Molvania Read online

  6 Av Molvanja

  39 2334

  Those seeking a slightly less boisterous dining experience might try U Zlaje Vokjum, a casual lunch and dinner bistro opposite the Town Hall. There’s a good range of meat and pasta although one diner advised us that the heavily-battered ‘Fisherman’s Basket’ is, in fact, just batter cut into the shape of various seafoods.

  Note: The basket itself is said to be more edible.

  56 Av Warsaw

  34 5768

  Varji’s is a bright, funky pizza bar offering an interesting range of toppings, such as the ‘Anchovy and Fig Supreme’, which you can eat in or vomit up at home. There’s even a free delivery service to anywhere within 100m of the restaurant.

  62 Sv Rocky II

  39 4808

  $ Dining Budget

  The relaxed, friendly bistro Tbzut was a favourite of Sjerezo writer and bon vivant Gyorj Vlerbek who ate here regularly until his death in 1996 from salmonella poisoning. Meals are good value with crusty bread and cured meats a specialty.

  Note: The summer terrace offers alfresco dining with a difference. It’s inside a cellar.

  35 Av Molvanja

  34 4808

  Just west of the main square and across the bridge over tiny Vorja Brook, Erdjesz is a friendly, light-filled bistro popular with residents and tourists alike. The food is typically Molvanian – heavy, hearty and laden with unidentifiable brown bits.

  32 Sv Jchuvski

  30 9705

  Vorbcek Vorbcek (literally, ‘Healthy Healthy’) is an unassuming bistro good for those watching their weight, as the energy required to chew any of their offerings far exceeds the energy provided by the food.

  65 Av Molvanja

  34 8808

  Bottoms Up!

  In Sjerezo, red wine is generally served with most meals (except for breakfast, which is usually accompanied by vodka). The most popular local variety is Jzankova, a full-bodied claret with fruity overtones and a slightly acidic finish – so much so it has been known to eat through stainless steel goblets.

  HIGHLIGHTS

  Like many Molvanian cities, most activity is centred around the town square. Sjerezo’s historic square was first laid out in the 16th century and, until quite recently, was regularly used for military parades and exercises. However, due to its uneven cobblestone surface, marching soldiers would frequently sprain ankles and tear cruciate ligaments – so much so that historians have estimated between 1914 and 1945 Molvania had more troops wounded here than on any battlefield in Europe. These days the square is a great place to relax on a summer’s day with a warm beer or cold coffee at one of the many outdoor cafes. On weekends there’s a folk market selling traditional hand-made pirated DVDs.

  Sjerezo’s town square is no longer used for military parades. It does, however, continue to attract lunatics.

  Just off the main square is a delightful little chapel, the Church of St Vardjo, where you will find numerous fine examples of Gothic art, including several impressive bronze panels depicting important religious events such as the Annunciation, Christ’s betrayal in the garden of Gethsemane and Molvania’s near victory in a 1994 World Cup qualifier. There are also some excellent works of art inside the sacristy adjoining the church, however this building is often closed. One practical tip – try approaching the uniformed guard at the church gates and slip him 50. He won’t take you anywhere but the naked shots of his wife aren’t bad.

  The Palace guards of Sjerezo were said to be the personal favourites of King Svardo III under whom they were officially known as the‘Royal Molvanian She-Boys’.

  A worker at the Sjerezo nuclear power plant proudly demonstrates the central reactor core, safely protected by her lead-lined shawl.

  At the entrance to the Old Town is a massive set of battlements built by Sjerezo’s Duke Ijodzor the Wise during the 14th century to protect the town from invasion. Some of the original walls were up to 6m thick, which would have made them impenetrable, except for the fact they were constructed out of papier mâché. Only a few sections remain standing.

  Sjerezo’s main cathedral is dedicated to St Peter and, unusually, was built not by foreigners but by the town’s local Christian population. Records are sketchy but it is believed construction commenced in 1209. Due to ongoing industrial action, including an official ‘go-slow’ campaign that ran for several decades, by 1314 only half of the foundations were complete and authorities decided to abandon the heavily unionized local workforce in favour of Venetian architect Giovanni Berninici. The project still took another 30 years to complete, but by 1344 Sjerezo boasted one of the finest three-walled cathedrals in all of Eastern Europe.

