Molvania Read online

  ‘... the Molvanian mastiff should have short, stumpy legs (usually three, sometimes four), a wiry grey coat and noticeably undershot jaw. Typically the dog displays a disloyal temperament and is prone to bouts of unprovoked aggression. As a consequence, the animal must be on a muzzle in public. The same rule applies to its owners. Show dogs usually have their ears cropped and most breeders also lop off the tail as it is considered a delicacy. Interestingly, the Molvanian mastiff is the only member of the canine family incapable of licking its own genitals’.

  from Dogs of the World (Universal Press, 1987)

  FURTHER AFIELD...

  The countryside surrounding Lublova is flat and windswept, dotted with phosphate mines and large salt flats. It is generally regarded as east Molvania’s most scenic landscape. Some of the sights worth seeing are listed below.

  Monj Vedjev (Mount Vedjev) is a favourite day trip destination for locals and its 178m peak offers both splendid views and hypothermia. To reach the summit, take a bus to the foot of the mountain where you board a chairlift. Various signs warn travellers to make sure they have a valid return ticket before getting on the chairlift – not an easy task as these tickets can only be purchased from the vending booth at the top of the mountain. It’s also advisable to carry a warm jacket and some emergency flares.

  A half-hour drive east of Lublova is stately Czelm Park, a lush oasis on the otherwise barren plain. Situated in the park is the summer residence of Molvania’s most famous modern sculptor Hzmach Mevtrajo. This grand chateau and all of its surrounding bronzed statues were donated by Mevtrajo to the public in 1985. In 1986 the public gave them back and the reclusive artist has lived here in miffed silence ever since. An extensive gallery operates inside the chateau and entrance is free, although there is a small charge not to have your car vandalised.

  A little further on past Czelm Park you’ll find a series of limestone caves, said by locals to be the home of a fierce dragon (the terrifying Splidfrik According to folk legend this dragon emerges on nights of a full moon and creeps into town where he selects one unlucky boy or girl who is carried back to the creature’s lair and slowly burnt alive. For centuries this delightful tale has been told to Molvanian children as a bed-time story, which may explain the country’s unusually high rates of bed-wetting and related sleep disorders.

  Visitors to the east of Molvania will be offered a glass of locally brewed zeerstum (garlic brandy). On no account should it be drunk.

  LAKE SKROTUL

  As the swimming and boating centre of eastern Molvania, Lake Skrotul draws thousands of holiday-makers every season. The lake, like much of the region’s charm, is artificial and was formed in 1953 when plans to dredge the mighty River Vzorjmec went spectacularly wrong and a dam wall was inadvertently created. Sadly, drought – coupled with increased irrigation demands from local farmers – has seen water levels drop alarmingly in recent years, so much so that the ‘Lakeside Camping Park’ is technically now 3km from the water’s edge. Despite this there is still much to see and enjoy at this popular, semi-aquatic destination.

  Sun-lovers enjoy a summer’s afternoon on the shores of Lake Skrotul.

  WHERE TO STAY

  Apart from the above-mentioned Camping Park, it is possible to rent houseboats on the lake. Many of these are diesel powered, others require peddling. Enquiries: Skrotul Ahoyz ( 07/521776870).

  WHERE TO EAT

  Fresh fish is obviously the food of choice in this part of the world and the shores of Lake Skrotul are lined with cafes and restaurants offering various ‘catch of the day’ options. The largest and most popular local eatery would have to be Hzerjman’s ( 92 1768), situated on the main pier. Here diners can select their meal from a large tank near the door, which is great for fish lovers but not so good if you’re planning to have steak.

  HIGHLIGHTS

  The beaches surrounding Lake Skrotul are spotless – certainly devoid of sand – and are popular with sun lovers, many of whom reserve their place each morning with a towel or deck chair. So fierce is competition for prime beach space that there have been several reports of towels being booby-trapped by zealous holiday-makers in order to prevent anyone taking their spot – so care should be taken. The waters of Lake Skrotul are surprisingly warm due, in part, to its use as a cooling pond for a nearby coal generator. For those who prefer to stay dry, cow rides around the lake are available. Most start from the cattle sale yards and finish a few kilometres north at the Lakeside Abattoirs.

