Molvania Page 2

  Even after retirement, Busjbusj continued to work tirelessly to unify the many opposing factions in Molvanian politics. He convened, and briefly led, a coalition called the United Party of Tyrants, Despots and Dictators. Unfortunately, as he grew old, his eyesight deteriorated badly – as did his adherence to human rights. Finally, in 1962 this ‘blurred visionary’ (as he was described in a UN War Crimes subpoena) died of natural causes – he was assassinated.

  NATIONAL ANTHEM

  Molvania’s national anthem was chosen in 1987 as part of a competition, with the winning entry coming from an elderly local composer V. J. Rzebren. It is sung to the tune of ‘Oh What a Feeling’ from Flashdance, with the third verse generally considered optional, as it is in contravention of EU laws against racial vilification.

  TRANSLATION

  PRIJATI I-VSE PROST! ZVET BRAGK LE SOSED NE We stand now vigorous and prospering

  KJO RJOPAK TAVO GARBUS JKET SZOR Forever united by our peoples

  TEGUL DIRBA LIETVEJ TEGUL ZVUT STKER Brothers within frontiers are we

  OMOV DSKVI A TO JRE TA INACH MYSL Supping upon the bounty of our home

  PREJ LUK VDES PO JKADS KREMT VSE-TOI Strife shall be banished and freedom reign

  BJOR ESHTE QE DJESHMOR RTEH Our women fertile as our seeping plains

  EJUM JE TA ZVOR KRE ZSOVORTKIS Let not the heroic past be forgotten

  EJUM UND DAS SJORGEM FLAI But the glorious future stand

  VERBOT! SKUIG VAS-KLEM SVETHUM Harmony and peace shall reign

  STUMZ STUM PLAIS-DEIN STUMZ! All invaders will be crushed

  SEMIA TZASUMUS VO DIRBA PO Crushed we sing now, crushed

  OZIVLA KI VTOPIO BO-LE SKBRI We shall drive the gypsy curse from our land

  Molvania’s biggest pop sensation, Olja, combines hot latin sounds with cold war rhetoric.

  NATIONAL FLAG

  The Molvanian ‘trikolor’ is unique for the fact it only has two colours. After the fall of the Iron Curtain, Molvania was the only ex-Soviet state to retain the hammer and sickle. So enamoured were they with the symbols of workers’ unity, they added a third tool – the trowel.

  GEOGRAPHY

  Molvania was once described by a visiting writer as being at the ‘crossroads of Eastern Europe’ and – despite suspicions by some that he was simply being ironic – it retains a central place in European history. Geographically it is a diverse country, its southern regions largely made up of flat, boggy marshland and re-claimed swamps, while up in the north and west you’ll find vast windswept plains.

  There are, of course, mountains in the far south-east of the country; the world-renowned Postenwalj Ranges through which the popular Tour dj Molvania bicycle race passes each year. During the winter months these hills become a Mecca for skiers although, at just over 700m, the snow cover can become a little desert-like, hence the description ‘Mecca’.

  Two main waterways cross the country: the mighty River Uze that snakes through the centre of the country all the way west until it crosses the border into Germany (where it’s known as the ‘Saxony Sewer’); and the smaller, but no less impressive, River Fiztula in the country’s south.

  Geographically, Molvania is a land of contrasts – rocky, semi-barren plains.

  The famous Tour dj Molvania or, as it’s more commonly known, the ‘EPO Classic’.

  Much of the central valley region was arid and bare but thanks to copious amounts of fertilizer, coupled with the Molvanian Government’s open-door approach to genetically-modified crops, local farmers have been able to produce ample supplies of maize, corn, beetroot and a peculiar potato-like hybrid EU scientists are yet to officially classify as a food-stuff.

  Molvania prides itself as an environmentally conscious nation, and all its waste is either sorted and recycled, or dumped over the border in Slovakia. The average precipitation is 67cm per year, which falls as mainly snow, sleet or acid rain.

