Molvania Read online

  The Church of the Blessed Holy Sisters of the Discalced Flower of the Immaculate Virgin Incarnate

  is a pretty Baroque chapel, which can be a little hard to find as all signs bearing its name have long ago collapsed under the weight of their own letters. In a separate room attached to the back of the church is a large Gothic fresco depicting semi-naked sinners writhing in a pit of flames. It was originally thought by art historians to be a Caravaggio but, upon further examination, turned out to be an advertisement for a local discotheque.

  Heaven Scent!

  Many visitors to Dzrebo will be interested in taking a tour of the large Vcekjben-Dyir cosmetics factory in the city’s south-east. ‘V-D’, as this company is commonly known, makes a wide range of perfumes, deodorants and industrial-strength depilatory creams that are sold throughout Molvania. The Dzrebo-based pharmaceutical giant proudly boasts that none of its products have been tested on animals; however, recent allegations regarding the involvement of gypsy labourers in the ‘research and development’ phase of production have largely gone unanswered.

  Another Dzrebo landmark, the city’s famous mechanical clock (right), was built in 1746 and every hour visitors would gather below to watch as its mechanical figures would appear and ‘dance’ to announce the time. These popular shows ended abruptly in 1993 when the scythe belonging to Father Time became jammed in Mother Nature’s bodice, sparking an electrical fire that fused the two figurines in a pose deemed unsuitable for children.

  The changing of the guard ceremony remains a moving spectacle despite budgetry cut-backs forcing many soldiers to march in streetwear.

  No visit to Dzrebo would be complete without a stop at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. Built as a memorial after World War I, the tomb contains the body of a Molvanian soldier shot whilst deserting the front line. Each Sunday at noon there is a ceremonial changing of the guard during which the officers on duty will goose-step out of view, change clothes and then shave before returning to stand guard. Above the tomb, flanked by Molvania’s national flags, an eternal flame burns (Tues–Sat).

  * Locals proudly insist that the 30 pieces of silver given to Judas actually came from Dzrebo.

  This biblical link is celebrated each year on 25 April (St Traitor’s Day).

  THE WESTERN PLATEAU

  [Vesternplat]

  THE REGION

  Tourists tend to be a little wary of western Molvania, perceiving it as little more than an arc of polluted factory towns full of high-rise tenement housing and even higher crime rates. They are, of course, right. But the west of Molvania is also something of a paradox: much of it was despoiled by 40 years of rampant post-war industrialization, but here and there you can still find areas of great natural beauty that were only ruined a few years ago. Certainly, much of the region is windswept, barren, cold, isolated and completely lacking in visual charm, but on the upside, it’s relatively untouched by tourism.

  The Western Plateau contains one of the world’s largest wetland reserves covering more than 2000 sq km. These swamps are home to over 300 species of migratory birds, 800 plant families and the Molvanian Boy Scout movement who regularly travel here to test their outdoor skills on some of the lowest lying camping grounds in Eastern Europe. The best time to experience the wetlands is late May, right after the mosquitoes have been aerially sprayed and before the leeches are fully active.

  Of course, for sheer history it’s hard to go past the capital of the west Sasava, a city that has often been compared to Paris, not so much for its culture or architecture but the fact it’s crowded and covered in dog droppings.

  Further south you’ll find the bustling metropolis of Sjerezo, which celebrates its 700th anniversary in 2005. The slogan for the celebrations is ‘Sjerezo – Let’s Start Over Again’ and a number of events are planned including open-air concerts, fireworks displays and a smallpox eradication program.

  In the middle of a massive volcanic plain to the north of the wetlands region you’ll find the crystal-clear waters of Lake Vjaza. No visit to this scenic waterfront locale is complete without an early morning trip to the bustling fish markets where, every Monday at dawn, local fishermen bring their haul. Why the fish market itself doesn’t open until Thursday remains a bureaucratic puzzle, but thanks to modern refrigeration much of the catch is still edible.

