Molvania Page 6

  There are many clubs and discotheques in Lutenblag where you can party all night long – however, chances are you’ll be on your own as most locals prefer an early night. Jazz lovers should head downtown to Bje Bjop, a funky basement club; admission is free, although there is a small cover charge to help with the fire insurance premiums. Lutenblag even has its own Irish-themed pub Vlad O’Reilljys where the home-sick traveller can relax with a traditional pint of Guinness and a plate of pickled beetroot before getting into a fist-fight with a belligerent fellow drinker.

  Nightlife -Lutenblag style!

  HIGHLIGHTS

  Any tour of the city must include a stop at the Royal Palace (Palatz Rojal), a famous landmark and home to Molvania’s much-loved Royal Family in exile. Outside the main gates heavily armed guards stand on sentry duty. These flamboyantly dressed militiamen in their distinctive grey pants and highly plumed helmets are members of the King’s own troops, the Bazurkas, who have been protecting the Palace since the Night of a Thousand Spoons in 1754 (see ‘History’ section). Each morning they parade past the Palace entrance in a loosely choreographed formation that has been described as not so much a march as a melee. Feel free to stop and take photos, although don’t be surprised if one of them takes a shot at you.

  Without doubt the best way to get a taste of Lutenblag’s historical past is to take a walking tour of the Old City. Enter through a narrow gate on the northern side and on your left you will see an ancient Roman column that was originally used as a pillory but now serves as a mobile phone transmission tower for Molvania-Telski.

  Reach for the Stars…

  No visit to Lutenblag would be complete without a stop at the Molvanian Space Museum, where visitors can learn of the country’s major role in the early Russian space program. During the late 1950s Molvanian scientists designed and built the first spacecraft to be fuelled by refined mineral turpentine. Tragically, Splutfab I exploded on launch, killing its entire crew and stripping paint from buildings within a 5km radius. Splutfab II was more successful and, in 1963, Molvania became the first nation to successfully land a man on Poland.

  Madame Tussaud’s has recently opened a museum in Lutenblag, featuring the world’s largest collection of bearded men.

  All the World’s a Stage!

  Just off Lutenblag’s main square you’ll find the historic Workers’ Theatre, a small venue built during the Soviet Era, where antigovernment plays about social justice and political reform were frequently performed. The acoustics at this theatre were said to be so good that one could whisper on stage and be clearly heard in the Information Ministry building across the road.

  Behind this column is the town square and in the north-east corner of the square you will see St Simeon’s Church (Crkja Simun), which was extensively damaged during World War II. Since then there have been ongoing restoration works and some of the scaffolding used actually dates back to 1948. The church, commemorating the patron saint of poverty, is open to the public (admission 120) and inside you will find some magnificent works of 14th century craftsmanship. The sarcophagus of St Simeon stands 2.3m-high, its front depicting scenes from the holy man’s life, including his birth, early years as a preacher and unconventional ascent into heaven on the back of a scantily-clad virgin.

  On the opposite side of the main square is an excellent ethnographic museum (muzm ethnojgrafkskro) featuring a large collection of Molvanian cutlery. Admission is free, although there is a 90 fee for passing through the front door.

  At the northern end of the city are the remains of Lutenblag’s Old Fort, an impressive stone structure that over the years has withstood attacks from Turks, Huns, Mongols and Tartars. Sadly, it was a Slovakian property developer who finally succeeded in demolishing the magnificent battlements in order to make room for an apartment block.

  The famous statue of Helmzlog III (the ‘Liberator of Lutenblag’) stands in the centre of the busy main square, holding aloft a sword and what was for years assumed to be a shield, but has recently turned out – upon closer examination – to be the grille from a Fiat 350.

  Just outside the Old City in a pleasant neighbourhood called Zamocja you will find a red brick house at 20 Av. Verbek. There is a small plaque outside recording the fact that it was in this house during World War II that local merchant Jorg Grekjez sheltered 45 Lutenblag Jews during the Nazi occupation. As their number grew, two large cellars were dug to conceal them and these brave people survived for several years living in cramped, foetid, airless conditions. These days the cellars are used for student accommodation.

