Molvania Page 7

  90 Av Maj 1

  51 5698

  51 5697

  ozj@molnet.co.mv

  58

  DC, MC, V

  For the more active visitor who doesn’t mind being a few kilometres out of town, Hotjl Zport is an excellent option. Located adjacent to the Svetranj Sporting Complex, it boasts a running track, squash courts and an Olympic-sized settling pond. The hotel even has its own soccer pitch and each Saturday organizes a staff-versus-visitor match.

  Note: Guests are strongly advised to avoid taking part in these contests due to reports of frequent and escalating on-field violence, particularly on the part of the concierge.

  267 Av Maj 1

  50 0696

  50 0697

  sport@moldi.co.mv

  200

  DC, MC, V

  Gzizco Hzorbec is one of Svetranj’s oldest hotels. It is built on a hill overlooking the city; however due to some architectural oversight, all the rooms face back into the hill. On the positive side, guests will not be disturbed by an excess of natural light or air.

  Sv Franco

  55 3856

  55 3855

  gzizco@molnet.co.mv

  54

  $$ Accommodation Mid-Range

  Close to the river, the Hotjl Jerko overlooks the bustling wharf district and is a mere stone’s throw from the city square (a fact confirmed during the civil riots of 1997 when several windows were shattered by unruly protestors). The hotel offers a relaxed, informal service although one guest did report being physically threatened after arriving several minutes late for breakfast.

  75 Sv Krakjl

  56 2314

  56 2315

  jerko@moldi.co.mv

  29

  DC, MC

  The Zibberief Hotjl is a small, family-run establishment that is centrally located and comfortable with clean, modern rooms to suit most budgets. The hotel, like its owner’s teeth, has undergone extensive renovation work and most rooms offer TV and private bathrooms.

  33 Bvd Busjbusj

  59 5696

  59 5697

  zibber@moldi.co.mv

  18

  DC, MC, V

  $ Accommodation Budget

  The owners of the 15th century pensione Plepjic Vaz describe it as ‘conveniently placed’, which may be true for them – they live next door – but for guests the hotel is some 14km west of the city. The slightly drab decor of the rooms is brightened up by the presence of pot plants and a variety of colourful bathroom mould.

  354 Av Proskylo

  52 5600

  24

  V

  Svetranj also offers a wide range of youth hostel accommodation, a cheap alternative to hotels. Bookings are essential as these places can get pretty busy in summer, especially now that the largest and most popular hostel, Djormi’s, has been closed down by authorities after guests reported finding video cameras hidden in the women’s shower facilities. (The owner, the irrepressible Viktor Djormi, originally denied all knowledge, then insisted the cameras were there for security to prevent soap and towel theft. The matter is still before the courts where a full bench of judges are now into their second year of viewing the taped evidence).

  Closed pending criminal investigations

  WHERE TO EAT

  As the culinary capital of the Molvanian Alps district, Svetranj prides itself on fine dining. The signature dish in upmarket restaurants here is pvork zpiitka (roast pig served with an apple in its mouth). This is a difficult meal to prepare as the traditional recipe calls for the apple to be inserted whilst the pig is still alive. Meanwhile, visitors seeking a slightly more casual dining experience, and who are prepared to brave the cigarette smoke and deep-fried food, might care to drop by a vzarjkil (health food bar).

  $$$ Dining Luxury

  Without doubt, Svetranj’s most popular restaurant is Kisbzucten, located right on the city’s main square. Meals here are filling, with typical dishes generally involving cabbage, cream, potatoes, sausages and offal. And that’s entree. The less ravenous diner might try ordering something lighter like a bowl of guzpa (a thick soup made from paprika and goose lard).

  23 Platka dj Busjbusj

  55 5330

  DC, MC, V

  A 20-minute drive east of the city will take you to Kbadi, a large, authentic tavernja specializing in rustic cuisine. It’s also a very popular establishment and being so far out of town it can be difficult getting a cab home on busy nights. One option is to take a cab there and then invite your driver in for a light meal. Most are happy to do so in return for a bowl of soup and 2L carafe of house wine.