  Outside the cities and lake district the rural landscape of the Western Plateau offers much for the visitor prepared to travel ‘off the beaten track’. It is here, in small villages, where tradition lives on, in folk dancing, colourful pottery and the highly popular, if somewhat barbaric, spectacle of rat-fighting.

  Traveller’s Tip

  In the west of Molvania, when visiting someone at home the polite thing to say on entering the house is Drubzko vlob attrizzo. When visiting someone’s place of work, Klawzitz vlob attrizo is used. Both expressions literally mean ‘Don’t shoot’.

  SASAVA

  Once a sleepy farming village, the modern city of Sasava has little to show for its agricultural roots apart from a large knackery and tallow plant still operating on the northern outskirts. These days Sasava is an industrial and manufacturing centre, producing 30% of the country’s automotive equipment and generating 73% of its greenhouse gas emissions. Other exports include locally produced handicrafts and human body parts.

  The city may be divided roughly into three areas, each of which can comfortably be covered on foot except for the third, which is an open-cut mine. Without doubt the most picturesque section is the Old City, with its winding cobblestone streets and quaint, crumbling villas, many dating back to the 1980s. This part of town is closed to private cars but the bumper-to-bumper queues of tour buses, tractors, commercial vans and articulated lorries more than fill the gap.

  A marvel of modern architecture, the Leaning Tower of Sasava was built entirely without foundations. Scientists estimate the structure leans an extra centimetre to the right every time someone slams the lobby door.

  Sasava residents are known for their hospitality and love talking to foreigners, although their unusual local dialect can be a challenge, even for those fluent in Molvanian. It is extremely guttural and features one of the most heavily aspirated ‘h’s’ in linguistic history. Add to this, strange syntactical variations that mean simple expressions like en vzec e drivc (‘good luck’) are rendered by Sasavans as vcerc ze ir czejew (‘may your children be fat until their death’). That said, don’t be afraid to interact with the locals as you can convey a lot of information with a smile, a nod or a wallet full of strubls

  HISTORY

  Sasava has suffered many ravages in the course of its long history. It was totally destroyed by the Mongols in 1241 and nearly destroyed again by Slovakian soccer fans during the 1995 Euro-Balk Championship. Much of its wealth has come from gold mining and evidence of this heritage can be seen in the ornate architecture and opulent interiors of most people’s mouths. A few mines continue to operate, including the massive Tzdorvel pit on the city’s southern outskirts. Tzdorvel made headlines around the world a few years back when a group of miners was trapped, along with several hundred kilograms of gold, deep beneath the ground. The Molvanian Government launched an immediate inquiry that concluded a few weeks later that they would have been better off launching an immediate rescue effort. This rescue effort (later the subject of a TV mini-series) was then successfully mounted and the gold was safely brought to the surface. Unfortunately, the miners died.

  It’s 1947, and one of Sasava’s most famous innovators, B.V. Gyzcezcbi, demonstrates his latest invention, the ashtray.

  Capital Idea, Bu-Bu!

  As the proud residents of Sasava will tell you, for a short period this city occupied a central place in Molvanian political life. The year was 1931 and Prime Minister Busjbusj – ever the statesman – decided to shift the capital from Lutenblag to Sasava in order to establish greater control over the provinces and allow him to be closer to his mother.

  Bu-Bu’s mother, Sterna Busjbusj.
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br />   HOW TO GET THERE

  Most people get to Sasava by train or by accident. There is also a private bus service from Lutenblag that runs twice-weekly, although one reader advised us that the journey involved numerous unscheduled stops at shops and cafes owned by relatives of the driver. For those preferring to come by plane, there is a busy regional airport in Sasava open to charter flights, but pilots are reminded not to attempt a landing between noon and 2pm as the control tower closes for lunch.

  HOW TO GET AROUND

  Sasava is not an easy city to get around, despite a range of public transport options. The fact is, vandals and hooligans have frightened many commuters away from trains and trollejbuses, a trend only partially reversed by the Sasava Transport Police Department’s recently implemented shoot-to-kill policy. For the time being it’s probably best to steer clear of public transport and take an armoured cab.