  For Art’s Sake!

  Many visitors will no doubt have heard of the Gyrorik Art Gallery, an institution that made headlines a few years back when its curator Vbrec Mzecjenj suspected a Rembrandt landscape in the gallery’s possession may, in fact, have been painted over a rare, and far more valuable, self-portrait of the Dutch master. Under the curator’s guidance a painstaking restoration process was commenced in which the outer layer of the painting was delicately stripped away. The work took almost 16 months and eventually revealed nothing underneath. With the original work destroyed, all that remained of value was the frame, which now holds a copy of Mr Mzecjenj’s letter of resignation.

  The Novzy Kastl (New Castle) was constructed between 1564 and 1571. This six-storey Renaissance building was originally used as a watchtower and later became the town’s live clock, with the time being announced every half-hour by a trumpeter. This tradition continued right through until the 1950s when the last official time-keeper was sacked for turning up to work late. It is sometimes possible to climb the castle; the viewing platform on top offers excellent shots of the Old Town for photographers and snipers alike.

  Whilst on the subject of climbing, a few kilometres west of Sjerezo is the old garrison (Guardjslaad), perched dramatically on top of a steep hill overlooking the city. The three hour walk up to the top is well worth the effort, although for those daunted by such an arduous climb there are donkeys available for hire at the base of the hill. A return trip will cost you 55, which can be paid directly to the donkey’s handler before heading off. A word of warning – some visitors have reported being kicked and even bitten by these ill-tempered beasts and so care should be exercised. Fortunately, the donkeys themselves are quite placid.

  No trip to Sjerezo would be complete without a visit to the grave of local composer Vicktor Chezpak (left). A child prodigy, he could play piano, violin, flute and cello by the age of 10. Mysteriously, this ability largely deserted him a few years later and by the age of 14 all he could manage was a few tunes on the harmonica. Despite such setbacks he continued writing and performing music, including the classic Yoj Molva!, a rite-of-passage anthem often sung at national gatherings. The massive marble mausoleum stands at the end of an avenue of silver birch trees and is unique, as much for its intricate architecture as for the fact that Chezpak is not actually yet dead. According to an inscription on the door the cenotaph was simply financed and constructed by local music lovers in anticipation of the long-awaited event.

  Vicktor Chezpak

  Anyone approaching Sjerezo by road from the south will notice a large steel bridge over the River Gjorzecer. A small plaque at one end of this bridge records that it remains the scene of Molvania’s worst railway disaster. It was here on a foggy night in 1978 that a passenger service returning from Lutenblag collided with a freight train loaded with iron ore. Both trains then toppled off the bridge and onto a fully loaded pleasure barge making its way up the River Gjorzecer. A subsequent government inquiry cleared both drivers, but did call for an immediate end to production of ‘Molvanian Candid Camera’.

  LAKE VJAZA

  Despite living in a landlocked country, Molvanians love to spend time by the water, and mighty Lake Vjaza provides the perfect destination. Formed in the 1950s, when Soviet nuclear testing inadvertently perforated a massive artesian bo
re, Lake Vjaza now covers some 26 sq km. In its early days the impoundment developed a reputation for being badly polluted after thousands of dead waterbirds and fish were found washed up on the shore but, thanks to a massive re-stocking program, Lake Vjaza is now teeming with mutant fish.

  Every summer thousands of holiday-makers descend on this inland waterway to spend a few exotic weeks enjoying the many aquatic-based activities, such as boating, water-skiing, wind surfing and trolling for carp. During these warmer months visitors can take a cruise across the lake on board a colourfully-decorated pletzna, an old-fashioned canopied wooden boat similar to a Venetian gondola except for the fact it’s shorter and powered by diesel. For a small tip your captain will launch into a traditional folk-song. For an additional tip he’ll stop.