  DZREBO

  Some 70km east of Lake Skrotul you’ll find the old mining town of Dzrebo. It was here during the Middle Ages that silver was discovered and, had deposits of this precious metal held out for just a few more decades, the townspeople claim Dzrebo could well have become a great European city. As it is, the town is now a great European truck-stop on the Lutenblag–Lublova Highway.

  Dzrebo itself is divided into three traditional hamlets, known as Sektor 1, Sektor 2 and Zibruzzka (‘the Minefield’).

  Sadly, there is high unemployment throughout Dzrebo, which has resulted in an underclass of beggars, many of whom stand on street corners accosting passers-by. These destitute souls may appear to be down-and-out, but when it comes to seeking donations they are actually quite organized, so much so that many of them even offer credit card facilities.

  HISTORY

  Dzrebo was first discovered in AD 6 by the Roman centurion Callus who, while leading an expedition through the region, became bogged on the flat, swampy plains. After several fruitless weeks attempting to extricate himself from the mosquito-plagued, leech-infested, stagnant wetlands, Callus is said to have declared ‘this would make an ideal place for a village’. Whilst historians have subsequently conjectured that he may have been speaking sarcastically, his comments were soon acted upon and a small town sprang up. During the Middle Ages the discovery of silver* led to a minor boom that saw much of the city’s great monasteries and cathedrals constructed, making Dzrebo a great centre of Catholicism throughout the east. When the silver mines finally closed during the 16th century most of the town turned to prostitution, but this failed to fully arrest Dzrebo’s economic decline. In 1978 the municipality was officially recognized as the flattest city in Molvania.

  SHOPPING

  Dzrebo is well known for its folk-art products, many of which are sold at roadside stands. Amongst the most popular items are corn-husk figures, hand-woven woollen mats and elaborately decorated, wooden marital aids. One word of warning – quarantine laws in several countries prohibit the importation of any articles manufactured from Molvanian agricultural products due to the possibility they may be infested with the rare bvorvil mite. If in doubt, declare your purchase to customs officials so that it can be doused in fungicide, sprayed with insecticide and then burnt.

  HOW TO GET THERE

  There is no train or regular bus service to this eastern outpost so for many visitors a car is the only option. However, finding a rental firm willing to let you take a vehicle into the city can be difficult as most have exclusion policies that prohibit driving off-road or into Dzrebo. The main concern, of course is theft, and numerous visitors have reported leaving their car for just a few minutes only to have thieves make off with the contents, engine parts or – quite often – the entire automobile. Most locals avoid such incidents by parking in a guarded garage, but if this is not an option then the most sensible thing to do is always leave at least one infant in the back seat, preferably crying or with a visibly soiled nappy. Another good deterrent is a steering wheel lock, which can be used to beat would-be thieves over the head.

  HOW TO GET AROUND

  Buses run frequently and can be hailed by simply waving your hand or, during peak periods, a small hand gun. A trip costs 40 and tickets may be purchased from kiosks or the drivers themselves. Remember to cancel one ticket in the machine on the bus for each section travelled, plus an extra one for each zone. Any remaining tickets may be then re-validated using a machine, provided it is not the same machin
e as originally used.

  Dzrebo offers a delightful blend of Renaissance charm and Balkan sleaze.

  WHERE TO STAY

  The truth is, Dzrebo is not a particularly tourist-oriented town and this fact is reflected in its basic lack of accommodation options. So chronic is the problem that in a recent Molvanian Tourism Board promotion the city’s ‘Best Boutique Hotel’ award went to a Salvation Army shelter. A better plan for visitors to Dzrebo is to consider staying outside the city in one of the region’s many aggro-turizm centres where you get to lodge on a genuine farm with a local family. Full board and meals are included in the price along with activities such as helping to round up the sheep, helping to chop firewood, helping to slaughter pigs and just generally helping.

  $$$ Accommodation Luxury

  Claimed to be the first hotel ever to open in Dzrebo, Jorkjem Palatz is a beautifully restored chateau right in the heart of the Old Town district. Rooms here are not exactly cheap, but a full Molvanian breakfast (cereal, toast, eggs, sausage and vodka) is included in the price. The hotel also features one of the oldest working elevators in Europe.