  Traveller’s Tale

  As well as many fine exhibits, the Lutenblag Museum of Local History offers a video presentation entitled ‘Treasures from the Past’. One reader wrote to inform us that the presentation was unsuitable for children due to its length, volume and frequent graphic depictions of medieval torture. There were also racist overtones in its presentation of Molvanian gypsies.

  Regarded by many as one of the finest examples of Renaissance architecture in Europe, the beautiful Chapel of St Jakov was built between 1431 and 1536. Initially it was only supposed to be a simple church with one nave, but the town leaders expressed a wish for a more impressive building and over the course of construction various features were added, including transepts, apses and an underground billiard room. The chapel is officially closed to the public, but for a small ‘tip’ the man at the door will grant you access. For an extra tip he’ll even say mass for you.

  For a slightly more ‘modern’ experience, a visit to the Lutenblag Stock Exchange (143 Zvordem Placa) is well worth the trip. Here you can see Molvania’s corporate high-flyers, most of whom have made their fortune in concrete, wheel and deal. Official trading begins at 9.30am when the President of the Stock Exchange fires an AK-47 into the air. Tours Mon-Fri 9.30am.

  Philippe writes...

  “Art lovers have much to look forward to in Lutenblag with the Galljeri Nazjonal (‘National Gallery’) drawing thousands of visitors each year. They have a pretty impressive international collection here, including works from Rembrandt, Van Gogh, Titian and Picasso, stolen from all over Europe during World War II. But for those prepared to look beyond the obvious glitz of such popularist offerings I’d have to recommend a little gallery at 413 Sv. Medezeni called The Vcetrezen. The style here is minimalist, but the work on display absolutely stunning. One room was entirely empty except for a small fire-hose attached to the wall. Lesser students of art than I would no doubt have walked past this tightly-coiled installation, oblivious to the joyful irony of its juxtaposition. Bravissimo!”

  P.M.

  A short distance south of the Museum is a well-kept park in which a small private zoo has been established. The zoo houses a large selection of wild cats, birds and mammals, unfortunately all in the one cage, and is open Mon–Sat. during the summer months. Clearly, stocks may vary. In past years many visitors would come here to see the extremely rare bvoric, a single horned goat native to Molvania but, sadly, this specimen passed away in 1993. However, thanks to advances in the twin fields of taxidermy and animatronics, a passable replica is still on display.

  Traveller’s Tip

  A tour of Molvania’s Parliament House is well worth the effort.

  This floor plan is a handy guide.

  The Museum of Science and Technology (Muszm Skjenteknolojyka) celebrates Molvania’s many scientific achievements, including the invention of callipers, blue carnations and the harpoon. There is also a special exhibit dedicated to Jzeovak Tkermec (1936–1994), one of Molvania’s most brilliant scientists. Tkermec was a pioneer in the field of genetic engineering and, in 1987, he succeeded in grafting a human ear onto a mouse. But his greatest breakthrough came a year later when he successfully managed to graft a mouse onto a human ear.

  Molvania has long led the way in scientific achievements. In 1959 Prof. V. C. Ulcviecel pioneered the world’s first ever electrolysis machine, seen here testing it out on his mother.

  For those se
eking relief from the hustle and bustle of this busy city, take a stroll through the beautifully landscaped Lutenblag Botanical Gardens. Here you can stop and admire numerous specimens of the Molvanian rose (right), a locally bred variety that produces no flowers or leaves, just thorns. In summer you can rent boats from the kiosk, which is good fun, although ultimately pointless as there is no water for 200km. Entrance fee to the gardens is 120 and you will be handed three coloured tickets: one for general admission, one for the herbarium and another that entitles you to enjoy the lawned areas as well as vote in municipal elections. Make sure you hang onto each one, as the park inspectors (Polizi Parzca) are not only active, but heavily armed.

  Finally, no visit to Lutenblag would be complete without a viewing of its famous War Memorial (Miljtakslaab. This massive marble monument, near the centre of the Old City, is dedicated to the estimated 18,000 Molvanian soldiers who fought abroad during World War II and never returned. Some were killed, the majority deserted and many are believed to be still living in Western Europe as illegal immigrants.