  – from its rocky, semi-barren hills to its

  THE PEOPLE

  In AD 60 the Roman historian Tacitus described the Molvanian people thus:

  They are short and dark of appearance, not given to hard work or creative thinking. In fact, you would have to travel many miles to find a more argumentative, unruly, uncultured tribe of hunter-gatherers in all of the Empire...’ ‘

  Even today Molvanians are often misrepresented as being surly, short-tempered and prone to violence, but of course this only represents one part of the picture. Deep down the Molvanian people are fun-loving folk with that typically warm Slavic sense of humour. There are aspects of their behaviour that may take a little getting used to – such as their phone manner, in which brusqueness is considered a virtue. But hospitality is a key part of Molvanian culture and there’s an old saying ‘zva grek inst ur plebum szunj ’ (‘better that a stranger be across thy door than a friend upon the road thereon’), which, while perhaps losing a little in the translation, pretty much sums up the Molvanian’s carefree attitude to life.

  Whilst culturally diverse, the Molvanian population is made up of three major ethnic groups: the Bulgs (68%), who live predominantly in the centre and south; the Hungars (29%), who inhabit the northern cities; and the Molvs (3%), who can be found mainly in prison.

  GYPSIES

  Some European countries are marred by racial disharmony between permanent residents and their itinerant gypsy population. Molvania prides itself on the fact this is not a problem as most of its gypsies have been successfully driven abroad or incarcerated.

  CUSTOMS

  Molvanians are not, as a rule, a particularly formal people, however there are basic rules governing social contact that are worth adhering to. Upon meeting someone in the street, shake their hand and bow slightly unless the person is older in which case simply bow and clip the heels, remembering that a handshake in such circumstances would cause enormous offence, as would clipping the heels in the presence of a married woman or member of the clergy. If invited into someone’s home, remember to always remove your shoes in the entrance as a sign of respect, and to give yourself something with which to hit the family pet should it attack. Once inside, take care to avoid blowing your nose (or anyone else’s for that matter) within sight of the kitchen. It’s also appropriate to bring a small gift, be it flowers, fruit, firearms, or – if there are children – cigarettes. It’s polite to wait until your host (the purv) indicates where to sit before being seated. If sitting on traditional fjukazl matting, women are advised to sit with their legs together, especially if seated opposite the purv.

  Traveller’s Tip

  First time visitors to Molvania are often struck by the rather direct manner in which locals treat each other, whether in shops, whilst driving or simply walking down the street. Raised voices and wild gesticulations are common and –to an outsider –it would appear no-one seems to particularly like each other. The truth is that Molvanians are simply a very forthright people, not overly concerned with the niceties of human interaction. Waving a fist at another driver or spitting on a family member is all part of daily life for these easy-going folk. Of course, for a new arrival it takes a bit of time to work out how you should behave in return –the precise degree of brusqueness required, for example, to catch the attention of awaiter. If you are too meek he will ignore you. If you are too aggressive he may produce a concealed weapon. My advice is to err on the courteous side. Wherever possible say ‘brobra’ (‘thank you’) to your concierge and ‘vriszi’ (‘please’) to the waiter. Tell your taxi driver his car is clean (there’s actually no Molvanian phrase for this situation but you can always use hand signals). In short, try a little courtesy and see how far you get.

  PLANTS & ANIMALS

  Once cloaked in dense forest, much of Molvania is now made up of barren plains. Legend has it that St Fyodor was responsible for ridding the country of its trees but the arrival of chainsaws in the 1950s certainly sped up the process. Molvania grows much of the world’s supply of gherkin and silverbeet, as well as hvobecz, a small, bitter nut often use
d in the centre of golf balls. In terms of fauna, the country boasts more rodents per square kilometre than anywhere else in the world. Larger species include bears, deer, lynx, wild boar and the famed Molvanian Sneezing Hound.

  The fzipdat or serrated thistle is the floral emblem of Molvania, a sharply thorned cactus traditionally thrown at Molvanian brides. Its leaves have an astringent, bitter taste, making it a popular ingredient in local dishes.

  The pig is generally considered the symbol of Molvania. Believed to be sacred by many, these animals may only be slaughtered Monday to Saturday. Pigs are widely used throughout the country for meat, milk and – in remote areas – companionship.