  132 Sv Ezkrel

  67 3143

  67 3144

  [email protected]

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  A little out of town you’ll find Hotjl Golf. As its name implies this establishment offers not only accommodation but also its own 17-hole golf course. Designed by Molvania’s only professional golfer, Vcez Brailja, this well maintained course offers challenging bunkers and numerous water bio-hazards that all make for a testing round of golf. (Visitors should note that the course’s kerosene-powered golf carts have recently been banned after starting several grass fires.)

  Note: The hotel itself is clean and modern and, while few of the reception staff speak English, they do respond to basic swear words and obscenities.

  45 Sv J.C. Van Damm

  67 7262

  67 7266

  [email protected]

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  Philippe writes...

  “You’ve got to laugh at the sight of tourists shacked up in over-priced, sterile, western-style hotels. If you really want to experience the true Molvania you should be homeless. I once spent two weeks on a park bench in Dzrebo covered in cardboard. It’s a holiday I’ll never forget.”

  P.M.

  $$ Accommodation Mid-Range

  A good mid-priced accommodation option can be found in the New Town area at Sjavtzas. The rooms here are plain and simple with no real surprises apart from the odd frog in the bidet (the owner tells us they’re edible!), and there’s a pleasant courtyard out the back where guests can hang washing or themselves, depending on their mood.

  48 Av Maj 1

  62 0690

  [email protected]

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  Just across from the taxi stand you’ll find Pensjon Krovoz, which offers good basic accommodation at value-for-money prices. The place has a relaxed, casual feel and you could almost believe you are staying in someone’s home. In fact, you are, and it’s not unusual for the owner’s children to wander in during the night looking for lost toys or to use their toilet.

  98 Av Busjbusj

  61 7465

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  $ Accommodation Budget

  Despite its name, Hotjl Central is actually located on the far outskirts of town and takes 45 minutes to reach by public transport. The rooms towards the back are quieter, due to the fact that many of them are underground.

  9 Sv Pudjink

  66 1212

  [email protected]

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  The somewhat seedy Gronz Mecj, opposite Dzrebo’s main railway station, is popular with businessmen and lone travellers, drawn by the hotel’s range of in-room, adult videos available on a pay-for-view basis. Guests accessing this service are assured that the title of the movie will not appear on their bill.

  Note: They will, however, set off a siren and powerful flashing light outside their hotel room door.

  163 Ul Vzermac

  65 8673

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  Many hotels in Dzrebo offer quality childcare facilities.

  We Were Wrong!

  In our last edition it was written that guests staying at the Dzrebo Youth Hostel would find a ‘towel’ included in each dormitory. This was a typographical error and should, in fact, have read ‘trowel’ –a reference to the establishment’s outdoor toilet facilities.

  WHERE TO EAT

  Shared tables are a common feature of Dzrebo dining and it’s not unusual for couples enjoying a romantic meal out to find themselves joined by a large party of boisterous and often drunk locals. This is considered quite an honour and to complain could cause offence, if not severe personal injury. One other point worth remembering – vegetarian meals are hard to find in Dzrebo and dishes described as ‘meat free’ may legally contain up to 23% pork.

  $$$ Dining Luxury

  The most popular restaurant in Dzrebo is Hzorvja’s, which specializes in wild game. During the hunting season diners can expect to be served anything from roast boar to oven-baked duck.

  Note: Out of season you may have to settle for fresh road-kill.

  37 Av Busjbusj

  66 1972

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  Another highly recommended eatery is Pjokotaz, a centrally-located restaurant popular with businessmen and government officials. In addition to hearty stews you’ll often be served a side dish of hearty tsalusky noodles, which are similar to Italian ‘gnocchi’ or German ‘spaetzle’ except for the fact they’re hallucinogenic.

  67 Av Maj 1

  63 0170

  DC, MC, V

  $$ Dining Mid-Range

  Located just off the highway, Vjoy Zjoy is a trendy bistro offering light vegetarian meals in a relaxed smoke-free environment. It opened in June 2001, but closed within weeks due to lack of customers and has now re-opened as a hamburger shop.