  Note: This is a good way of ensuring you’ll have transport home, the only downside being that you may have to do the driving.

  243 Sv Tritkul

  52 1246

  MC, V

  Book early for a seat at any one of Svetranj’s popular street cafes (tables cost extra).

  $$ Dining Mid-Range

  Another culinary institution in the centre of town is Zad Gjorjze (George’s Pad), a large eatery that serves hearty regional dishes, many baked in a traditional petzda (petrol-burning oven). Come early to enjoy jazz and all-in brawling.

  54 Bvd Busjbusj

  54 7834

  For the ultimate outdoor dining experience make a booking at Tjuj Meda, a provincial-style eatery directly opposite the Museum. During summer you can sit under the massive oak tree drinking local beer and soaking in the atmosphere. Bookings are essential on Saturday nights when large crowds often gather for a traditional Svetranj feast in which a wild pig is killed by hand and roasted on a spit (though not necessarily in that order) before being devoured by hungry patrons.

  12 Sv Nazjonal

  59 7830

  $ Dining Budget

  Visitors in search of a light snack should cross the river and visit Bistroj Cravben, a friendly little cafe not far out of town. It’s run by a local couple and the menu is changed frequently. Unfortunately, the same cannot be said for the table linen.

  54 Sv Italia

  50 2655

  Kaça Zrzaveho (literally ‘Stink House’) is a surprisingly popular restaurant close to the centre of the city. Each dish here appears lovingly prepared with the freshest ingredients. This is, of course, an illusion as most of the meals are pre-packaged and snap-frozen in a Slovakian processing plant.

  76 Bvd Busjbusj

  51 2765

  Fishy Business #2!

  Located on the River Jerko, the restaurants of Svetranj naturally pride themselves on the wide range of fine fish available. Trout, pike, cod and a rare form of fresh-water dolphin are all regularly featured on local menus – but without doubt the most sought-after delicacy is the exotic kjerzenko fish. Unique to the region, this gastronomical treat is actually highly toxic and must be prepared and served only by qualified chefs. As part of the process a small, oily gland just behind the fish’s head is carefully removed. This gland – the only edible part of the fish – is then cooked while the rest of the body is thrown away or used as a poultry feed supplement.

  HIGHLIGHTS

  A good way to explore the city is via the River Jerko and small boats (plunkas) are available for hire at the Svetranj boatsheds. These colourfully decorated craft cost just 20 per hour (although oars will set you back an extra 100) and a leisurely voyage downstream will take you past many architectural delights, including the old dungeon tower (kzmurta) where suspected felons were routinely interrogated with hot pokers before being cast from the roof to a grisly death on the rocks below. Fortunately, this form of summary justice was abolished in 1978, but the tower remains a potent reminder of Molvania’s savage past.

  The picturesque Jerko River.

  The Svetranj Cathedral sits high on a flood-plain overlooking the city. Two building phases are clearly discernible: the lower part is indebted to the late-Gothic style, while the cupola and dome owe much to 20th century advances in aluminium cladding.

  The Svetranj Archaeological Museum is open every
day except Monday, Wednesday, Thursday and weekends and contains an impressive collection of artefacts: Liburnian bronze jewellery, numerous Roman relics and a lock of pubic hair claimed to be from a 13th century Catholic bishop. Tours of the Museum are offered and most visitors reported the guides to be very informative and helpful, although a little threatening towards anyone attempting to leave early.

  Bu-Bu the Reformer

  Out the front of the Unjverstat Politikat you will see a statue of former Prime Minister ‘Bu-Bu’ holding up three fingers (the only ones he had left after a 1932 cutlery accident). This pose commemorates his achievement in legislating to ensure separation of powers between the three arms of Molvanian federal authority: the judiciary, the legislature and the mafia.