  SPORTS

  Like so many Western European nations, Molvania is football mad. Sadly, their national team has had little in the way of international success, especially since the introduction of random drug-testing. Molvania’s highest-profile player would without doubt be Viordar Czervkle (or ‘Cze’ as he is affectionately known) and everywhere you will see his name on T-shirts and posters. To the dismay of most local fans Cze no longer plays at a professional level due to a serious injury; he was banned for head-butting a Croatian referee during an international friendly in 1996.

  Lutenblag Stadium (the Lutenstaad) was built in 1985 in anticipation of Molvania being successful with its plans to host the 1994 World Cup. Sadly their bid failed and much of the ground has since fallen into disrepair. Designed to hold 80,000 spectators it is now used largely for rock concerts and public hangings.

  Interblag F.C., also known as ‘The Invincibles’, shortly before their 1995 semi-final defeat. (Viordar Czervkle can be seen back row, second from right)

  The Lutenblag Stadium (the Lutenstaad

  Home-Grown Hero!

  Molvania’s most famous sporting hero, pentathlete Hzerge Voldarj, was born in Sasava and trained at the Institut Medekina Anabolika in Lutenblag before being chosen to represent his country in the 1982 winter Olympics in Modern Biathlon. Tragically, whilst in the lead, he was disqualified on a technicality during the shooting event when, instead of hitting the target, he instinctively turned and took aim at a passing rabbit. Voldarj subsequently retired from international competition and now hosts his own sports-based TV quiz show ‘Ask Hzerge’.

  Unique to Molvania is the game of Plutto, which has been described as a sort of cross between lacrosse and polo played on a donkey. These animals are specially bred for this sport, with those bearing larger ears highly sought-after. On most Saturday afternoons local parks and ovals echo to the sound of spectators crying ‘bzoukal! bzoukal!’ (literally ‘slash his throat!’) as their heroes fight it out.

  The other great sporting passion in Molvania is, of course, hunting and most children learn to shoot from a very early age. Wild boar are perhaps the most popular quarry, and the hunting season lasts from mid-October until whenever people have run out of ammunition. Other targets include ducks, geese, foxes, wild bears, road signs and rabbits, although visitors should be reminded that these can only be hunted by a person holding a valid shooting licence or related to someone who does.

  An Olympic Moment...

  Molvania has had a long and proud Olympic history, picking up medals in both summer and winter games. During the communist era the country held the record for producing the greatest number of defecting athletes, the highpoint being the 1976 Montreal Games during which the entire team attempted to jump ship, entering the stadium under a white flag.

  The Molvanian Tennis Open is one of the few ATP events played on a combination of clay and grass.

  Molvania’s greatest living Plutto champion on his prized steed, Klodd.

  RELIGION

  Molvanians are a deeply religious people and most belong to a church, or are supported by one. The most dominant religion is Baltic Orthodox, a local form of worship very similar to Catholicism (except that Catholics long ago dismissed the concept of the world being flat). Baltic Orthodox congregations may also smoke in church. This religion dates back thousands of years and local believers will proudly tell you that one of the two robbers crucified next to Christ was in fact from Molvania.

  Many devout practitioners will regularly follow the pilgrim trail that leads to the holy shrine of St Ulgmat in Jzerbo. It was here, back in 1534, that two shepherds on their way home from a local hostelry claimed to have seen a vision hovering in the field ahead. So intense was the power of this apparition that both men fell into a deep sleep, waking the next morning with severe headaches and blurred vision.

  If invited to a Molvanian church remember that appropriate clothing is required; women should wear a dress and possibly a hat, and men should make sure at least one of their shirt buttons is done up.

  In Holy Week, from Palm Sunday to Easter, Molvanian families may not eat meat, and from Good Friday married couples will often abstain from

  Here Comes the Bride...!