  Sasava’s main railway station was deliberately built without a platform in order to give commuters the opportunity to look up each other’s dresses.

  On This Day...

  In June 1987 Sasava became the first city in Molvania to move its overhead electrical cables underground, a municipal initiative that not only beautified the town but simultaneously eliminated its mole and rabbit population.

  Sasava’s gold mining heritage is ever present.

  WHERE TO STAY

  Hotels throughout Sasava are generally clean and smartly furnished with a good range to suit most budgets. Naturally you’ll pay more at the top end for extras like air-conditioning or smoke-detectors but most places have off-season rates so it’s worth asking. Many of Sasava’s hotels also offer discounts for seniors, but in the absence of ID you should be prepared for quite a thorough medical examination.

  $$$ Accommodation Luxury

  When the imposing six-storey chateau Sucjevita opened in 1996, Sasava did not have a single high-quality hotel. It still does not.

  76 Av Busjbusj

  86 3658

  60 DC,MC

  Comfortable Cernzy Mejed is not hard to find. Just head to the main square and look for a palatial red brick villa surrounded by lush gardens; Cernzy Mejed is the concrete apartment block in the laneway directly behind it. The rooms here are basic but clean and the staff all speak English – yet, strangely, appear not to understand it.

  11 Sv B.Manilow

  85 3658

  85 3655

  [email protected]

  50

  DC,MC,V

  If it’s opulence you’re after, book a room at the beautifully restored Sasava Palatz Hotjl, right in the heart of the Old City. Suites here are quite palatial and everything is a genuine antique, from the vintage furniture and prints right down to the complimentary chocolate left on your pillow.

  43 Av Busjbusj

  86 2384

  86 2385

  [email protected]

  45

  DC, MC

  $$$ Accommodation Mid-Range

  Slavjia is a good mid-range alternative despite the inconvenience of being almost 4km from the city centre. And what you lack in proximity to downtown attractions you more than make up for by being next door to the Sasavan Gun Club’s practice facilities. Hotel features include a games room and perhaps the only health club in Europe where pastries are included as part of the work-out program.

  Note: Children are welcome but must be kept sedated.

  243 Ul St Pidrakul

  82 6947

  [email protected]

  70

  MC, V

  The Zcejet Kcev, a Tudor-style chalet that is over a century old, has a comfortable, fresh-air feeling – due in part to the fact a large chunk of its roof is missing. Renovations have been under-way since 2000 and show little sign of ever being completed. The hotel’s service can be a little inconsistent – one guest reported a sign on the concierge’s desk reading ‘back in five days’ – but the rooms are cheap and the location central.

  67 Av Nazjonal

  85 3739

  85 3733

  [email protected]

  16

  V

  We Were Wrong!

  In our last edition we mistakenly described the concierge and reception staff at Sasava’s Holidaj Injn as ‘uniformed’. Several guests who sought advice from these people have written to inform us that this description is incorrect. The staff are, by all accounts, ‘uninformed’.

  $ Accommodation Budget

  Claims that Ernest Hemingway once stayed in this modest pensione have been questioned by literary historians (it was only built in 1973); however, the Nyagz Vatj guesthouse offers good, basic rooms at reasonable prices. The hotel even has its own pool and plans are under-way to have it filled with water in the near future.

  45 SV E.Hemingway

  89 4664

  [email protected]

  21

  V

  Hostjl Zipdroff is located on the first floor of a residential apartment building just round the corner from the railway station. This hostel is a good option for those travellers wanting cheap, centrally located accommodation. Upon checking-in each guest gets a locker with a key, large enough for a small suitcase. This is where you sleep.

  Note: There are no shower facilities, but for a small additional cost you will be issued with a packet of moistened towelettes.