  86 Sv J.F.Kennedy

  61 6079

  It seems Chinese cuisine has infiltrated every city in the world and Dzrebo is no exception, with the Golden Dragon providing an interesting mix of ‘Molvanian-meets-Asian’ dishes (even its management structure follows these lines – ‘triad-meets-mafia’). Favourites include fried rice with gherkin, sour and sour pork, and the restaurant’s signature dish, Peking sparrow.

  Note: All meals are served with rice and MSG.

  102 Sv Ezkrel

  67 0898

  $ Dining Budget

  Those after a hearty meal at modest prices could do worse than book a table at Horgastz Vengelko, a simple, ground floor cafe just off busy Sv. Izcata. Enticing main courses include roast goose with morello cherries, haunch of wild boar and steak served Molvanian style (i.e. burnt to a crisp). Vegetarians or those on a kosher diet might try the vecbek, a pork crepe in which the chunks of meat are cleverly disguised by a thick cheese sauce.

  65 Av Maj 1

  63 4209

  A Dzrebo farmer prepares his harvest of chestnuts for market. The nuts will be roasted and sold in local restaurants. The farmer will be admitted to hospital with a hernia.

  Strictly for the Birds!

  After a hard day sightseeing many visitors like to relax with a coffee and slice of muczecl cheese at one of the many outdoor cafes lining Dzrebo main square. One word of warning: the pigeons here are not only voracious, they’re one of the few varieties in the world to actually have teeth. Your best bet is to refrain from feeding these diseaseridden scavengers and, if necessary, shoo them away with a rolled-up menu or umbrella. A similar approach works well with the square’s numerous buskers and gypsy beggars.

  We Were Wrong! Apologies are owed to the owners of the Zzardmac Bistroj opposite the old Town Hall. In our last edition this establishment was described as a ‘spotless, family-friendly cafe’. This was a typographical error and should have read ‘topless family-friendly cafe’. We regret any loss of trade this may have caused t
o Mr and Mrs Zzardmac and their seven daughters.

  HIGHLIGHTS

  The Kastl Rojal (Royal Castle) dates from the 12th century when Sigmisoid VI (‘the Gout Prince’) had it built as a summer residence. Tours of this impressive Romanesque edifice are run daily (provided the day is Wednesday) with most visitors keen to see the famous Royal Treasury on the ground floor. The main attraction here is, of course, the Molvanian Crown Jewels and, despite the collection having been somewhat depleted over the years by Turkish raiders, Nazi troops and unscrupulous cleaning staff, there is still much to see. One of the most fascinating items on display is the zmittenblag, a fearsome, jagged sword used by palace officials from the early 14th century onwards for performing circumcisions and trimming hedges.

  Dzrebo’s largest and most beautiful park (the Villj Krokenstanf) covers just over 10 hectares on the eastern side of town. A pleasant trail that winds its way through the grassland and over footbridges starts near the main entrance and is a good way to explore the grounds. Numerous signs remind visitors that dogs, bicycles, roller-blades, joggers and prams are all banned. You may, however, lawfully discharge a firearm on any day other than Good Friday.

  Movie buffs should consider planning a visit to Dzrebo in September to coincide with the city’s famous International Film Festival, during which budding directors from around the world are invited to submit their work. Last year only two entries were received; both tied for fifth place.

  Kaca Jzan Martejz is the house where the 19th century painter Jzan Martejz was born and died, which could perhaps explain the smell. It now serves as a museum for his work.

  Eureka!

  Nobel Prize near-winner, Willjm Krejkzbec (1891–1943), is without doubt one of Molvania’s most famous sons. Krejkzbec was a Dzreboborn physicist who in 1908 created enormous excitement when he managed to pass an electrical current through a copper plate suspended in chloric acid. Sadly, this groundbreaking achievement proved to have no practical applications, but it still led to a Nobel Prize nomination for the determined pioneer. Of course, Willjm Krejkzbec’s academic fame has been largely overshadowed by his much-publicized interest in sado-masochism (see ‘Museums’ section p106).