  Molvanian weddings are events of enormous social significance and as such are surrounded by elaborate ritual. Traditionally the celebrations begin with the bride and groom fasting for 24 hours. After this time the woman is forbidden from leaving the house while her future husband goes out drinking. As the big day approaches the bride is bathed in scented oils, her bodily hair is completely waxed off* and she is sumptuously dressed. The wedding ceremony itself is long and joyous, followed by much feasting and drinking – after which the happy couple are led into separate rooms to consummate their union.

  St Fyodor – Patron Saint of Molvania (AD1507–1563)

  St Fyodor was born in 1507 to a family of wealthy Molvanian landowners. At the age of just four he amazed church elders by drinking an entire vat of communion wine. It was a religious feat he was to repeat many times later in life. From his mother Fyodor inherited a quiet manner and pious devotion to God. From his father he inherited gout. Fyodor’s first period of devotion began when, as a 10-year-old, he was sent to help his family run their farm but refused to take part, saying it was God’s will that he remain inside to pray and meditate. Such was his devotion to this task that the young man would only come out for meals and public holidays. During these periods he would often fast for up to three hours at a time, dedicating his discomfort to the Lord.

  Fyodor was a man of many contradictions. When his father’s house burnt down, he remarked that he did not mind as material belongings meant nothing to him. Yet a few weeks later he almost clubbed a man to death for stealing his lute in what theologians believe must have been a fit of religious fervour.

  A great friend of the poor, Fyodor took particular interest in young single women and could often be seen visiting their homes at all hours of the day and night, armed only with a Bible and a bottle of sacramental red. Here he would preach the Gospel and offer to lay hands on those who kneeled before him.

  Such was St Fyodor’s devotion to the Lord that, at the age of 21, he announced that he’d been called to give up all movement. As part of this devotion he would sit by the fire in quiet contemplation for months on end, taking no nourishment save three meals a day plus snacks. At other times he would disappear for long periods without explanation, returning from his devotions with slurred speech and unsteady gait – a sign, he claimed, that the Holy Spirit was dwelling within.

  At the age of 56 and weighing over 100kg he was arrested by Protestant militiamen who demanded he denounce his faith or be killed. Fyodor refused, saying calmly that the Lord would protect him. At this point he was tied to a tree, whipped, shot with arrows and beheaded. His last words were ‘copra sanctum’ (‘holy shit’).

  St Fyodor was beatified by Pope Paul in 1617, canonized by Pope Gregory XV in 1623 and featured posthumously on an episode of Molvania’s ‘This is Your Life’ in 1982.

  Relics of his underpants can be found at the Chapel of St Fyodor in Lutenblag.

  –from Lives of the Saints (Vatican University Press)

  LANGUAGE

  Molvanian is a difficult language to speak, let alone master. There are four genders: male, fema
le, neutral, and the collective noun for cheeses, which occupies a nominative sub-section of its very own. The language also contains numerous irregular verbs, archaic phrases, words of multiple meaning and several phonetic sounds linguists suspect could represent either a rare dialect or merely peasants clearing their throat. This, coupled with a record number of silent letters, makes fluency a major challenge. You can, as some visitors have experimented with, simply try adding the letter ‘j’ or ‘z’ randomly to any word – but this will only get you so far.

  Perhaps a better option is to memorise a few of our ‘Useful Phrases’ contained opposite. Remember, too, that the syntactical structure of written Molvanian can be rather complex, with writers routinely using the triple negative. Hence,

  ‘Can I drink the water? ‘

  becomes ‘Erkjo ne szlepp statsik ne var ne vladrobzko ne ‘

  (literally, ‘is it not that the water is not not undrinkable?’)

  Fortunately, conversational Molvanian for the native speaker is a little less formal, and a native speaker wanting to know

  ‘Can I drink the water? ‘

  would only have to say ‘Virkum stas?’

  (while clutching their stomach in a gesture of gastric distress).

  For those keen to learn Molvanian there is a private school in Lutenblag that offers an intensive summer course. For some, this is a marvellous way of immersing themselves in the culture and traditions of Molvania. For most, it is a complete waste of time. Please note, several former pupils have reported that the teacher, a Mr Hzocbeter, can be a little on the aggressive side, especially when it comes to irregular verbs.