  Spend a Penny…

  Visitors to Lutenblag’s main square are often puzzled by a small, wrought-iron structure opposite the Town Hall. Built as part of the 1896 international trade fair, this prototype is one of the world’s first and only female urinals. It still operates, although first-time users are advised to bring a change of shoes.

  The historic Royal Lutenblag Tennis Club was extensively damaged during the civil war but has now been re-opened. Players are reminded of the need to hose and bag the court as well as check for unexploded mines.

  THE MOLVANÎAN ALPS

  [Alpj Molvanjka]

  THE REGION

  Picture a cosy alpine cottage covered in snow, its frosted windows glowing with the light of a large log fire as it warms the chilled night air. Welcome to summer in the Molvanian Alps. This unique mountain region towering above the mighty River Fiztula has for years been overlooked as a holiday destination. But now, thanks to improved tourist facilities, coupled with a cease-fire in the war with Romania, visitors are beginning to discover the charm of this forgotten jewel.

  Running from the fertile plains of the River Jerko basin all the way east to the mighty Postenwalj Mountains, the Molvanian Alps region offers a wide range of travel options. Naturally, there is wonderful skiing with over 2000km of groomed and fully mine-swept trails to suit all skill levels. Nature-buffs, too, will be delighted with the area’s numerous national parks, havens to many of Molvania’s rare and endangered species of flora and fauna. Here you can trek the famous Valentinji Promendjj (‘Lover’s Walk’) amidst the beauty of forested slopes covered in cyclamen, heather, gorse and used prophylactics.

  Svetranj is the region’s major city and administrative centre. A bustling, exciting town set on the banks of the River Jerko, it provides the ideal stepping-off point for a tour of this fascinating area. Then there’s the awesome grandeur of the Great Plain (Planja Grandj), recently granted UNESCO World Heritage status as a ‘site of significant monotony’. Finally, don’t forget to include at least one trip north to Vajana, home to Molvania’s famous free-range zoo; if possible make your visit on the first Sunday of each month so you can watch the animals being fed.

  The Great Plains, recently granted UNESCO World Heritage status as a ‘site of significant monotony’.

  Philippe writes...

  “I first visited the south of Molvania nearly 20 years ago before anyone else had discovered its charms. Back then there were no restaurants, no hotels and not even potable water. It was a truly authentic travel experience. Now you’ll see well-heeled tourists relaxing in soulless, westernized bars and restaurants, oblivious to the fact that I was there first. ”

  P.M.

  SVETRANJ

  As recently as the 1960s, Svetranj was considered the playground of Molvania’s rich and famous who were drawn to the region by its bracing climate, stunning scenery and relaxed attitudes to underage sex. These days Svetranj still retains many of the same charms that made the town such a popular destination. One of its major attractions would, without doubt, have to be the old city castle, believed by many to be the setting for the Molvanian version of Romeo and Juliet, called Slobadril un Mustaza, written by a local author in the 16th century. Every day tourists can be seen here testing out their thespian skills on the castle’s balcony as they utter those immortal lines ‘Slobadril, Slobadril, uch ver az tje?’. Like the star-crossed lovers of this literary classic, you too will fall in love with Svetranj.

  HISTORY

  One of the most important commercial centres in southern Molvania, the city of Svetranj was established in the 16th century as a trading post. Being a frontier town, a series of heavily-fortified battlements were built soon after to guard against possible Turkish attack from the south. Unfortunately, the Turks attacked from the east and the village was razed before extensive re-building during the 18th century saw it emerge as a major regional centre. Today the city is famous for its handicrafts, especially the locally-produced Svetranj lace, which has been compared favourably with Brussels and Venetian Reticella lace, despite being a little coarser and made from hessian. Other local produce includes leather-goods and low-grade heroin.

  ORIENTATION

  As you leave the central railway station turn left and make your way up the Platka dj Zbebo towards the town hall. Here you will find some excellent shops and welcoming outdoor cafes. On the right, just before the town hall gates, is one of the oldest and most beautiful chateaux in Svetranj. The fact the building is now a pinball parlour in no way detracts from its architectural significance and a visit is well worthwhile. Numerous interesting lanes and alleyways lead off from the Platka, or city square, and all provide a good opportunity to explore the town centre, although visitors are advised against wandering into the neighbourhoods bordering the River Jerko after dark or during the day.

