering their gardens, washing cars or drowning unwanted domestic pets. Even the local police are banned from using water cannons to break up public protest meetings, having to rely instead on tear-gas and rubber bullets.

  SHOPPING

  Sjerezo is famous for its fashion industry and throughout the Old Town you can visit small, dimly-lit workshops where talented local tailors ply their trade. Of course, many visitors are often disturbed by the sight of young children employed in these factories, but bear in mind that Molvanians have a different definition of when a person can legally be classified as an adult. It is generally accepted by most parents that after the age of nine their offspring cease to be a ‘child’ and officially become an asset.

  HOW TO GET THERE

  Given the large distances and poor state of the roads, driving to Sjerezo is not generally advisable unless you have rally car racing experience and a working GPS. Many visitors choose to arrive by plane and there is a regular service to Anton Jchuvski Airport – named after Sjerezo’s highly-decorated World War I ace (1897–1922) who single-handedly shot down 18 planes, six of them belonging to the enemy. A reminder for inbound passengers: domestic flights land at Terminal B, international flights at C or E. Transit passengers can take a bus from Terminal A or D, depending on where their flight originated from. Terminal B is reserved for those travelling with livestock.

  HOW TO GET AROUND

  Sjerezo has a well-developed transport system involving trams, trollejbuses, trains and light rail. Due to a bureaucratic oversight, however, these various modes of public transport all cover the same short section of road, leaving most other parts of the city largely unserviced.

  Trams are probably your best bet for getting around and tickets can be bought on board from the konduktor who, incidentally, is also authorized to sign statutory declarations and officiate at weddings. The best way to see the Old Town is on foot, preferably your own, although there are beggars based at the railway station who offer a piggyback service. This is a charming local custom and the stamina of these emaciated vagrants is nothing short of amazing.

  A cyclist enjoys a pleasant afternoon ride along Sjerezo’s de-militarized zone.

  WHERE TO STAY

  Despite being a little off the regular tourist track, Sjerezo still has plenty to offer in the way of accommodation. In the heart of the Old Town you’ll find luxurious, if somewhat faded, establishments dating back to by-gone centuries, whilst the surrounding suburbs have plenty of cheap, clean, comfortable hotels provided you’re not looking for all three at once. Meanwhile, in outlying rural areas you can spend the night in rustic farm-style lodgings that completely belie their origins as decommissioned Soviet gulags. Guests staying in the centre of Sjerezo’s Old Town should be aware that the area opposite the Post Office is a popular hang-out for drug dealers, prostitutes and transsexuals, and is best avoided, or visited, depending on your inclination.

  $$$ Accommodation Luxury

  At the top end it’s hard to go past Vjakm Palatz, the oldest and most luxurious hotel in Sjerezo. Rooms at the palace are large with sweeping views and private facilities. Some of the suites boast fireplaces and plans are under-way to install chimneys in the near future.

  54 Av Molvanja

  36 5747

  36 5748

  [email protected]

  70DC, V

  Another historic building now serving as a hotel is the Kostol Vjardi. The rooms here are spacious with high ceilings and many of the staff are friendly, whilst others speak English but, sadly, not both. One feature of this hotel is that they offer a babysitter service for just 70 per hour.

  Note: All their nannies are trained in first aid and hand-to-hand combat.

  36 Av Busjbusj

  34 8484

  34 8485

  [email protected]

  70

  DC,MC,V

  One final Sjerezo institution – quite literally, as it used to be a psychiatric hospital – is the Hotjl Lunatik across from the city square. Extensively renovated in the 1980s this centrally-located establishment even has an underground car park which, during particularly wet winters, doubles as an indoor pool.

  Note: The complimentary fruit bowl in each room is purely decorative and should not under any circumstances be eaten.