  There are also numerous sandy beaches around Lake Vjaza that are ideal for swimming provided care is taken to avoid the water. Naturally enough, the entire area is very popular with nudists, and several stretches of shoreline are designated ‘clothes free’. Binoculars are available for hire at most nearby shops.

  HOW TO GET THERE

  Situated in the far north of the Plateau region, Lake Vjaza requires a bit of effort to get there.

  For a road crossing a flat plain, the main highway features a surprising number of tight curves and hair-pin bends, a result of having been designed by undergraduate engineering students at Sasava University. If you don’t have a car, remember that buses leave Lutenblag for Lake Vjaza twice weekly and are towed back at the end of each month.

  WHERE TO STAY

  Without doubt the largest and most popular place to stay at Lake Vjaza is the youth-oriented Klub Zzebo on the shores of a semi-protected but still very windswept southern bay. Despite seeming a little out of place in Central Europe, this Polynesian-themed holiday village draws large crowds of young tourists who come to enjoy sun, sand and drinking vodka out of a coconut. It was originally built in the 1980s, and following recent renovations, including, the installation of toilet facilities, continues to be booked out during the summer period. Numerous activities are provided free to guests, including wind-surfing, wave-jumping and kite-sailing, or you can just relax and sunbathe behind one of the resort’s purpose-built wind-shelters. There are also regular free lectures on sexually transmittable diseases.

  Philippe writes...

  “Can you believe it? Thousands of tourists paying big bucks to stay in a tacky lakeside holiday village when, just a few hundred metres away, I found lodging at an authentic 17th century shepherd’s cottage. Lying there on my 50 a night slat-bed I could hear the sound of young backpackers down the road –dancing, drinking, taking drugs and copulating all night long. I knew where I’d rather be!”

  P.M.

  WHERE TO EAT

  Lipza Daz is one of many popular fish restaurants overlooking the magnificent waters of Lake Vjaza. Here diners can choose their meal from any of the creatures washed up on the lake shores.

  Another popular backpacker eatery is Bistroj Vjaza, located just a short walk from the main jetty. This funky bistro is relaxed, cosy and – as of 2002 – officially asbestos-free.

  The traditional dancers of Lake Vjaza not only entertain but will, for a small extra fee, remove head lice.

  HIGHLIGHTS

  Recent re-stocking programs have seen various species of fish successfully introduced back into the lake. As a consequence, fishing has become a very popular activity and most methods are permitted, such as bait and netting. In the interests of conservation there are, however, some restrictions on the use of harpoons and underwater explosives.

  Just a few kilometres from the lake’s main beach you will find one of the largest and most dimly-lit gaming houses in Central Europe, the recently-built Grandj Vjaza Kasino. Many visitors have compared this facility to Las Vegas, not so much for its facilities as the fact that both are situated in a desert and lit by neon. Here you can enjoy all the popular staples such as blackjack, roulette and poker, as well as more localized games like cvardo (in which players must select a numbered ball between one and 12 and then stuff it down the brassiere of the correspondingly-numbered pole dancer). Entrance 80, children free.

  During a papal visit to Western Plateau in 1978, John Paul II’s ‘Pope-Mobile’ broke an axle just north of Lake Vjaza. The offending pot-hole is now considered a holy site.

  Dive! Dive! Dive!

  Often docked at the northern edge of Lake Vjaza is the Molvanian navy’s only submarine, the Zcjormst. Despite the unlikely threat of attack, this Russian-built vessel regularly patrols the waterway. In keeping with official policy the government refuses to confirm or deny whether the Zcjormst is equipped with nuclear weaponry but the tendency of its crew to all wear lead-lined uniforms and carry Geiger counters suggests some degree of atomic capability. On most weekends the Zcjormst is open to the public, and the crew are more than happy to show visitors around. Naturally enough, certain areas (such as the weapons room) are off-limits, but a small tip will open most doors.