  One of the finest features of Svetranj is its long central boulevard, shaded by a double line of plane trees. Cafes and restaurants line this strip and each evening during the summer months locals turn out here in their finest clothes for the twilight passegjeco (promenade), a chance for Svetranj high society to see and be seen. Sadly, the pleasure of this ritual has been somewhat diminished in recent years by the way it often coincides with a sharp rise in home burglaries, thought to be the work of gypsy opportunists.

  Down a small lane diagonally opposite the Cathedral you’ll find the Jana Cvecej Bookshop, one of Svetranj’s most famous stores. It was set up in 1957 by Jana Cvecej, a keen book collector and prolific author in her own right, who was worried by the lack of decent literature available in the city. The shop now boasts over 7000 titles, the only drawback being that they’re all books written by Cvecej herself.

  A Deep Thinker...

  Just to the north of Svetranj at 1120 Sv. Livisnki Obala you will find a humble-looking stone residence that was actually the birthplace and childhood home of Djar Rzeumerten, arguably Molvania’s most famous philosopher. Born in 1768, Rzeumerten was an advanced thinker whose greatest achievement was to actually prove that he did not exist.

  Djar Rzeumerten

  Svetranj locals gather each year on 6 June to celebrate the Feast of the Lop-Sided Saints.

  THE GREAT PLAIN

  In stark contrast to the mighty alps towering just a few hundred kilometres to the east, the flat expanse surrounding Svetranj was once known to the Romans as Plana Monotona Desolata. The vegetation here is typical of central Molvania – thistles and weeds interspersed by barren, rocky patches. The expansive beauty of this exposed land seems to stretch on forever, and over the centuries it has attracted painters, poets, romantics and cement-mining consortiums. But, of course, since time immemorial this massive prairie has been home to cziksos (shepherds) who, even today, can be seen moving their flocks across the bleak, windswept landscape. These colourful figures still wear traditional costume, although their horses have, in most cases, been replaced by noisy, three-wheeled motorbikes imported from Ukraine. (The bikes are, however, still steered using reigns). Accompanying each czikso is a large herd of sheep and several zuti herd dogs. Interestingly, the sheep are kept for their wool and milk, while the dogs are routinely slaughtered for their meat, considered a delicacy by these nomadic shepherd-folk.

  WHEN TO GO

  One of the best times to visit the Great Plain is September, when the annual wine harvest gets under-way. Being a deeply religious community the entire event is punctuated by masses and special ceremonies, the highlight of which takes place on 22 September when the first grapes are crushed by a young virgin girl (often brought in from Hungary due to a lack of suitably qualified locals). Mid-winter also has its charm as this is the time that the region’s highly sought-after truffle crop is harvested. Visitors can watch as specially trained pigs scour the plains sniffing out the elusive delicacy that, once located, is then dug up using traditional methods such as explosives or a small front-end loader.

  Let the festival begin!

  There are dozens of small villages, many containing just a few hundred people, dotted across the Great Plain. Most of these delightful communities have regular festivals that are usually filled with drinking, dancing and fighting. These are known as vecborjas (weekends) and tourists are generally welcome.

  Cattle on the Great Plain have been genetically-modified to grow just two legs. Whilst this feature reduces meat yield, it does make the muster considerably easier.

  Philippe writes...

  “I was travelling through Svetranj some years ago with a group of friends who suddenly had to leave me. Tired of the usual tourist traps and tacky souvenir shops, I hailed a cab and asked the driver (in my best Molvanian!) to take me somewhere I could get a real sense of the country’s heart and soul, somewhere I belonged. Two and a half hours up the road he dropped me off in a vast wilderness that I later recognized as the Great Plain. A few days later when I collapsed from hunger and hypothermia I realized it was one of the most authentic travel experiences I’d ever had. Unforgettable!”

  P.M.

  HOW TO GET AROUND

  The best way to sample this unique rural landscape is as part of a guided 4WD tour. Several operate, the most common being Zvedir Zafarji, which offers two-, five- and seven-day adventure packages. They follow ancient herding trails across the plain, with accommodation in traditional animal-skin tents. It doesn’t take long for you to realize just how tough, cold, bleak and monotonous life out here must have been and Zvedir Zafarji tours certainly capture all the elements of this experience.