  The riverfront itself is a delightful mix of terrace cafes and outdoor eateries. Sadly, the regular number of large delivery trucks parked outside often obscures the otherwise delightful vista. This, in addition to the fumes from their idling diesel motors, can serve to diminish the open-air dining experience, but it remains a must for those seeking the genuine Svetranj ambience. After a quick coffee here you’re well placed to explore the hustle and bustle of the riverside market stalls featuring butchers, bakers and other assorted traders. This timeless setting is a marvellous place to simply wander and soak in the atmosphere: the sights, the smells and, of course, the sounds as the stall-holders utter their traditional cry ‘Haltz! Jzorban!’ (‘Stop! Thief!’).

  SHOPPING

  Svetranj remains one of the best places in Europe to obtain discount merchandise and despite threats of legal action you can still pick up a pair of genuine Nikey or Reeboq runners for a fraction of the usual cost. DVDs are also cheap and plentiful, although visitors are reminded that Molvania is officially classified as Region 7 (meaning its recordings can only be played on equipment manufactured in Molvania or northern Bulgaria). Visitors are also advised against purchasing electrical equipment unless you’re going camping and may have need to start a fire.

  Svetranj produces one of the few televisions in the world to come with its own built-in sprinkler system.

  HOW TO GET THERE

  Nestled on the banks of the River Jerko, Svetranj can be reached by either road or rail. The main highway south from Lutenblag is known as the M14 and was originally a toll road. Fees have long ago been abolished; however, some visitors have recently reported being stopped by locals posing as toll collectors and demanding cash, cigarettes or a lift.

  There is also a small airport on the city’s northern outskirts, but it was closed by civil aviation authorities in 1998 after a Swiss passenger jet on final approach narrowly avoided colliding with a mule tethered to a wind-sock.

  Train Traveller’s Tip

  Svetranj’s grandly built Central Station is in fact some 12km from the city centre.

  The Age of Di
scovery

  Svetranj is noted for being the birthplace of Molvania’s most famous explorer, the legendary Jolp Trubazbor. On 13 June, 1468, Trubazbor and his brave crew left Lutenblag with three sailing ships. It took them nearly a month to carry them over the mountains, but eventually they reached the Baltic Sea where they set off in search of the elusive East Indies. Inexplicably, they travelled north-west, ending up in Scandinavia where Trubazbor put up a Molvanian flag and declared that southern Sweden would henceforth be called ‘Jolpland’. Under a hail of arrows he and his crew retreated, sailing back across the Baltic Sea. Weeks of raping, pillaging and plundering then ensued until Trubazbor was eventually forced to close the ship’s Games Room. By this stage he’d reached Poland where things went from bad to worse. It was here, on a bitterly cold and moonless night, near the port of Gdansk, that he lost two of his ships in a card game. Refusing to accept defeat, the expedition continued and in 1471 Trubazbor (armed with spices, slaves and treasure) eventually made it back home where he was given a traditional hero’s welcome – he was robbed.

  WHERE TO STAY

  Finding suitable accommodation in Svetranj can be somewhat confusing because the city has adopted its own system of star ratings, ranging from six (luxury international hotels) through to one (refugee detention centres). When it comes to cost, obviously location is the key; the further your hotel is from the centre of Svetranj, the more you can expect to pay. When booking, keep in mind that if you want a room with a double bed, it should be specifically requested; otherwise, you are likely to get a room with twin beds or – for a large additional cost – a room with twins in a bed.

  $$$ Accommodation Luxury

  Although a little out of town, one of the most historic lodging houses in Svetranj is the impressive Ozjbrej Kastl. The first recorded mention of this medieval mansion is from a 1252 register of municipal interests. The most recent mention is from a 2002 Department of Sanitation advisory report into the hotel’s restaurant. The ‘Ozj’ offers luxurious rooms and opulent decor that is almost Viennese in style, although the service and facilities are pure Molvanian.