  125 Av Busjbusj

  83 3569

  [email protected]

  78

  DC, MC, V

  For those on a budget, the Art Nouveau Tjecv Dvor on the outskirts of Sasava is a good option. The rooms are pretty much what you’d expect, although be warned: the so-called ‘Mountain View’ suites do not have mountain views (in fact they don’t even have windows). The title relates to a faded photograph of the Swiss Alps nailed to one wall.

  Ul St Pidrakul

  87 5735

  87 5734

  [email protected]

  30

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  WHERE TO EAT

  Sasavan cuisine prides itself on local regional flavours, which perhaps explains why so many dishes feature the pickle. Freshness is also highly prized and with the Mediterranean a mere two-day drive away you can count on well-frozen seafood. Complement your meal with a bottle of good Sasavan wine, famed for what oenologists call ‘volatility’ and chemists call ‘combustibility’. Sasava also boasts numerous mouth-watering pzotjicas (cake shops) where you can pop by for a coffee and a slice of gbebzeci, a layered cake containing curd cheese, walnuts, cream, chocolate, butter, poppy seeds and eggs. For the weight-conscious there is a ‘low-fat’ version that omits the poppy seeds.

  The Local Drop...

  No-one spends much time in Sasava without being offered a glass of biljgum, the locally brewed brandy. This highly scented, thick liqueur is quite unlike anything you’ve ever tasted – unless you’ve inadvertently swallowed fabric conditioner – and is generally offered at the end of a meal as a means of prompting guests to leave.

  $$$ Dining Luxury

  To best sample the local cuisine try Tukzcovo, a famous tavernja in downtown Sasava. Typical dishes here are kvzerice (black pudding) and pvorka (pork) as well as the house speciality bzejewc, which is a peppery stew made from horse meat. Some visitors may find the thought of this last dish distasteful. But it’s worth remembering that for your average Molvanian horse, being slaughtered then ground into mince often constitutes a significant lifestyle improvement.

  12 Av Nazjonal

  84 4765

  DC, MC, V

  The Rjidak Kova is something of a Sasavan landmark, being located 93m up in the city’s new TV tower. It’s quite expensive, as one would expect from the location, but the food and service are good.

  Note: One word of warning for anyone prone to vertigo – Rjidak Kova does have a tendency to sway during high winds or when anyone flushes the lavatory.

  84 Av Nazjonal

  86 6265

  MC, V

  $$ Dining Mid-Range

  Another Sasavan culinary instit
ution is Tzoyczec, a large, casual restaurant opposite the train station. In summer you can sit in the garden and order roast suckling pig or lamb. Of course, you’re unlikely to get it, as the place only does buttered rolls. It can get a little busy on weekends but prices are good and the serves, like most of the waitresses, are large.

  54 Sv Extuc

  84 4265

  A little further out of town you’ll find Zivjukrek, a delightful modern bistro catering for the tourist trade. It’s stylish and elegant with unobtrusive piano music, although the violin player could do with a tuning fork, and the service can be erratic. There is an outdoor terrace for alfresco dining; however, the location of the tables – beneath a freeway overpass – does tend to make conversation a little difficult.

  141 Ul St Pidrakul

  89 0606

  Svateho is a trendy eatery catering to the coffee-and-cigarette crowd in search of a light meal. Choose from a menu of smoked pastries, smoked sandwiches and smoked, smoked salmon as well as some local specialties such as hvarus mecac (sheeps’ scrotum and rice).

  Note: It’s worth coming to the ‘Svat’ on the first Tuesday of each month when the fresh salad bar is re-stocked.

  35 Av Busjbusj

  80 4475

  $ Dining Budget

  For night-owls Sasava is also full of bistros and tavernjas where you can drop by for a drink and a chat with the locals. One such tavernja is Fzovrezec Steak Cave which, whilst not actually in a cave, is cold, damp and dimly-lit. If you just want a light snack and a drink you may stand up at the bar, although by 9pm very few of Fzovrezec’s regular patrons are capable of this feat. On weekends patrons have the opportunity of hearing local musicians play the zamfir, described by one visitor as a cross between a gypsy violin and a rusty car door.