  12 Av Molvanja

  32 3976

  32 3976

  [email protected]

  70

  DC, MC, V

  THE $$ Accommodation Mid-Range

  Pejzuca is a bright, comfortable hotel located within easy walking distance of the Old Town. The rooms are clean, if a little on the spartan side, and a full breakfast is included in the cost – although it is only served between 5.30am and 6am.

  87 Sv Napoleon III

  37 0870

  37 0871

  [email protected]

  30MC, V

  Hotjl Brovcjic Dreb is a drab concrete building some 15km from the city centre, which is at least close to the airport – a fact disturbingly highlighted in November 2001 when a Ukrainian cargo plane on final approach clipped the penthouse roof.

  20 Ul Pokzi

  36 4395

  36 4396

  [email protected]

  23DC, MC

  We Were Wrong!

  In a previous edition Sjerezo’s Hotjl Jakvekz was mistakenly described in this section as ‘appealing’. It is, in fact, ‘appalling’.

  $ Accommodation Budget

  Hotjl Vcejlav – formerly the Stock Exchange, and before that a piggery – is a small, family-run inn offering moderate-size rooms at a budget price. Despite the low rates all rooms have TV, although the only one that works would appear to be in the manager’s office where it is permanently tuned to loud and surprisingly aggressive game shows.

  34 Sv Elzerezka

  35 5747

  [email protected]

  12

  A short bus ride east from the city centre will take you to the Pensjon Prazakuv. From the outside this unassuming hotel looks like a seedy, dilapidated relic desperately in need of a clean. It is.

  142 Sv Unjverstad

  30 3974

  [email protected]

  4DC, MC

  Health department raids and a spate of fires have somewhat reduced the number of youth hostels still operating in Sjerezo, but one of the oldest can be found a few kilometres west of the city. The Pensjon Beddbugg is popular with backpacker
s and students, and offers large, semi-ventilated dormitories, shared bathrooms and syringe disposal facilities.

  97 Sv Nikitchka

  31 9023

  31 9024

  [email protected]

  90

  DC, MC

  WHERE TO EAT

  For the past decade or so Sjerezo restaurants have developed something of a reputation as tourist traps where unsuspecting visitors would be presented with all sorts of hidden charges and fees at the end of a meal. Fortunately, the most seriously unscrupulous operators have been forced out of the restaurant trade and into local government. It still pays to carefully check the bill and query items such as elejtrij chaj (‘15% electric lighting surcharge’).

  $$$ Dining Luxury

  The elegant Fakjrezic restaurant is regarded as one of Sjerezo’s most upmarket eateries, featuring, as it does, linen tablecloths and indoor toilets. Naturally it’s popular with diplomats and local politicians who are attracted by the discrete atmosphere and lingerie-clad waitresses.

  34 Av Molvanja

  39 4023

  DC, MC, V

  Magzicj is situated atop Sjerezo Hill. A favourite of visiting dignitaries and Russian mafia figures (which in Sjerezo is often the same thing), this classic restaurant offers excellent views of the Old City for those lucky enough to have window seats and a set of binoculars. The service is good and the menu features a wide range of traditional (deep-fried) and modern (fried) dishes, as well as the usual variety of rich, cream-filled cakes for dessert, all served with seasonal fruit (pan-fried).

  64 Sv Napoleon III

  33 3856

  DC, MC, V

  Vorgzjen Marj is a fetching neoclassical building from the 19th century, with dark, high-back benches in the front and cosy elegant sofas and chairs upstairs, making it the perfect place to settle back and enjoy a sumptuous feast. Unfortunately, you can’t because it’s a furniture shop. There is, however, a soup kitchen next door that does a good broth.

  12 Av Molvanja

  39 4557

  $$ Dining Mid-Range

  The best way to sample authentic Sjerezo-style cuisine is by visiting a tavernja such as the bustling Mdejazcic, just off the city’s main square. Here you can feast on such local delicacies as jgormzca (meat roasted on a spit) and nzemji (meat roasted in spit). A gypsy band plays each evening from 7pm until whenever local authorities manage to move them on.