  THE GREAT CENTRAL VALLEY

  [Grandj Kentral Valljk]

  THE REGION

  Though generally overlooked by tourists, central Molvania is very much the country’s heart and soul. This is where the nation was born and where much of its folklore and deep-rooted traditions continue to flourish. In many villages here it’s not uncommon for elderly women to grab you by the ears and spit three times into your face, said to offer protection from evil spirits. It won’t, however, protect you from tuberculosis, and appropriate medical precautions should be taken.

  The beauty of the Central Valley region lies not so much in its architecture as in its inspiring natural landscapes. The area is home to the eighth-highest mountain range in Europe, the impressive Czarbuncle Mountains. In winter when the rest of the alps are overrun with hordes of skiers these slopes are generally free of crowds. Unfortunately, due to prevailing dry winds, they’re also free of snow for most of the season. Thanks to local ingenuity, however, a de-commissioned jet engine combined with a bank of Slurpee machines provides a passable cover of artificial snow.

  A local angler prepares to wet a line.

  Outdoor activities are widely available in the Central Valley and every year adventure-minded tourists come here to camp, hike, climb and jet boat across one of the many massive sinkholes that dot the limestone plains. Sadly for the adventure tourism trade, at the time of writing the Vzintga Bungee Jumping Centre was still closed pending a coronial inquest into the tensile strength of aged rubber – but there is still much here to satisfy the adrenalin junkie. And of course, no visit to the area would be complete without wetting a line in the hope of bagging a trophy-sized kjark (see opposite), an elusive fish native to the region. Prospective anglers are, however, reminded of the need to purchase a fishing licence (valid for one year) from any post office as well as a fishing permit (valid for a day, week or month), which can be obtained from the Ministry of Agriculture office in Jzerbo. This permit must be validated by an authorized Fisheries Inspector both before you commence angling and again each time you land a fish. Heavy penalties apply for those caught without the correct forms and foreigners risk having their visas extended.

  JZERBO

  The unofficial capital of the Great Central Valley region, Jzerbo may not look all that inviting to the first-time visitor, with its jumble of grim Soviet-era block housing and concentration of heavy industry. But thanks to frequent, heavy smog, many of these visual eye-sores remain hidden from the average visitor. There are also several pockets of historical charm, including some of the oldest slums in Europe, and after a few days here you can leave behind the trappings of the modern world – pollution, hustle, antibiotics – and step back into a genuine Renaissance-era village.

  For music lovers, the Jzerbo Symphony Orchestra give regular recitals during the summer months, although concert-goers should be warned that due to financial restraints portions of these performances may often be prerecorded. As a general rule, the strings, woodwi
nd and brass sections are taped, but you can pretty much count on the percussion to be live.

  At the other end of the cultural scale, Jzerbo is the centre of Molvania’s fox hunting community, and visitors to the city’s outlying regions might be lucky enough to witness a hunt in full swing. Horses are, of course, involved but, unlike their English counterparts, Molvanian hunters don’t use hounds; preferring to track, corner and rip open the throat of their prey themselves. As in England, however, the sport remains controversial with many animal rights advocates calling for it to be banned. Whilst this is still several years away, there are moves to phase it out as a school sport.

  To Catch a Kjark...

  A member of the eel family, the kjark is recognized by its dark, slimy scales and pungent smell. Some specimens also have a brown stripe along their flanks, but this is merely a fungal growth. The highly sought-after kjark thrives in muddy, polluted conditions, making it ideally suited to the waterways of central Molvania. Despite growing up to 10kg, kjark are not highly noted for their fighting qualities, tending to give up immediately after being hooked. Anglers should take care as they have sharp, dagger-like teeth, although in older fish many of these are often missing. The most popular method of angling is to use live bait (generally a frog or newly-born kitten), although in shallow water a small bore rifle can also be useful. Table quality is considered good to fair, with the flesh described as tasting something like juvenile dolphin.

  HISTORY

  Interestingly, historians are unsure precisely how old the village of Jzerbo actually is. In 1974 a major archaeological dig was commenced at the site of its earliest settlement, but this research project had to be called off after residents complained it was interfering with their underground TV cable.