  WHERE TO STAY

  The less adventurous might consider spending a night or two at The Great Plain Ranch, situated about 25km east of Svetranj. Guests can spend the night in authentic dung-covered stinkas (traditional huts) and be entertained by local cowboys performing their highly popular equestrian show. These talented riders display enormous control over their horses, making them stop, turn, leap and twist with the slightest touch from an electronic prod. Shows run every weekend throughout the year, although in bad weather they’re staged in the ranch’s Mess Hall, which can get a little crowded. Bookings essential.

  The Great Plain area has also seen a rise in aggro-turizm, with several properties offering overnight accommodation and excellent home-cooking combined with the opportunity to experience life on a working farm. Sadly, this program has been temporarily suspended, but the local tourism bureau hopes to have it running again as soon as the region is officially declared anthrax-free.

  VAJANA

  Until recently this medieval town was a warren of slums, clustering round a polluted lake near the festering rubbish-strewn foothills of Mount Toxyk. It was hardly the sort of place to attract holiday-makers, although the city did pick up a municipal ‘Tidy Town’ award in 1976. This accolade prompted something of a revival for Vajana and these days it is considered a first-rate tourist destination offering modern comforts and an exciting nightlife – despite a 10pm militarily enforced curfew. Visitors looking to combine a bit of adult entertainment with local culture should pay a visit to Spredzelegz, one of the few Folkloric Lap Dancing venues in Europe.

  HISTORY

  This ancient city was founded back in AD 720 by the great matriarch, Besbolja. She was referred to as ‘Mother of All Vajanans’, probably because the population at the time was 14 and they were all her children. In the 15th century, Vajana was called Molvania’s ‘cultural melting pot’ as it had a large melting pot into which ethnic minorities were lowered during the Balkan Inquisition.

  During the Middle Ages Vajana doctors pioneered complex medical procedures.This lithograph shows physicians amputating a limb whilst simultaneously extracting a confession.

  HOW TO GET THERE

  Road The main road from Svetranj across the plains into Vajana is single lane for much of its length, heavily pot-holed and often closed due to snow, rock falls or chemical spills. Before embarking on any trip along this treacherous stretch of highway, drivers are strongly advised to contact the Vajana Police Headquarters ( 06/43677214) and leave details of when you are planning to set off, when you expect to arrive and – in the event of
trouble – whether you’d like your remains buried or cremated.

  Trucks carrying illegal immigrants pause to enjoy a scenic stop on the Svetranj – Vajana highway.

  Air Air travel into Vajana is a good option for those wishing to avoid a long road trip. Commuter flights land regularly at Ruzbcil Airport, named after one of Molvania’s most distinguished aviation scientists, Hlavni Ruzbcil (1952–1997), the man who first proved a link between smoking during aircraft re-fuelling and fiery death. Sadly, he passed away in the process.

  HOW TO GET AROUND

  Vajana is a relatively small city, divided into quarters of which there are three. Unfortunately, public transport is slow and unreliable so taxis are generally your best bet. There is a glut of car hire firms in Vajana, which has pushed prices down, but visitors should be wary of excessively discounted vehicles as they may lack modern features such as power steering or brakes.

  Old Vajana.

  New Vajana.

  WHERE TO STAY

  The truth is there are not many good, value-for-money hotels available in Vajana and those few that do exist have suffered in recent years from rising prices and/or damp. Of course, many people arrive in Vajana by car and this also rates as one of your better accommodation options. Those on a very tight budget should remember that during summer Vajana University opens its doors to visitors, allowing them to rent a student room or, for that matter, a student, at significantly discounted rates. Other choices include the following:

  $$$ Accommodation Luxury

  The Vajana Ritzzz Hotjl is located right on the picturesque main square – a delight for guests but a shame for the square itself which is marred by the hotel’s concrete-bunker design. Rooms at the back are described as ‘Mountain View’, which is only partially misleading in that they do overlook a mountain of crushed car bodies piled up at a nearby auto wreckers.